Whatever The F He Wants

The Unholy Union

APRIL & PHIL

"Can you believe it," April screwed up her nose. "You'd think there'd be a decent toilet at the castle, but no. And where did Bam put all of ours?"

"Who knows," Phil heaved. "A toilet's a toilet, Ape."

"You've been spending too much time around Vito," April clucked her tongue.

"He's my brother, Ape."

"Well, in any case," April sniffed. "You see what he's got on the ramp outside? Careful Phil, I've just brewed a fresh pot, unless you'd like some?"

"What is it? He looks like he's peeing," Phil peered.

"It's one of those, well from the men's room," April shook her head. "How do you install a urinal on a ramp, I ask you?"

"Glomb's probably involved," Phil shrugged. "You see him round?"

"Looking for things to build, or destroy," April took a sip. "Ah, that's better. You know, between you and me, and I know she's busy - "

"Course she's busy, Ape. She's plannin' a wedding."

"I hope this place starts to look tidier," April patted her bob. "Novak and the other guy - what's his name? - Brandywine Eel, who I've heard, asked his girlfriend to move in. What sort of a cattle ranch is he running?"

"I agree," Phil nodded. "He can't invite every fair weather friend who hops along. Stuff will get stolen."

"At least Missy being here makes the place look respectable," April pinched her neck. "Without her, it's a bunch of frat boys with the largest club in Westchester."

"Is Jessie here?" Phil glanced up. "Tim's out on the ramp, you know."

"Oh, is he?" April joined beside him. "I'll call her down. She's probably getting ready for when we drive to the hotel. Have you seen the ballroom? Marian and I took a quick visit when we were in New York and it's quite fancy... oh what's that ruckus?"

BAM & NOVAK

"Dude, they got any more painkillers?" Novak winced.

"Sit back," Bam urged. "Look at you. Not a care in the world."

"If they give me more I'll be coastin, brother," Novak grinned. "They've gotta have a key around here somewhere."

"You think if I find one, I'll share 'em with you?" Bam raised his eyebrows. "You know you can't be my best man."

"I did your stupid stunts," Novak coloured.

"Jess has to be my best man," Bam shook his head. "Relax. You're putting too much pressure on it."

"It itches, man. My leg itches," Novak yawned. "Get one of those hot nurses in here. You know how long it's been since I've banged a chick?"

"Less than forty eight hours," Bam chuckled.

APRIL & MARIAN

"Look at them," April shook her head. Oh, I'm not sitting on my camera, am I? Not that I can take pictures with all these cameramen about."

"I have some tissues," Marian fumbled. "Excuse me. I see the way he looks at her... "

"And quite a turnout," April glanced over her shoulder. "I suppose I should have expected the reverend to wear jeans. It is Bam, after all."

"The music's starting," Marian whispered. "We'd better stand. You don't mind if I hold onto you for comfort?"

"Oh, not at all," April chuckled. "Oh, here they come. Blink and smile. I'll need those tissues later, Marian. I'm fine, really."

DAVE ENGLAND & TIM O'CONNOR

"Free bar, eh?" Dave lifted a hand. "Champagne, anything cuts it these days. Cheers."

"Man, I'm hungry," Tim yawned. "Long ass drive in this traffic. Spose it was longer for you?"

"You bet," Dave shook his head. "Look at all these people. I'm glad cocktail hour lasts for only that."

"Bam's in his element," Tim lifted a finger from his bottle.

"You're dating his sister, right?" Dave craned his neck. "She's one of the bridesmaids?"

"She came in on Hanna's arm," Tim chuckled. "He's never looked redder. They went to prom together, I think."

"You know, not to ruin the mood," Dave hesitated. "But take my advice. Don't get married. It's a shitshow."

"What?"

"It is," Dave sniffed. "You're fightin' all the time, you're sleeping on the couch and once the baby comes, your wife'll be laid up. There's no sex. It's like walking on eggshells for the better part of the year, and that's not including waking up at two in the morning if it's your turn to feed."

"Man, you make it sound a headache," Tim chuckled. "I dunno, I've gotta have one one day. A mini-Tim. Perhaps I'll call him that. You've given me a good idea, buddy. Welp, there go the crowd. Let's find our table and dig in before Vito grabs the leftovers."

"Can you believe he was invited?" Dave whispered.