Whatever The F He Wants

Mardi Gras

APRIL & PHIL

"Look at them," April smiled. "I'll tell ya, Bam knows it. You hear that blow horn? I've made a fresh pot if you want some."

"Thanks," Phil pulled the mug closer. "Which one are we goin' in?"

"I think Glomb's decorating them first," April rolled her eyes. "I told the ladies at the salon, but they all probably think it's a joke, which it is. I'm a grown woman going to Mardi Gras. For what - that's just what they're thinking."

"Nah, it can't be that bad," Phil shook his head. "You wake Jessie yet?"

"She'll be awake by now, if she isn't already," April glanced at the staircase. "Here she comes. I've packed some magazines. Least we're getting the bed in the back. I couldn't fit in one of those bunk beds in the side."

JENN & MISSY

"Thanks for comin'," Jenn steered Glomb's truck near the Hobbit Hole. "It looks kinda silly, I know. We're like the hired help."

"What is that?" Missy peered over her shoulder. "A ramp in case he gets bored?"

"In case they all get bored," Jenn chuckled. "There they go. We're to follow their RVs all the way to New Orleans. Check the glovebox. I reckon Glomb forgot to give us cash to gas up."

Missy opened and shut the glovebox with a smile.

"There's a bag of crisps, a packet of nails, and a roll of rubbers," Missy admitted. "Which do you want first?"

APRIL & GLOMB

"Oh god, you smell," April held her nose. "Please, can we stop at some motel with a shower. I'll pay. I don't even care."

"Ape, this is just the beginning," Glomb wiped his sticky brow. "I've gotta get even. Right, Cartz? Well, don't take his silence as anything. He's never been on one of Bam's wild rides before."

"Phil, pass me that, will ya? Thanks. Glomb, wipe yourself. Go jump in a lake. There's every opportunity for you to roll off into a ditch and never be seen again."

"You can't say that out loud, April," Glomb grinned. "Folks will think ya mean it."

"We're off camera," April raised her eyebrows. "I can say any damn thing off script I like. It's hard enough acting surprised when Bam's rehearsed the walk through ten times over."

RAKE & TIM O'CONNOR

"You can't tell me that's not what you're thinking," Rake pointed. "Look at Jason Ellis! He could've just broken his hip."

"Gee, thanks grandma," Tim smirked. "It's a way of life. You know it, Bam knows it, all the people here know it. You've gotta lighten up."

"No thanks," Rake frowned. "Getting bruised in a wheelchair and attended to by nurses for the rest of my life?"

"Sign me up," Tim chuckled. "C'mon, man. Especially on camera. You've gotta relax. We're all here for fun."

Rake shook his head. "We'll never make it to Mardi Gras on time. I'm heading to take a dump - how much you wanna bet it's a long drop situation?"

JADE & SOLEIA

"I'm glad I caught you alone," Jade giggled. "Did you see him?"

"I see all of them," Soleia checked her purse. "If you want, we can bail."

"No way," Jade checked her watch. "You see all the cameras round? You figure backpacking in Australia was any better than this? We'll be on TV."

"Oh, lay off it," Soleia shook Jane's shoulder. "I've seen you two making eyes at each other."

"The Aussie? Oh yes," Jane smiled. "Look, here they come now. And I bet he's bought one of us crisps."

"I'm glad it's not just us on board," Soleia glanced over her shoulder. "Look, they even took their handbags. Perhaps they don't trust us?"

"They need to pay somehow," Jane stared. "Missy's nice. You can tell Bam's girlfriend sent her over here to spy."

"And his sister, too?" Soleia huffed. "There's only so much space at this table. You should have seen her face when Jason invited Missy to play strip poker and sit next to Tim. I swear, now that's something in the cards."

"Well, Missy a good friend," Jane shrugged. "She stood up right away when she knew. But you wouldn't do that, so I won't ever have to doubt you."

"No," Soleia frowned. "You wouldn't. Jason's yours; if he wants you, that is. Oh, look. We can't discuss it further. Oh, gentlemen... did you get us anything?"

RAAB & TIM O'CONNOR

"Yo, you see this crowd," Raab stepped out of the limo, into the crowd. "Damn, look at these cops! You reckon any of these chicks will take their top off?"

"Hold on there, pal," Tim chuckled. "We're almost at the hotel. These guys in blue won't let anyone get near."

"Look at 'im," Raab pointed. "Cameras all round 'im. He's a star. Wish I was like 'im."

"Nah you don't," Tim clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't be bothered by it. Just go with the flow. We're up here. Look at all the faces on these stairs."

"Dude, there's bouncers at our room," Raab giggled. "I bet we're sleeping on the couch. There's barely enough room here. You hear that outside? I'm gunna run and get some Viva la Bam beads. Grab a beer for me?"

MISSY & RAKE / MISSY & JENN

"No way," Rake grinned. "I'm glad I caught ya. You see this crowd? Man, I took a look over the balcony and got cigarette ash on my hands... "

"Mmm," Missy took a drag. "Well I won't tell the guys. I know how much you already hate mustard."

"So, Penn State. We are... " Rake pantomimed with a laugh. "BS in Chemistry."

"Bachelor in Communication - "

"Communication?" Rake frowned. "What good's that?"

Missy took a swig of her beer, lifting a finger from her grip. Rake turned.

"Aw, man!" Rake scowled and stomped off. "I'll see ya."

"Glad I caught you," Jenn ran up. "It's a break from all this cheering. I've never seen anything like it. You see those girls on the other side of the building? You'd think they didn't own clothing. Where'd Rake go?"

"He saw Soleia and Jade with Jason Ellis," Missy watched.

"Well, that's for him to sort out," Jenn raised an eyebrow. "You doin' OK?"

"Yeah," Missy breathed. "Me and my boyfriend broke up, so that's not all good."

"Oh, I know sweetie," Jenn clutched her arm. "Believe me, in this crowd, you can feel like your worries are melting away. Are you gonna finish that beer?"

Missy smiled and handed it over.

"Did you see Bam's sister?" Jenn rattled the remnants. "I'll go see how she's doing."

"Oh, yeah. She's over there," Missy pointed. "Do you see who with?"

"I'm not surprised," Jenn smiled. "Do you think she'll say anything? Do you think he will?"

"Oh, no," Missy shook her head. "Especially not with Bam standing near. And look - ah! - he's spotted them. Now they've never got a chance. C'mon, let's say hello. I'm getting chilly without my cardigan."

"Then let's hop inside, and we can return to this madness," Jenn lifted a hand in greeting.