We Were Only Kids// McFly (Wonderland)

Said I'd Die For You, And I Would

September 19, 2005 

I can't stand up.

I can't stand up because I feel nervous. I feel so nervous. I haven't felt this nervous since I auditioned for McFly, and I threw up that day, so I can't stand up because if I do there's a chance I'll throw up (or pass out).

So instead, I'm sitting on the couch in the dressing room, ready hours before necessary, staying absolutely still, because while my head is racing, I figure if I don't move a single muscle in my body, it balances out.

Damn Harry and this stupid idea. I should have never agreed to play this stupid song onstage. Why did I agree to this?

Just then, the couch shifts, and I allow myself to look next to me. Lilly sits, facing me, and pulls her legs up under her, leaning her arm on the back of the sofa. She looks at me for a long time, and I look back for as long as I can handle looking at her before looking away. Lilly knows I'm nervous. She just doesn't know why. Not really.

"Come on, Doug," She says, only loud enough for me to hear. She's very close to me, and I know this should make me more nervous, but it doesn't. It calms me. I always get a little nervous around Lilly whenever we hang out casually, but really, I know more than anything, she'll always be there for me in times like this. "It'll be alright." She continues. "Once you do it tonight, you'll never be nervous to sing again."

I don't know how to respond to this. Because let's say I sing the song and she doesn't realize it's about her. Then sure, I can go on singing it without being nervous she'll find out, but it also means she doesn't realize it's about her. That it's all about her. Always. I hear her sigh.

"Do you really think they're all going to boo you?" She asks. I can't look back over.

"No." I answer, looking down in my lap and shaking my head.

"Then why are you so nervous?" She asks. It's quiet, but the way she says it, I know she wants to take all this feeling away from me. But she can't. I look up at her.

I'm in love with you.

"I don't know." I say aloud.

                                                                                                     ***

"Dougie!" I hear over all the applause as I'm walking back onstage. It's Lilly. She's standing on my side of the wings. I subconsciously can't help but start to smile. "I'm right here. You're going to do great!"

Oh God, I can't do this.

I look out into the crowd, but really, it's not a crowd at all. Not to me. The lights are so bright in my eyes that all I can see are lots of dark outlines of people, a few holding neon signs, some with flashlights held up.

I take a breath

I can't do this.

I look over at Tom and he nods at me and winks.

I can't do this

I walk up to my microphone.

Oh God, don't throw up.

"This song is called Silence is a Scary Sound." I hear my voice boom through the venue and over the many screams. "It goes like this."

"1, 2, 3, 4!" I hear Tom scream, and start strumming my bass.

                                                                                              ***

"Dougie!" I hear as I'm walking out of the venue and over to Fletch's car, my rucksack is shrugged over my shoulder and a beanie is covering my freshly showered purple hair. I look up, and it's Lilly, rushing towards me. I look behind her and see Tom and Harry already sitting in their assigned seats in the back rows.