Dreams

4

Kevin felt uncontrollable tears flow down his cheeks. A hurricane of emotion went through him.

In a frenzy, he stripped off all of his clothes.

He had boobs now, the size of an average girl. He'd lost all of his body hair. He felt his brown hair had now grown long, cascading over his shoulders.

"I can't be a girl," he cried, "I can't be a girl..."

His voice too. It was a girl's voice.

Kevin was overcome with grief, and it tore his soul into little pieces. Never had he ever felt such emotional pain.

For years, he'd imagined scenarios like this. Scenarios that would arouse him. But this was nothing like that. This was real. This was something that was going to destroy his life.

The first destruction came soon afterward.

His door opened.

"Kevin?" a whisper came.

It was all a blur to Kevin as he lay on the floor in the fetal position. He heard the grief from his brother as he struggled to make sense of the situation.

He barely registered as he heard Greg call their parents. All Kevin could focus on was crying and thinking of as many reasons as he could why his life was over.

He caught a few snippets of what Greg said to them - "Yes, I'm sure it's him," "no, I don't think he's injured," "yes, I think going home is a good idea."

Greg practically had to push Kevin around. Apparently they were going home before their roommates woke up.

Eventually, Kevin was able to function enough to get himself ready to leave.

Getting ready and driving home was a blur to him. What was happening to him now felt less real, and more nightmarish than his lucid dreams.

He didn't dream when he fell asleep in the car. What he did hear though, was the whisper of that invasive ghost: "Enjoy..."

****

Time did not heal Kelsy's internal scars.

The intial shock of her transformation was distressing to her, and her family. She questioned if she was crazy, despite her family having no other explanation than her strange "dream-ghost."

She questioned if she had gone insane, and was now hallucinating all of this. Maybe she was dead. Maybe reality meant absolutely nothing.

This wasn't some tg story that he read online, where someone was perfectly happy and ran off to some undescribed "new life." Because his "new life," didn't have a happy ending. It wasn't happy, and it didn't end.

The pain just continued. For a while, they put his school on pause. He'd been so close to the end of the term, and they had to mark all his classes all incomplete.

He stayed at home, over the summer. The rare people they shared his condition with, including their family doctor, had nothing to help him. Only the suggestion to learn to live with it.

And that's what Kelsy had done. Struggled to live as a girl.

All the while, never able to smile, only able to cry. God had punished her, she was sure. Punished her for her bizarre sexual pursuits.

And despite gaining some grasp of normalcy, learning to adjust to her new life, her problem she'd had as a boy hadn't gone away. It had just changed.

She'd very quickly given into masturbating as a girl, trying to find something to numb her pain. The reality of actually being a girl made her fetish burn hot for a while.

But as time passed, her fetish for being a girl subsided. Like her old fetish for furry stuff, it now did little.

When she finally returned to campus and her classes, now less than she'd taken before, she felt her soul tear again. She now wanted to masturbate to thinking about boys.

And she gave into it.

Her spiral didn't take much longer to fall down.

For so many years, Kevin had restrained himself. He had kept himself from going into "hardcore" pornography. He'd told himself that he would not seek to give into having real sex, at least not until he could contain his fetish, and actually love a girl.

Kelsy had no such inhibitions. And soon enough, she did it with a guy.

It had felt amazing. But afterward, she'd felt the same, horrible shame she always felt. She'd lost who she was. She'd broken every restraint.

Her dreams got worse, and she could no longer lucid dream.

Where once her dreams, her passions and desires in life had been to have a family and a career in filmmaking, her emotional trauma refused. She was unable to commit to anyone she dated - they deserved a real girl, and a girl that wasn't a pervert.

Eventually, college classes were too much, and she dropped out.

Kelsy told herself it would only get worse - she'd become a stripper, or something, go in the darkest places she could go. But she knew those thoughts were stupid. She was too weak, too afraid to let her pursuit of pleasure take her to those places.

She had been too weak to escape her addiction. Now she was too weak to fully give into it, and condemmn herself. She never went to those dark places, but she also was never able to have more than short term boyfriends.

Once one of her boyfriends got close to proposing.

She broke up with him before the boy could ruin his life.

As the years passed, she wept, watching her younger brothers, people who had looked up to her, watch in disappointment, as she spiraled further into depression.

They found love. They married. Started careers. Had children. They progressed in life.

And they left her behind.

Left her alone.