D E S P E R A D O

twenty seven

You don't need anyone. You're fine on your own. 

Useless piece of shit! You can't do anything right!

The voice was back and louder than ever. Blurry images fill his head. Darkness. Men in coats. Blood. Death. Despair. His heart beats loudly as he feels the grass under his palms. He looks up. There's a faint sound of crying but... but he can't see who it's from.

A gloved hand reaching out to him and- he wakes up in cold sweat.

And then he was alone. 

Except... he's not. Jimin's sitting up next to him. Jimin is looking at him with a worried expression. Jimin... is there.

"Are you okay?"

He looks at the older for a second, never before having faced someone right after his nightmares. "Yeah..."

"You sure?" Jimin doesn't believe him. He has the same look Yoongi has when he doesn't believe Jungkook.

"It's nothing-"

"No... it's not nothing... You can talk to me Kook. I always hold you when you're shaking in you sleep and-"

Jungkook's eyes widen.

"I'm worried. Please let me help, it hurts to see you like this." Jimin moves forward to hold Jungkook's hand but the younger retracts his hand and stands up from the bed looking at Jimin with... anger for some reason.

Who was he to hold Jungkook? He was not weak! "I'm not weak, I don't need any help!"

"It's not weak to talk about something that's hurting you..." Jimin seemed hurt and Jungkook feels guilty but not enough to calm down.

"I don't need anyone Jimin. I don't need you or anyone. Fuck off!" he spits.

And Jimin's annoyed. "What the fuck? I'm just worried about you Jungkook! Because that's what you do when you like someone, worry about them."

"I don't need you worrying about me. I can take care of myself!"

"Is this what taking care of yourself is then? Bottling it up and preventing yourself from moving on?!"

Jungkook grits his teeth. "Is that what you're doing with the Jeon clan then? Moving on?"

"From what that clan did to you, you should be supporting me!"

"Why would I support you destroying my clan-"

"Your clan?" the older's tone is vicious. "You need to fucking move on. Did you forget what your precious leader did to you? He sold you off to save himself!"

That strikes a memory and suddenly he feels his stomach churns. "Stop-"

"And you still like him after what he did to my brother? He killed him Jungkook. He murdered my brother just like he did to countless other people who trusted him! He doesn't care about you, he never did!"

His head spins. "Please stop-"

"Whatever happened in the past with that clan is still haunting you! Do you remember what they did to you?! Training you to forget about your life before the clan, giving you a false goal, using you. You trusted him didn't you, and what did he do Jungkook?" Jimin continues.

"Jimin-"

"Everything they told you, convinced you, brainwashed you with. You're better than everyone else? You are fine on your own? You don't need anyone? Say it Jungkook, say those words to my face!"

Jungkook looks into Jimin's eyes as his entire memory overflows with nauseating memories. He cups his mouth and runs to the bathroom as bile rises up his throat.

While he retches the contents of him stomach inside the toilet, he feels a gentle hand smoothing down him back, trying to calm him. "Just let it out. I'm here." Jimin speaks in a soft voice. 

Jimin helps him sit on the bathroom floor and uses a wet cloth to wipe Jungkook's mouth. "Talk to me..." he asks still worried, cupping Jungkook's face.

"Back in Busan... we were poor, my father had a small drug business. He was never a good father. Beat my mother and drank all the time. He used to threaten to sell us but my mother loved us. She always protected us..."

Jungkook feels tears prickling on the corner of his eyes threatening to fall and for the first time in a long time, he doesn't feel the need to prevent that from happening. Jimin listened intently, rubbing his sides. 

"One day, some men in a van appeared in the front of our house. My mother and my sister were out... My father told me to go with them and I- I didn't want to go Jimin. I didn't want to leave my family. I tried to run away from them and-" 

He chokes, a single tear falling down his cheek and he just lets himself cry.

"I got you... I'm here." Jimin leans on the wall, pulling Jungkook in between his legs, back to chest. 

"My father ran after m-me with a bat. He- He was going to kill me Jimi- in. But then I- I heard a gunshot and my father, he fell, there was blood e-everywhere. On the grass, on m-me-"

"Breathe baby, take your time I'm right here. I'm listening. I'm here." Jimin rubs his chest soothingly.

Jungkook hiccups. "They- they told me, the m-en in the suits, they t-told me my mother and s-sister would be okay. I-If I went with them, th-they would take care of my f-amily. I haven't looked back s-ince. I- I miss them so much Jimin." he cries out. 

"I know baby..." 

"The worst thing is..." Jungkook scrunches his face in distress, tears rolling uncontrolled down his face. "I don't- I don't remember their faces. My mother, my sister. I can't remember them Jimin. I can't- I-" 

"Shhhh I got you, I'm here." Jimin holds him.

Holds him while he cries more. Holds him while he cleans Jungkook up. Holds him in bed, humming a soft tune, letting Jungkook cry himself to sleep. Holds him through the night, not once leaving his side. 

In the morning when Jungkook wakes up with the need to throw up, he holds him again. He gets Jungkook food, hears him talk, hears him get angry, hears him yell, cry in hysteria but doesn't let him leave when Jungkook starts to regret everything.

"I'm here Jungkook. Please let me be there for you." he whispers, rocking Jungkook in his lap. 

And Jungkook lets himself be held,  be taken care of. Sure those voices in his head haven't left and won't leave for a long time. But slowly alongside those voices in his head came Jimin, telling him that he was there for Jungkook and that there wasn't any shame in that at all.