Enemy of Silence

4 - Questions

I sit at the small desk in my bunk, rereading the last line of Bucky's letter to me:

I hope to see you in my Sergeant's cap soon doll, then I'll ask you to be my girl

Yours, James Buchanan Barnes

'Yours', the word makes my heart flutter and a giddy smile to form on my face. Nothing's ever been mine before, I've always been controlled, property of anyone but myself. Yet the idea of James being mine and me being his sets my heart alight. "What's got you all slack happy?" Peggy chides. "Oh lay off Peg, I'm only a little khaki wacky." I laugh, "Plus, you can't act all high and mighty. Don't think I don't notice how enamored you are with Steve." Peggy smiles and shakes her head. "And I here I thought you were waiting for me." I add. "Ever the sarcastic Vicky."

"You know me Carter, sarcasm is my coping mechanism." I groan, "Are you sure I can't punch Phillips in the face?" Peggy sighs at me, "No, you absolutely cannot." I pout and ask, "Not even break his nose a little bit?" Before Peggy can respond one of the nurses pokes her head through the tent and informs me that Erskine would like to meet me and head to see Rogers. "I'll see you later Peg." I say with a nod as I slip out in search of Erskine.

Erskine and I arrive at the bunks in which Steve is staying. He's sat on his bunk, reading a book. This kid is so precious, I think. "May I?" Erskine asked from the door way. Steve looks towards us and returns my smile, "Yeah." He confirms. "Can't sleep?" I ask, noticing the tension in the poor boy's shoulders. Steve nods, "I got the jitters I guess." I sit down next to Steve as Erskine laughs and agrees. Steve shifts in his spot, looking up at Erskine timidly, "Can I ask you a question?" he asks. "You just did." I mumbled, looking up to meet Steve's eyes, a disapproving smile on his face. I just shrugged. Steve continues after Erskine gives him permission, "Why me?" My chest tightens as I register the confusion in his face, the nervousness, the lack of confidence. "I don't know about Erskine's reasons ostanovka but from what I've seen and from what Buck's told me, nobody is a better fit than you. We don't want a big brute with the brains of an imbecile to get any cockier." I explain. Steve nods in understanding.

Erskine looks down at the bottle of Schnapps he brought with him and begins to talk, "I suppose that is the only question that matters." He gestures to the bottle, "This is from Augsburg. My city. So many people forget that the first country that the Nazi's invaded was their own. You know, after the last war the... my people struggled. They... they felt weak. They felt small. And then Hitler comes along with the marching and the big show and the flags and the... and the..." He waves his hand, as if that's enough to encompass the horrors, nothing is enough. Nevertheless he continues, "And he... he hears of me, my work and he finds me. And he says, "You." He says, " 'You will make us strong.' Well, I am not interested. So he sends the head of HYDRA, his research division. A brilliant scientist by the name of Johann Schmidt." I visibly shudder at the name, my mind holds no pleasant memories of Schmidt. His voice is ingrained in my mind, yelling for the soldiers to fire as I escaped... Erskine's voice snaps me out of my stupor as I listen to his story. "Now, Schmidt is a member of the inner circle and he's ambitious. He and Hitler share a passion for occult power and Teutonic myth. Hitler uses his fantasies to inspire his followers. But for Schmidt, it is not fantasy. For him, it is real. He has become convinced that there is a great power hidden in the earth, left here by the Gods, waiting to be seized by a superior man. So when he hears about my formula and what it can do, he cannot resist. Schmidt must become that superior man." He finishes.

I think back to the power Schmidt craved, how anytime I heard his name it was nothing but praise. Praise for his ability to kill with no hesitation, his drive, his need for power. I knew I was a better fighter than him, I was Agent 1 at 16 for a reason. Any woman is inherently stronger than a man with no morals. Schmidt abused his power continually, especially on people better than him. He's the reason I left, the moment I heard he injected himself was the moment I knew I was in the right place. Using my skills to ruin him, ruin him and HYDRA. "Did it make him stronger?" Steve asks. I scoff lightly, "Those serums make us all stronger, until we realise what we've become." I mutter under my breath, silently reliving the pain of the Black Widow serum, the fear that being a human experiment was my only choice. Living with no free will for ten years doesn't strip away the little voice in your subconscious telling you when something is wrong, you just learn how to ignore it. Luckily neither man heard my statement and Erskine answered. "Yes. But, there were other effects. The serum was not ready. But more important, the man. The serum amplifies everything that is inside. So, good becomes great. Bad becomes worse. This is why you were chosen. Because a strong man, who has known power all his life, will lose respect for that power. But a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows compassion." I can't help but nod.

Steve's heart jumps at finally being called strong, I hear it myself, but he still seems skeptical when he mumbles a "Thank you, I think." Erskine pours three drinks, handing one to each of us. "Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier, but a good man." We raise our glasses as Steve says, "To the little guys." I drink the liquid down in one, what's the point in savouring it when you can't get drunk? Erskine hurries to Steve as he's about to drink, "No! No! Wait! Wait! What I am doing? No! You have a procedure tomorrow. No fluids." He pours the contents of Steve's glass into his as Steve says they'll drink it tomorrow. "No! I don't have procedure tomorrow. Drink it after? Drink it now!" Erskine exclaims, Steve and I just laugh.

A/N Ostanovka - Shortstop (Russian)