Eighteen

Lying and cheating

6 months later • Mild Trigger Warning

SOTC • Merry Happy- Kate Nash

Things are different.

Much different.

He's not the same anymore. He's different.

Am I the same? No. I'm much different. How? I don't really know.

He's here, but he's gone. His mind is somewhere else. For the first five months of our relationship, usually every night he would sleep in my bed with me. We hadn't gone through with anything sexual, but the feeling was there.

Now it's missing. I don't even remember what that feeling felt like. I really can't remember what anything felt like anymore. It's all gone. All I feel is numbness now.

He never comes over anymore. I usually only see him once every two weeks by accidentally going out to run errands or get the mail at the same time.

Before, on the nights that he was over, he would always say goodnight to me. On the nights he couldn't be here, he would always text me goodnight and tell me I'm beautiful.

I don't feel beautiful anymore. I feel unwanted.

It's been 64 days since he's said goodnight to me, and 48 days since he texted it. Do I sound desperate that I'm keeping track? Probably. But I need something to anchor me, because he's slowly drifting away, and the waves are only getting stronger.

Who am I kidding? He's drifted away. He's gone.

Before things became like this, I saw the warning signs. I chose to ignore them. Why? I loved him. He told me he loved me. It's been 84 days since he told me he loved me.

Nights are spent in an empty bed, with the covers warming my body instead of Harry's radiating heat. My pillows were soaked from the tears that fell from my eyes every night.

I didn't want to live anymore. I truly didn't. No one knew. Why? Because they're too stupid to look at the signs.

Being suicidal is not always slits on your wrists or taking pills or downing that extra shot.

It's crossing the street without looking. It's not wearing your seatbelt. It's going into the woods not having a care if there are bears or snakes. Why? Because you hope bad things come. You trick yourself into thinking that what you're living truly isn't worth it.

Is it really a trick, though? Or is it real? I don't know anymore.

But you're too scared to really let go. So you decide to let 'fate' handle it.

I felt so alone. I just wanted to be enough for someone. I wanted to be able to always be forgivable. I always thought that flowers always grew where the dirt was. But this dirt is too thick for the flowers, I guess.

I look in the mirror everyday. The reflection makes me want to scream. I never believed in self hatred. I never understood it. You could control the thoughts! Just make yourself happy.

It's not that simple. You can't just make yourself happy. Love makes you happy. And I didn't have that.

I became someone I didn't want to become. Someone I didn't even like. I read something that changed my perspective a little, I guess. It said-

If someone spoke to you like you spoke to yourself, how long would you be friends with that person?

My answer- I wouldn't.

The amount of destructive things I say to myself is scary, if I'm completely honest. Every time I look in the mirror, I pick out things that are wrong with me. It's horrible, I know. But it's addictive. I could always be better.