hiraeth. [You Are Ours Rewrite]

[CH.15]

He was floating.

Everything was muffled all around him, the faint noise of wind echoing in his ears. The silence remained afterwards, isolating and cold. Nothing could be heard, not even his own heartbeat.

His body felt disconnected from his mind. It was so dark, so agonizingly isolating. The feeling of loneliness was constantly there, close enough to grasp but it never let itself be caught. Hyunjin didn't even have the energy to shout for help, to reach out, to do anything.

He was sinking.

Drowning?

Deeper and deeper for every moment. The distant light above him felt further and further away now. He couldn't feel anything, not even those ghost embraces that always danced close to his fingertips every time he thought back to the night his family was torn apart.

It felt so peaceful. Maybe he could stay here forever, feel nothing so that he doesn't have to hurt and long for things he wouldn't be allowed to have. He felt detached from his body. Such relief, he thought. Nothing could reach him here. No one could find him. It was dark enough that he couldn't even see himself.

So comforting. When would this silence start to feel lonely? Hyunjin knew this experience like he knew dancing.

It would only last for a short while.

Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply, hoping water would fill his lungs.

A moment later, he was bolting upright, gasping harshly as he scratched the fragile skin of his throat, the fit of coughs making his whole body quiver.

Pain and panic flared up in his brain, Hyunjin gagging in an attempt to get all the water out, only to realize that there was none. He was alone, in darkness, surrounded by nothing.

Forcing himself to gulp down mouthfuls of air, Hyunjin dug his nails harder into his skin. Wake up, Hwang. Wake up.

His brain slowly registered the bed he was lying in. He was no longer sinking, but the steady pressure still hovered in his chest and he felt weightless. There was no water here. He was far above the surface, as far as he could get. Despite his blurry state of mind, Hyunjin still knew he wasn't safe. Not fully, at least.

Not in the comfort of his home, with his brother.

He was not getting out of here.

Hyunjin felt the tears swell up, ready to pour out but in the vain attempt of stopping his cries, he bit his lip harsh enough for iron to fill his taste buds. The alpha couldn't phantom where all these emotions came from. Jinyoung always said there was nothing wrong with being a sensitive person, but he was an alpha, for God's sake. If there was anything his secondary gender could contribute to, it was having the ability to control his feelings.

But no, not even biology followed. Hyunjin knew better than to blame it, he was raised to look away from tradition. Alphas weren't as in control of themselves as they claimed to be and he hated that he had to be put with the rest of them. Everything his father had done to raise him, even his promise to his mother of staying strong...that had been for nothing.

And since he was little, Hyunjin had felt hollow. Empty. Nothing had remained after grieving his parents. If there ever was something, just a sliver of emotion, it would pour out just as quickly. Hyunjin didn't know what was wrong with him or why he always felt so...so damn pathetic and like he had been reduced to nothing.

There was this giant hole in his chest that had continued to grow, tearing him apart the older he became.

Hyunjin had once looked in the mirror, just to see if it could be seen on him. What if people could see his true feelings hidden behind a cheerful smile? Was it shown in his eyes, how he lost himself gradually and without any clue how to recover?