January 6, 2012
Dear Louis,
I went to the park today. Mom sent me for a walk and I ended up there. It's so quiet in the cold of January. I found a bench near where we buried my fish. That was the only funeral able to compare to yours.
They buried you Christmas morning. I don't remember the rest of the day. I know I got clothes because there are new ones in my closet. I also got books. I look at them often but I never can get myself to read them. There's books we agreed to read together and I don't know if I could do it without you. I don't want to do anything without you.
Sometimes I open your note. I don't ever see the words but I stare at my name at the top. My name. Seven letters. Mairenn, That's as far as I can allow myself to read. Your writing is shaky, like the time you were trying to fake a doctor's note for me to get out of school.
Elliott came over today. She played with Sarah and Joshua. My mom picked her up at the grave yard. Mom said she was shivering in the snow. She's only eight, Lou. We are going to share a room. I don't talk much anymore but neither does she. We are alike and the same. What will we do without you? You made us brave and gave us hope. When you left you didn't just erase your existence. You took our hope, our love, our future. We relied on you and you took our everything. Did you not see the way Elliott adored you? Even when you wouldn't come home until almost midnight?
Dr. Silver came to my mother today. I haven't been going to our sessions and she has to report that. We live in such a small town everyone knows each other’s business. There's no escaping it. They all know I can't live without you. I've seen rumors circulating that Elliott or I are next. Elliott is too young to think of it. She is starting to heal at least. She asked me to play dolls today and I sent her to my sister.
Lauren says that we need to go out someday soon. I don't think I will. I can't go anywhere that I don't remember you and that is too painful. I try to ignore the pain but it keeps bubbling up inside at horrible moments.
I can't do this forever, Louis. I can't just pretend I'm okay and that I can move on. I can't.... I won't. We need you. I love you.
Always, Only, Forever Yours,
Mai <3
YOU ARE READING
Without You
RomanceUNDER EDITING: Mairenn and Louis had been together for a while. Neither of them kept track of the time. Mairenn knew Louis struggled with suicide and guilt over his parents leaving him and his sister when they were young. She loved him and supported...
