your shallow breathing\\anderperry

chapter two!

todd's notebook rested heavily on his lap, the thoughts he wanted to express so badly started to appear on the white paper. the scratching sounds of his pencil was now the only thing he still heard. it was obtrusive and he received the feeling that something was near to him from it. todd's face was tense, his eyes narrowed as he read his words carefully. he hold he breath, making sure no one will notice him, as if he was doing something forbidden in there. the pale sun was shining through the windwow and drew bright circles onto the bedroom floor.

todd held the paper tightly in his nervous fingers, the paper where he had poured his whole heart and mind out to. he turned towards the window, trying to spot the sun, although he was immediatly blinded by its light.

in that moment, sensing the warm sunlight on his cheeks, todd felt so vulnerable. his glance wandered to the paper again, to the poem he tried to write and he gulped. todd strengthened his grip and the paper crumpled slightly.

the paper was full of it as well as his mind. full of him.

"fuck!", todd whispered. how was it even possible to love someone so much. todd hated these feelings. he hated his feelings. his love did not make him feel happy or good in any possible way, it didn't. instead it make him feel afraid and weak. he rubbed his eyes. and tired, so tired. he wasn't able to fall asleep, when the reason for his condition was lying in the bed next to him. every night, todd was scared that neil would hear his heart beating so fast or his low mumbled confessions that he just couldn't stop. todd was so in love and he had never been more scared of it. ever.

no one should ever know how todd felt, no one. he didn't dare to imagine, waht would happen if people would know, know he loved a boy, know he was gay. todd swallowed his thoughts and started tearing the paper into pieces. it was the only thing he could do. hide it. hide his feelings to keep himself save. and keep his heart save from the pain. it would never survive it, todd knew this for sure.

he turned away from the light that started to hurt his eyes and sat down onto his bed again. he covered his face with his cold fingers and took a deep breath. how should he ever overcome his feelings for neil when he wasn't even allowed to let them out? this love would be trapped inside of him forever, todd thought.

he picked up the pencil again and started to write again.

the noise of someone opening the door made him wince. suddendly his head felt empty and crowded at the same time. the boy in front of him entered the room with the brightest smile.
"brighter then the sunlight. but this doesn't hurt my eyes in any way.", todd thought nervously. neil sat next to him.

"i found it!", he said and todd was confused for a few seconds. the rays of sunshine nade his face glow and for a short moment, neil shone broghter than the sun itself.

"you found what?", he finally answered, looking deep into neil's brown eyes. even inside of them, he could see the sparkling joy of neil's heart. he was so beatiful, todd couldn't help but stare at him. fortunately neil was too excited to notice.

"what i want to do, todd! with my life!", he held a flyer in his hands. "a midsummer nights dream", todd read the words.

"but what...?" neil cut him off with this soft chuckle todd loved to hear and felt something inside of his stomach.

"i want to act, todd! i am gonna be in that play, i'll be an actor!", he shouted, with such a happy facial expression that todd smiled a little.

"you want to act?", he repeated.

"yes, it is my dream, todd, do you understand? my dream!"

todd nodded. yes, he understood very well. a dream, neil had a dream.

"and your father, he is not...", todd felt cruel when he said those words, knowing it will destroy all the happiness neil was feeling right now.

"my father, my father. he won't know! and he can't always stop me. i will do this todd, i will!" todd realized the bitter tone his words had become and he hated himself for making neil feel bad. he didn't want this, he wanted him to be happy. todd knew, if neil was happy then todd would be the happiest boy in the world. but he just ruined everything.

neil stared at todd and todd didn't dare to breath.

"this is my dream and i have to do this, i just have to. you dmay not understand this, todd, but it means just so much to me, okay? i can't have everything i want, but this is my chance and i just have to seize the day now. okay? carpe diem. because sometimes i just can't seize the day."

todd felt neil's eyes in his own and he suddendly had no words left to say. but he had to say something.

"i just, n-neil, i-i am sorry...", he heard himself stutter and stumble over his own words.

"no, todd. it is okay.", neil's face was so close to his own right now. "i just have to seize the day. now.", he whispered and if the world was a different one, todd was a different person, if he was brave enough, he would have seized then day now. and he would've kissed him.

"yeah, i get it, n-neil." todd's voice was shaky and his heart beated so fast, it knocked hard against his chest every few split seconds.

"good.", neil smiled softly again and then he stood up. todd tried to normalize his breath and he stared down onto the ground.

"n-neil, neil, i a-", but neil cut him off again.

"shhh, don't talk about it. look, the sun looks pretty today, doesn't it?" neil had gone to the window and pointed outside.

"no, you look pretty today, you always do.", todd thought and bit his lip in silent desperation. what was he thinking again?

"yeah, sure."

neil turned around and looked him right into his eyes. todd felt his heart warming.

"what were you doing here while i was gone anyways?", neil asked, but before todd could reply, neil grabbed his notebook and began to read todd's written words.

"neil! stop, please! give it back, i- you, don't read that!", todd tried to reach his pages with the horrible poem he had writted on it, but neil was taller. and faster.

"poetry! todd, you are a poet!"

todd felt his cheeks burn.

"neil, give it back, please!"

todd grabbed his notebook and neil let go.

"you are really talented, todd anderson! you should seize the day, too!"

todd smiled a little and was relieved, so relieved that neil was not able to read what he actually wrote, the poem that he had written for him.

"i wish i could seize the day.", todd mumbled and neil chuckeled.

"you can, dummie, just do it. it isn't that hard!"

if he only knew.