Whatever The F He Wants

Bam's World Domination

APRIL & MISSY

"Oh, Phil, can you let her in? I'm just on the phone to Jessie," April waved. "I won't be one moment! Yes, I've got Missy at the door. Phil, can you boil the jug? Jessie, from the sounds of it you sound happy. Don't try and pull my leg! I can tell it in your voice. And while he's in England you can do some spring cleaning... chuck that lazy boy out for one. I've got to go. You too!"

"Sorry, Ape," Missy dropped her handbag. "Here's your tea. Phil's bringing mine in."

"I'll make some room on the sofa," April plumped cushions. "Tell me, it's been a while, hasn't it? And what with Bam going away for this show... "

"That's the thing," Missy paused. "Thanks, Phil. Ah, that's much better."

"I got it at a farmer's market," April nodded. "No, the honey, dear. I went round to the castle the other day but Brandywine Eel wouldn't meet my eye. I couldn't tell you what Novak was getting up to, but he kept opening and closing his bedroom door."

"I've told only mom, and Jessica - my sister, that is - but things between me and Bam have hit a rocky patch. I'll not go into details, and I know I should confide in you, but I think it's best that we live apart."

"You've moved out? Or you're going to move out?"

"I'm staying with my grandma in Florida for a bit, then I'll be renting somewhere. I'll be staying in Pennsylvania, but not in Westchester. She's not got long, so I want to spend some time with her."

"Of course," April's hands shook. "I'm sorry. It's just, I didn't think Bam would make the same mistake twice."

"Neither did I," Missy shrugged. "You see this trinity ring he gave me? Sometimes it reminds me there's three people in our relationship."

"Is he seeing someone?"

"Maybe. I don't know," Missy looked away. "I don't want to know. But him and Novak are always spending time together. At least on this trip he's only got Dunn and Tim."

"Novak's bad news," April sighed. "He's dragging him down."

"But it's not just Novak," Missy stared. "It's this whole thing Bam has. He acts like the world revolves around him. You know, when I went to the premiere, I chatted with Ehren's girlfriend. She's a nice girl, used to work for one of the talent agents. She told me some horror stories about her having to do her boss' kids homework, or keep his affairs secret. The point is, she had to put up with all that. And I realised, Bam's behavior isn't his alone. There's tons of men who think the world revolve around them, and treat others like dirt."

"It's a difficult world... " April sipped her tea. "But you know, he is my son."

Missy froze. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't go on. But I hope you can understand the depths of my pain by my opening up like this to you."

"It's good you have your family," April glanced up. "But Bam will always be my little boy. Despite that, I will always help you where I can."

"I think I'd better go," Missy slung her handbag. "You know I work at my friend's sign store downtown. I think I'm about to ask for longer hours, and better pay."

"But you're a model now, right?" April called. "It isn't forward of me to ask that? You've got offers?"

"I do for now," Missy shrugged. "Until I pull the plug... "

"Things aren't as bad as that, dear," April raised her eyebrows. "You'll have plenty of support, and you'll make your way through. If she can, then you can, too."

DUNN & TIM O'CONNOR

"How was the swim?" Dunn grinned. "Hey, look at you in your little towel. Bam gone walkabouts?"

"Little swim doesn't cut it," Tim's teeth chattered. "You seen the mud pit? Felt like I was drownin'. Can't feel my balls."

"Well I'm not offerin' to find them," Dunn raised his eyebrows. "You got a lighter? Figure you can trek back into those fire pits?"

"Fuck off," Tim shivered. "You quit at the sound of the starter pistol."

"And with good reason," Dunn chuckled. "Look at you! Come this way, they've got hot chocolate and we can order us a hotel suite."

"You, maybe. I'm figuring on living in a bath."

"Not with any pills, I hope? You'll sink to the bottom. Ah, there's a cameraman. Hey, do you have a lighter? Thanks," Dunn took a drag. "It's kinda chilly over the pond, isn't it?"

"That's as much exercise as I'm ever doin'," Tim took a mug. "God, I wanna bathe in this stuff. I'll order a vat and pour it in the tub."

"What if the ensuite's only got a shower?"

"Then I'm filling the drain with gutter babies," Tim grinned. "You shoulda seen Jessie's face when I took her to meet the ones in the bathroom back home. Hey, it was their anniversary!"

"It's your grave your diggin'," Dunn shook his head. "How'd she react?"

"I got the task of cleanin' it for as long we're together," Tim paused. "Man, I'm whacked. You know, call me crazy - "

"I always have and I always will, Tim."

"That's got me thinkin," Tim turned. "I reckon it's time. I've gotta bring her over the back of my horse and ride home."

"You'll get no argument from Phil or Ape," Dunn smirked. "But what about Bam?"

BAM & DUNN

"You're sayin' she has a boyfriend?" Dunn glanced over. "Why'd you have to ask the flight attendant to move our seats? I was sittin' next to this chick with huge tits."

"Yeah, she offered me to join the mile high club," Bam smirked. "Champagne, please. Nothin' for this dickwad here. What Missy does is her own concern."

"You know it, or you think it?"

"She probably doesn't," Bam shrugged. "But she knows I've got a piece or two on the side. She wants to go to her mom's, or some bullshit. It's Jenn all over again."

"Except you hope she doesn't destroy your stuff," Dunn raised his eyebrows. "You know, bein' honest. You treated Jenn worse than you did Missy. But you're married, Bam."

"Things can change," Bam frowned. "Don't give me that face. Don't pretend you're disappointed. She knew the deal. I'm famous, aren't I?"

"Jenn was with you before all that. So was I, and Raab and Dico... "

"Screw them. You know what went down with them. I even once thought Jenn and Raab had something goin' on... not that she needed any more reason for a kick to the curb."

"Bam - "

"I don't wanna talk anymore. Hand me my earphones," Bam adjusted his seat. "There's the flight attendant. Bring on the booze."

"Rehab didn't help you a bit, did it?"

"Ah, that's the spot. Nope, not a bit. You've gotta live, Dunn. There's only one life. And if I go out in flames, it'll be with a bang and fireworks and a fart."

"You disgust me," Dunn looked out the window.