Forget me not • Felix

Chapter 7

It was happening too often. Jisung hadn't picked up on it yet but I was worried for the day when he would.
My memories were coming back. Why did they have to come back now? Now that I was happy and I'd moved on, why now was I experiencing these flashbacks. I didn't want them; I just want to be happy with Jisung.

Just the other day, he said that he was going to the hairdresser to get a different style and maybe even a different colour if he felt like it and for some reason I asked if he was going to bleach it. His response was "no, you told me bleaching it was bad for my hair", which it can be but I didn't remember saying that to him. I remember Felix's face when I said that to him, though, how sad he was but how much I wanted to protect his hair. Don't get me wrong he looks great with it blonde but I cared about him and wanted him to prevent it getting damaged. Instead, my response to Jisung was "of course yeah, just checking"
He happily smiled and headed out but I was left in a state of bewilderment.

Even yesterday, I asked him he wanted to play video games before bed but he said that it wouldn't be great for our eyes and wouldn't help us get to sleep either. You'll never guess where that suggestion came from... Felix and I would play video games until ridiculous o clock in the morning when we knew we had the spare time. That was something we really enjoyed doing together. Jisung was more sensible than that because he wanted the best for me and while I wanted the best for him too, I also just wanted to have that same kind of fun feeling of not giving a damn. My boy had done that a few times but it seemed in my mind like when Felix did it, it was effortless.

Stop comparing. This isn't a he was but he is competition, Felix is gone and Jisung is your boyfriend. I had to keep reminding myself but my head was spinning like crazy. So, I caved and spoke to Chan about it. As my brother, I assumed he would give me some good advice as it was one of his strong points.

"I mean..." the boy started, as he had come over to mine one night while Jisung was out, "it's good you're getting memories back but not so good it's affecting you in this way"
I held in a sigh. Yeah, tell me something I don't know.
"But just because you're having these memories, doesn't mean that you feel anything towards Felix anymore. Right?"
What?
Feel towards Felix... I had loved him before all this happened but the me that I was now wasn't as in love as I used to be. Surely, there was no way that I could fall for Felix again? Right? I mean, I'm dating Jisung and he makes me feel over the moon so why would I go back to someone like Felix? Especially not someone who left me with no contact since. The boy was just a forgotten memory... ok that's not the right phrasing but he's more in the past... again, ugh, this was frustrating, more so than I had originally thought.

"Chan, I haven't seen the boy in years now, I don't know what I feel"
I'd laid the truth out there. It wasn't that I loved him but I honestly didn't know whether to hate him or just get over it and stick the friends title on him. Chan could get this without me having to say it directly, whether it was my tone or just him knowing me well.
All my dating history, I never was the type to cheat. There was one time that I found I fancied this other guy while I was dating a dude in high school. Yet, I was up front with the boy at the time and explained it but that I would not give him up for another and would just get over the other crush. It worked too! I had spoken to Chan about it and said my plan and at the time he told me how mature I was. This time was a bit different in the fact that Felix had been a huge part of my life and it was all so complicated. If, in the slight chance, anything came of it, I would 100% tell Jisung and find a way round it. Honesty is the best policy as Chan would often tell me growing up.

"I'd say that if it does get even too much more for you then tell him like I know you will, it's one thing to say you're thinking of another boy but the subject matter is different in terms of curing amnesia"
That was Chan's advice. Explain to Jisung if it continued and that getting my memories back shouldn't change anything between us. I chose him at the end of the day and I love him. He knows this but it's still good for reassurance.

The front door swung open and in came a stroppy Jisung with ruffled hair and a look in his eyes that said he was absolutely done with work. I hadn't realised how long Chan had been here by that point. Though, when Jisung laid eyes on both of us, Chan took that as a cue to leave. The poor boy looked shattered and he probably didn't want social interaction right now. My brother bid his farewells and shit the door behind him.
"Surprise visit from your brother huh?"
I patted the seat next to me, so I could comfort the tired boy, "just wanted a chilled catch you you know?"
Wrapping my arm around him, Jisung leant into my chest and snuggled up beside me. He looked like he could fall asleep but I poked his cheek keeping him conscious, "would you like something to eat?"
His response was to just nuzzle his head into me some more, "hugs first, food after"
I nodded slightly and adjusted my position so we were both comfy, laying there for some time. Just taking in the peace and the calm, I felt at home like I always did with him.