Whatever The F He Wants

Westchester

DUNN & TIM O'CONNOR

"I can't hear ya," Dunn shouted. "One sec. I'll go outside. Nah, I'm at my local. Beers are cheaper, you know how it is."

"You famous nobody," Tim chuckled. "I'm gettin' a slap for that, aren't I? Where are ya, Rex's?"

"You know they took the trough urinals out of the men's room," Dunn lit up. "I just got a funny look from a guy walkin' past, perhaps he's interested. But things are a-changin'."

"Never change, Dunn. I've got some old change in my wallet I picked out of a urinal."

"You're all class," Dunn snickered. "Hey, I've got your wife here, by the way."

"Fuck, man. She didn't hear you, did she?"

"She came down with her uncle Shitbird, he's just leavin'," Dunn waved. "I figure I'll see how much of a bar tab she's got, go all in. You never know."

"You leave her alone," Tim grinned. "I've got the ring, some relic from my mom. I've gotta travel from Jersey, my beat up car's gonna be weighed down all the way."

"You'll cope, it's only an hour's drive."

"You know her better than me at this moment," Tim breathed. "You think she'll say yes? Phil and Ape know, but Bam can't keep a secret worth his life."

"Hey, she could be on her period tomorrow," Dunn shrugged. "When you thinking o' telling her?"

"I won't tell that woman anything," Tim chuckled. "Only askin' to take this poor schlub in heart and home."

"Well, good luck," Dunn dropped his cigarette. "I better go back in. It's cold and I need more beer to warm me up."

"Don't let her stay out too late," Tim warned. "And if some idiot hits on her, let it play out. She's got a mean right hook, she'll slam him across the counter. Jason could give her a few pointers."

"Who?"

"Ellis, Jason Ellis. He's into wrestling. He came to Mardi Gras all those years back."

APRIL & PHIL

"Phil, can you get that phone?" April blinked. "What time is it? I can't believe it, if it's some little kid asking me where Bam lives... I swear. No, stay there. I'll get it."

"You don't need your dressing gown, Ape."

"I didn't pull the curtains downstairs," April rubbed her temple. "Oh, and we need to get these stairs fixed. I'm sure they've never recovered from when Bam rode a sled down here. Oh, yes, yes, just a minute - oh, my back hurts - hello? Who is this?"

"The mattress seems better," Phil got up. "Oh, I hope it's not Bam. Ape! Who is it? I dunno what she means, the stairs are just fine... Ape? Ape, what's the matter?"

BAM & PHIL

"Yo, it's my mom," Bam grinned. "Shove off, it's probably early morning over there. Yo, what's up?"

"Bam," Phil cleared his throat. "Where are ya?"

"Some dingy bar in Arizona," Bam waved. "What are you doing up?"

"Can you, uh, sit down," Phil paused. "Yeah, I'll wait."

"What's all this about, Phil?"

"Uh, I dunno how to say this," Phil breathed. "Your mother's - well, she can't talk right now."

"Just get it over with," Bam rolled his eyes. "Wait. Is it Pop-Pop? Is that why you're callin'?"

"No, uh. Just gimme a moment. I gotta - I gotta blow my nose."

"Phil!"

"Sorry. Yeah, uh."

"It is Pop-Pop?"

"No. Well, you see, I gotta call from the police."

"Did someone break into the castle?"

"They rang and told your mother - is that right, Ape? - they told her, there was a crash involving Dunn's Porsche. The other driver barely made it. Bam?"

"And Dunn?"

"Hold up, Bam - "

"Dunn?"

"He's lookin' like he'll need a neck brace. The air bags, they uh, worked. In his case."

"Well, that's good," Bam breathed. "Jesus fuck, Phil. A neck brace! Well thank fuck - "

"They had a guy in the back seat, he's pretty bruised up too, but he'll be alright."

"Well, good for him," Bam sniffed. "Fuck, I'll have to call Dunn. What hospital's he at?"

"Bam, Dunn was in the front passenger."

"Yeah. So what?"

"Turns out he was comin' from a bar, he and the other guy had been drinkin'. He wanted to drive but - but he didn't. Bam, Jessie was at that bar. She offered to be the sober driver."

"She's alright, though?" Bam paused. "Phil. You - you just said Dunn had airbags."

"He did," Phil inhaled. "And they should've worked for her. But they uh - your mum - I'll hand you over."