Dreams

6

"So whenever you feel that temptation come Kevin," Jacob said, "don't freak out. That will send signals to your brain, reinforcing those neural pathways that there's no escape. But remember instead, that when you feel tempted, stop. Stay calm, and think about things for a moment. You might think about your schedule for the rest of the day, or for tomorrow."

"Then," Kevin said to his therapist, "I can... I can slowly reinforce to my mind that there's another option."

"Exactly," Jacob smiled. "It's all about those neural pathways. This addiction may seem like it is all caused by the bodily desires, but much of it is a mental problem - your brain has become used to that pleasure, and has built mental pathways around it."

"And so," Kevin said, "I need to make new pathways."

"Yes," Jacob said. "And you've already done so much to rewire your brain. You're talking to me. You said that you haven't masturbated in a week too right?"

Kevin sighed. "I said a week. I really meant five days."

"But that's better than doing it multiple times a day for several months isn't it?"

"Yeah," Kevin smiled, shedding a tear.

"You're doing a lot better in just these three appointments we've had," Jacob said. "I've seen a lot of growth in you."

"Thanks," he wiped his eyes. "I... I was keeping my problems locked inside. When they were stuck inside me, they were impossible to dechipher. But... when I asked for help, it got the problem out of me. You could help me understand it. My brother could help comfort me."

"It took a lot of courage," Jacob said. "Problems like these are really hard to talk about - and I want to reiterate something that we talked about last time. What matters is that you bridle your passions. You guide them. You don't let them run wild, and you don't lock them away."

"Yeah," Kevin smiled.

"if you decide to act upon certain sexual interests," Jacob said, "what matters most is that you guide those desires. You've said that you want to date more, and get married. If you feel you can act upon these sexual fantasies while still loving your wife, I don't see anything wrong with that."

Kevin perked up. "I... I haven't decided if I will. They don't feel right to me. But... but it's comforting to know that they aren't evil."

"No," Jacob smiled, "they're not. I've talked with a lot of guys your age, and you are not bizarre. There are many guys that have sexual interests that differ from the norm."

"I'm not a freak," Kevin smiled.

"No," Jacob smiled, "you're not. What I can say is that you are more capable than you think you are."

"Yeah," Kevin smiled, blinking away tears. "And... and I've got God on my side."

"And that is the important thing that will keep you in the right direction Kevin," Jacob said. "Reinforce those behaviors that make you feel good. You've said that praying is one that's helped you. You've also mentioned dating as one, and finishing homework assignments. Keep doing those."

"Okay," Kevin said.

"We're out of time," Jacob said, "but my homework for you for next week, is to make a list of things that you can do to replace the bad behavior, and help you cope with your stress."

"I can do that," Kevin smiled.

The two stood up, and Jacob opened the door for him.

Walking out of the office, then out the building, Kevin felt a renewed surge a vigor, like he'd had leaving his previous appointments.

It was possible to recover. It was possible to change. His destiny was set in stone.

Kevin walked through the snowy parking lot, and saw his face reflected in the window of his car. He was clean shaven, had gel in his hair, and...

And looked alive. And inside, there was this sense that this image staring back at him was who he was. That was his identity. Something he couldn't put into words.

Interesting, he thought, as he got inside the car and started driving.

Through his whole time struggling with his problem, Kevin had applied so many labels to himself. Pervert. Creep. Child. Immature. Weak.

Society applied so many labels to him. White. American. Straight. Cis-gender. Christian. Labels that had varying levels of good and bad depending on who you asked.

But even though some labels were part of who he was, the person he was, truly, couldn't be described in words. It was that reflection in the mirror. It was that burst of creativity as he captured the world with his camera.

It was... it was the man he was, when he sat down, and talked with his family. When he just enjoyed being around those he loved.

There was one label though that Kevin felt that might capture who he was.

He was a son of God.