We Were Only Kids// McFly (Wonderland)

I Give My All To You

Christmas Eve, 2005 

Lilly came to my house this Christmas Eve. I invited her, and Mum and Jazz asked a lot of embarrassing questions, but I don't even care. I don't care because I want Lilly to know about me and Mum and Jazz and everything. And I want to know about her, too.

It's been the best day ever. And as we walk inside the band house once again, for the first time ever I wish I wasn't here. I love the band house, don't get me wrong, but here is a place where I have to hide all of my most intense feelings that I've had for more than a year now. And after tonight, I want to not hide them for just a little while longer.

It's like when you go on holiday, and when you come back, for the first couple of days you genuinely feel like you can't go back to living life as usual because life on holiday was so good. And you don't know how you could ever go back to being okay with the routine of everyday life. But eventually, you do, and your holiday just becomes another memory too far away to remember any of the feelings you had afterward.

That's how I feel walking into the band house with Lilly. That was my holiday. Being able to ask her anything and have her ask me anything and feeling brave. But I don't think I'll ever be able to come back from this holiday.

So as soon as we step inside, I decide I have to do something. Before the feelings of tonight wear off and I lose the courage.

"Guys?" I ask, looking towards the upstairs to see if any of the guys have returned yet. "Harry?"

Hearing no response, I turn to Lilly. I'm about to say something, but all of a sudden I can feel all my fears and doubts creeping up into my throat, so before I can do anything else, I kiss her.

She pulls away from me and her brow furrows. Oh God, have I offended her?

"What's wrong?" She asks.

"What?" I ask. "Why would you think something's wrong? I'm...happy, Lilly." She looks confused.

"We only kiss and...stuff...when we're sad. But, I mean, if you want to when we're happy then I guess-"

I can't believe this. I have to turn away. I'm so upset. And I know it is partially my fault that she thinks this, but whenever I'm with her, even if it stems from a place of worry or upset, all I can focus on is how happy she makes me. How I forget it all when I'm with her. But now I know, that's not how she feels about me.

It never is. And I can't do this anymore. What we're doing now can't be more against the rules than dating, can it?

Whatever. We've released two studio albums now! I can't get thrown out of the band (I think...).

"You know what, Lilly? Something is wrong." I have to tell her. Maybe if she rejects me I will get over it...maybe...doubtful. But I'll have to learn to. Life will go on...and hopefully, we'll still be friends.

"What is it?" She asks. "What's wrong?" I take a deep breath. Rip off the bandage, Dougie.

"What's wrong is that every time I want to be with you, you assume something wrong." I say. Without even realizing it, I hear that my voice sounds pleading. Which is good. I don't want her to think I'm mad at her. I'm not.

Neither of us says anything, but at least she doesn't look appalled.

Be brave. Just be honest. For once.

"I like you, Lilly." I say, suddenly feeling dizzy.

"I like you too, Dougie." She says.

"No, like, a lot, Lilly."

Like, write a song about you, take you home for Christmas, abandon you in a club because I'm overwhelmed by you, die inside when you call me 'mate', a lot.

She smiles, and I wonder if I just said that out loud. No, no, I didn't.

"I know." She says. But I'm not sure she does. Should I tell her what I just thought? No, no, less poetic, more real.

"I...don't..." I sigh. "I don't do well with people. I'm shy, and it can take me weeks or months sometimes to warm up to someone. But then...I met you. I met you, and it was like you were so extraordinary for me. So easy...and I wasn't afraid. And it's weird. So...if you have even the slightest thoughts about me, the same way I do you...well, that's...something I have to fight for."

She doesn't say anything. She's just looking at me and I'm starting to feel like I'm in a cringe Christmas movie and that makes my stomach flip.

"I know I sound stupid-" I start.

"No." She shakes her head. "No...I like you too, Dougie. I do. But..."

Shut up.

She likes me.

SHE LIKES ME.

SHUT UP! HOLY CRAP!

Okay, calm down. Calm down, dammit!

"We can't be together." She finishes.

And there's the kicker.

"Why?" I ask genuinely because she just said she likes me. So I'm not letting this go. She shrugs and shakes her head.

"The public...the boys-"

"Why do they have to know?" I interrupt in a whisper because holy crap, she likes me, and I feel winded all over again, but this time it feels good. "This is us...this could be ours. No one else's."

"What about Fletch?" She asks. Screw it! Screw it all! SHE LIKES ME.

"What he doesn't know can't hurt him! Or us." I shrug, and I can't keep my face from smiling because did I mention, SHE LIKES ME? "If you really like me, as much as you're saying you do...as much as I do..." Go on, Doug. "I can't...we can't let everyone stop us."

Her face changes and I can tell the moment of truth is about to come. I'm trying to distract myself because, if nothing else comes of this experience, this still will have been the best speech I've ever given. Oh and also, SHE STILL LIKES ME!

"You're right." She says.

Did she just say I'm right?

"I'm right?" I ask. She looks at me and her smile goes all toothy and I feel like I can breathe again. Oh shit, confidence! "I mean...I'm right." I nod for extra measure.

"We should be together, regardless of what anyone else says. Or their rules. No one will know...but us."

So that's it. It was that easy. I can't believe it. I can't believe all this time paid off.

And I hug her so tight. 

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