Dreams

5

Kelsy wasn't sure where she was when she awoke. She just heard the beeping of an alarm.

She immediately began sobbing into a pillow, hiding her face from the light going through the window. She didn't deserve that light. She was... she was someone of darkness.

Laying there though, squinting her eyes shut... Kelsy felt... more aware. More aware of herself. Her body.

She wasn't Kelsy.

He was Kevin.

And he still had a penis.

Kevin shivered, and trembled uncontrollable.

It had been a dream. The worst dream of his entire life. It had been vivid and real.

So many times, when Kevin drifted into depression, he wracked himself with pain, thinking of all the ways he could fail in life - then imagining a scenario where he stagnated completely in life, and never attained anything he dreamed of.

Sometimes, in his even deeper times, he imagined that death wouldn't even bring relief. That he wouldn't be bad enough for hell, and not good enough for heaven. That he would be all alone in some in-between place.

He imagined Jesus saying that Kevin was actually good enough to go into heaven, and be with his family, but Kevin imagined that he would refuse Jesus's invitation.

Just like Kevin rejected the other invitations his Reedemer offered him.

Kevin knew that dream was sent from God to scare him straight. Or, well, maybe. It wasn't like he, of all people, should be trusted to speak on spiritual things.

Kevin continued to wet his pillow with tears. He just wanted to stay in bed all day - make himself feel like crap, and punish himself for the terrible person he was. The pervert that he was.

But Kevin knew, in the pure evil of life, that he could not stay upset forever. Something would improve his mood, and then he would try to stay happy again. Only to come crashing down, feeling worse than before.

It was a rare moment, as he lay on his bed, that he felt so terrible he didn't even want to masturbate.

How had Kevin gotten off track? Why hadn't he asked someone, anyone about what masturbation was when he was younger? By the time he'd been caught by his dad, he'd been told that he wasn't in trouble, and that he should just not do it anymore.

But Kevin had already been addicted. And no amount of help would save him now.

His dream was still going to come true. His life was still going to disolve into ruin. He just wouldn't be a girl.

He was beyond saving.

Kevin's mind, once again, returned to thoughts of Jesus. He believed Jesus had the power to save him - Kevin was the weak one. Kevin was the one who was choosing not to accept Jesus's help.

Kevin was a prodigal son, who, upon being offered a great feast, and welcomed home, had repeatedly chosen to go back and feed hogs.

A knock came at the door, and it opened at the same time.

"Hey Kevin," Greg said, "me and some friends are planning on getting some lunch. Wanna come?"

Hearing that last word - that word that sounded like another certain word... set his stupid, evil, dirty mind off.

"Kevin?"

"No," he hoarsely said.

"I think that it would be good for you to get out and do something," Greg said.