Dreams

15

Another morning came. Another masturbation session. Another day of classes. Another day of work.

Adding to his draining feeling today, Kevin soon realized that the hair he had trimmed around his butt crack had now left him bare, and was causing him pain.

He had given into a harmful behavior, and now he needed to suffer the consequences.

Kevin was feeling that at the current time, he had exhausted his options for things to masturbate to. But he knew that he was going to give in after work anyway.

As he vacuumed, listening to a podcast, he felt a pang of guilt. He wasn't even trying to choose a different path than giving in. He was just too weak.

But what did he expect would be the way to escape this addiction? There would always be motivation for him to give in.

He had some long distant hope that he would be able to escape before important life events. But was that really going to happen?

He didn't really see himself dating any time soon. The kind of girl he wanted to marry deserved someone better than him, purer than him.

They deserved someone who would love them, not a bizarre fetish.

Would he ever be able to unshackle himself from his perverted kinks? Or would he... would he be stuck with them?

He had spent so many years wiring his brain to think that pleasure came from these kinks. He feared that this rewiring could not be undone.

Kevin realized he had spaced out as he returned his attention to his podcast. He tried to bring himself to laugh at the jokes the hosts made, but he was not in the mood to do so.

When he was vacuuming outside of a classroom, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Kevin turned off his vacuum and pulled out his ear buds, finding Jayden standing next to him.

"Hey Kevin," he said, "once your done here, I want you to grab some glass cleaner and help Amy clean that main entrance window."

"Okay," Kevin said.

Jayden gave him a thumbs up and went on his way.

Listening to his podcast a bit, Kevin felt his mood lighten a little bit. But he had a hard time paying attention.

Done with vacuuming, Kevin eagerly hefted the bac-vac off his back, feeling light headed, but relieved. He grabbed up some rags and glass cleaner, and headed to the building entrance.

Amy was already there, cleaning a window pane. Her presence made Kevin feel uncomfortable. He wanted to just keep listening to his podcast, and not have to worry about interacting with someone.

Plus, Kevin felt embarrassed. All Amy thought he was was a surly grump. Maybe he was. Obviously not the kind of guy a girl would be interested in. But weighed down with his struggles, Kevin wasn't sure when he could ever not be depressed.

He was reminded yet again of the horrible poison this was on his life. It was very hard not to feel like God hadn't cursed him. He was trapped. He was too weak to escape.

Kevin suddenly realized someone was saying something to him, and he pulled out his headphones.

"What?" he asked weakly.

"I asked," Amy said, "if you were having a better day today."

Kevin stared down at the ground for a moment.

"No."

"I'm sorry," Amy said.

"Don't feel sorry because of my problems."

"Well," Amy said, "I am sorry, about yesterday. I didn't mean to make you upset. My personality can be abrasive sometimes, and I tease people to cheer them up."

"I hate teasing," Kevin said bluntly.

"Sorry," Amy said.

She was silent after that. Kevin hoped it was reason to put his headphones back in, and isolate himself again.

"So... what's been going bad with you exactly?" Amy asked.

Kevin groaned as he pulled out his earbuds again. He has a moment of self awareness, realizing that this was probably why he was perceived as grumpy.

Normal people realized these things. He did not. Even his dark personal problems aside, people probably perceived him as an oddity. He told himself that while he had learning disabilities, he at least was "normal" enough to blend in.

But how did he know he was anywhere near normal? Maybe his disabilities impaired his very ability to judge how competent he was?

Gosh I hate this. I hate being so blind. So in the dark. So directionless...

Kevin realized that he'd left Amy waiting for a response. He also realized that he'd been crying slightly.

Kevin saw the surprise, and awkwardness in Amy's eyes as she stared at him.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I just... I'm just going through a lot."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Amy asked.

"You don't want to hear about my problems," Kevin said. "My problems are... very personal."

"Drugs?" Amy guessed.

Kevin shook with her abrupt forcefulness.

"No... I... I don't think it's something I should talk about."

"Maybe it would help you to talk about it," Amy asked.

"I have before," Kevin said. "It hasn't helped. I'm the only one who can make this better. I am the one inflicting myself with sorrow. No one can help me. I have to walk this road alone."

"My...," Amy said, "that's... dramatic."

Kevin closed his eyes, and bowed his head.

"I didn't mean to be rude," Amy said, "I just... that sounds really painful."

Kevin felt more tears come.

"Kevin... I'm really sorry. I had no idea that you were having such a hard time."

Kevin then felt surprise, as he felt a mere acquaintance put her arm around him.

A girl was touching him.

It was only because she pitied him. She saw the pathetic, depraved creature he was, and felt sorry for it.

But Amy held him. And it felt comforting.

"I don't know what you're struggling with Kevin," she said, "but I think that maybe just putting your problems on pause for a second, and taking a moment to try to be happy would help you."

"I can't," Kevin said. "I... I can't."

"Why not?"

Maybe it was because he was plagued with a life destroying addiction that worked together with weakness from his mental ability to create severe depression. But Kevin couldn't say that, and couldn't put his thoughts into words.

"Hey Kevin," Amy said, "after we finish work, would you wanna grab some Chick-fil-A or something?"

A girl was asking if he wanted to hang out with her. She wanted to be around him.

No. No. No, she didn't. She just wanted to be nice. She didn't really care about him.

"Okay," Kevin said.

He barely felt the word come. He felt complete indifference to her offer.

But the response seemed to satisfy her, and she left him alone.

Alone.

Alone. He was alone.