We Were Only Kids// McFly (Wonderland)

I'll Be Okay

December 15, 2014: McBusted Most Excellent Adventure Tour, O2 Arena; London, UK

Lilly walks backward, facing me until she can't anymore, and turns around, walking through the door that goes out to the corridor that leads outside.

She's leaving.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always did know Lilly wouldn't work for us forever. That she'd move onto something bigger and better, but I never actually imagined it happening. Because even though I had a feeling, I couldn't see it. I couldn't see our lives without her.

But now, she's leaving.

Oh my God. She's leaving!

I begin to panic. The loud cheers of the audience fade away in the background and I am full-on panicking because Lilly is walking out of the O2 right now and leaving.

I start to run forward towards the doors that she just left through and burst through them. She can't leave.

I'm just about to round the corner and call to her when someone else comes out the door connecting to the dressing rooms and beats me to it.

"Lilly!" They call. I hide in the small doorway and listen, though I can't see either of them because they're further down the hall. Luckily, that means they can't see me either.

"James?" I hear Lilly ask. James? What is he doing?

I have a feeling I shouldn't listen in. First, because this is a private conversation, and second, I have a feeling the topic of this conversation might make me upset. But I'm too curious to walk away now. Plus, I've never been one to particularly care about the ramifications of self-destructive habits. At least, that's what my therapist once told me.

"Did you tell him?" I hear James ask.

"What?" Lilly asks.

"Did you tell Dougie you love him?" James asks. I feel queasy.

"James, I already told you-"

"I know." James cuts her off. "I know, just hear me out...you don't know when you're coming back. I mean...what if you never come back? Even if you're out there and you find someone else and fall in love...you'll always regret not having told Dougie. I know he has Ellie and I know that it sucks, but you're not doing it to hurt anyone. You say you've spent the past ten years watching everyone else achieve their dreams and you want to now? Well, you've also spent the past ten years taking care of other people. But those other people aren't always going to be around and you have to take care of yourself, too. If you don't go back there and just...let him know...you'll regret it as long as you're away."

Wait...what? 

It's quiet for a while and I need to know what's happening.

"Then let me regret it." I hear Lilly finally say. "If it means he's happy." I hear James sigh then.

"You're stubborn as hell, Lilly Greene."

"Yeah." Lilly says. "But...I've got all the right reasons."

I'm imagining things. I'm in shock, and I'm imagining things. That's it. James and Lilly probably aren't even in this hallway. She's probably gone, and he's in the dressing room. Or heading out to the van to leave.

My stomach is flipping, and I fear I might actually throw up. No. No, I didn't imagine that. Deep breathes, Dougie.

Lilly...loves me.

She loves me and she's leaving.

My head is spinning. How long has she felt this way? A few days? A few months? Longer? Or...did she ever stop feeling that way at all?

Does it matter? I am happy. But, if I'd known...if things had been different...

But they aren't. Things aren't different. And I can't change that now.

Lilly is leaving without telling me how she feels. She's leaving this stone unturned for me. Because, to her, my happiness is more important than her getting her feelings off her chest. Even if she doesn't know how I would react. To be fair, I don't know how I would react either. But that is love. 

 I'm ashamed, now. To think I would be so fast to run out and, maybe, ruin her chance at happiness just to make myself feel better when she would do this for me. Because at the beginning of all of this, I realized that love sometimes meant making sacrifices at your own expense for the people you love. And I owe it to Lilly to still recognize that to be true. Even if she never finds out.

I hear the wheels of her suitcase roll against the linoleum floor, and I close my eyes. My chest tightens and I bite the inside of my cheek until I hear the door to the outside open, and then shut. I push my way back through the door backstage, and I have to work for a couple of minutes to catch my breath. 

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