Whatever The F He Wants

Jackass 3D

APRIL & JESS

"I'm just tellin' ya, I wouldn't be paid any amount of money to be in that porta potty," April shivered. "Seeing it in person was enough. Seeing it on the screen just reminded me of what Steve-O will put himself through."

"You know, I think they shot one - or made it look like - where Jessica Simpson went in there, or Britney Spears, or some shit."

"Language, Jess! Now you must tell me. Is Kelly interested in openin' a store with me? I'm thinking of asking your grandma, now that grandpa's gone. She'll need something to do. Bam told me she should just sit in her rocker chair and sew. He'd consign us all to the nunnery if he could!"

"Not likely," Jess chuckled. "Him and Missy are still goin' strong."

"Ah, well - you've not been there to see - let's not talk about that," April glanced. "There's Bam. We'll meet you there! Well, I can tell you, I didn't go to the after party for the second movie, I'm not goin' to the third. Is Phil still in the bathroom? Well, if he overhears, it's fine with me."

"You seem anxious, Mom."

"I've been anxious since the day I had three children," April sighed. "I'm sure I've forgotten something. We fly out tomorrow and it doesn't hurt to do a little shopping. But it's finding it all that's the matter. You know, I think Jessie's got some of my bags. Not that she'd wear anything I brought! You wouldn't think that dress she wore tonight was from an op shop, would you? No, not to the premiere. What she changed into after. I think she's gone to run a bath."

"Mom, I know it's got you shaken up," Jess stared. "I don't wanna be hard on you. But Bam's got his own life and he's still stressing you out."

"Jess, you have kids. Once they grow up, you'll know exactly how I feel," April breathed. "At their age, all you're concerned with is making sure they don't fall out of the cot and they don't lick their fingers and put them in sockets. Trust me. Once they're teenagers, you'll wish all they did all day was roll around on the carpet watching Teletubbies."

"That brings me back," Jess chuckled. "Those were the days. Only school work and gettin' a swirlie for bein' a freshman."

"I hope you weren't pranked much," April smiled.

"Not by the other kids so much," Jess shrugged. "Mainly by Bam. And nothing personal on his part, but I'm grown up now. I hope Bam can learn to do the same. It happens to everyone, right?"

"You'd think so, but look at Don Vito. Sometimes God lets the chips fall where they may."

BAM & MISSY

"Do you really need another drink - no, that wasn't me starting," Missy inhaled. "Go over and see Ehren, he's been looking your way since you arrived."

"He's a jerkass," Bam belched. "It's an after party, Miss! The last people I need to talk to are the cast. I've been filming with them for what's felt like a decade. Speaking of people looking your way... "

"I'm sure it's only because I'm with you," Missy checked her purse. "I'll go out for a smoke. Watch my handbag for me?"

"Just take it with ya," Bam frowned. "Is that Hawk I see over there? Yo, Tony!"

PHIL & GLOMB

"Hey, Phil," Glomb lifted a hand. "I saw your van in the parking lot. You back already?"

"You heard, then?" Phil stopped in the aisle. "Sorry, I'm just after a bunch o' nails. Gotta do some improvements on the house."

"Yeah, who could miss it?" Glomb grinned. "The premiere's been big news. I wanna catch it when it's out on DVD."

"You still hear from Bam, then?"

"Haven't seen him since the wedding, bein' honest," Glomb scratched his neck. "I'm lookin' for some paint. Gotta fix up my roof. I'm not buildin' ramps for Bam anymore, I've been going from town to town lookin' for work. It's not easy."

"I heard something funny, Glomb. I'll not say it's the truth, but... "

"It's bullshit," Glomb frowned. "I know what you're talkin' about. I didn't steal no equipment from the production company. They owed me money. Shit's getting sorted."