What's your Poison? - h.s

28.

But do you think that you could forgive me?
I know I made too many mistakes
Do you think that you could forgive me?
All the times that I made you break

I woke up to an empty bed. With no sign of anyone else in the apartment. It's as though I can still feel him on my skin though. I sit up, looking around to make sure. But I'm right, he's gone already. I throw the covers off and grab the robe that I slipped off just before getting into bed last night. I throwed on an oversized t-shirt before going to bed, Harry said I was teasing him too much just being in my underwear.

I remember falling off to sleep quite quickly, with his arms wrapped around me and his legs tucked in tightly behind mine. It felt comfortable, and right.

But I couldn't stop the voices in my head telling me this is too much, too soon. I'm not ready for a relationship quite yet. I'm not even sure that I want to fall in love ever again, not after Sam. After Harry spoke of us last night, it scared me a little. I couldn't send him away, I still wanted him close, especially last night. I couldn't help but want to push him away to save myself from the pain when it inevitably ends.

I thought he would have stayed the whole night. Maybe he couldn't get to sleep as easy as I could. I'm not surprised I didn't wake up to him leaving, the adrenaline in my body had disappeared and I was left exhausted.

I can still smell him. My apartment has his cologne lingering in the air, on the bed sheets, on my skin. I can still taste him on my lips. I need fresh air. I can feel myself becoming claustrophobic again.

I throw on some trackies and tank top, along with a fleecy jacket. Grabbing my pre-rolled joint from my stash, I head out. I can't go to the roof, it still feels too close to my apartment. I need to escape properly. Prospect park.

Whilst all the business men and women walk past me, busy on their phones, I head to my usual spot at the lake. As I head closer, I see a figure sitting there already. I smile to myself as I notice the brown curly hair and broad shoulders.

"You know," I say as I sit myself down next to him, "if you wanted a one night stand, you probably should have gone for someone who doesn't work for you." I joke as he stares out into the water, seemingly unfazed by my presence. "Or am I unemployed now." He finally smiles at my joke. I pull out my joint, bringing it to my lips and proceeding to light it. As we sit in silence, I offer it to Harry and he accepts.

"Ah, purple haze. A classic." He says as he takes a toke. "Who's your dealer? Matt?" He asks as he passes is back, still staring out at the water as it glistens in the afternoon sun.

"Yeah but...how did you know that?" I ask furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.

"Who do you think supplies it?" He says with a smirk and raised brows. Of course he supplies my weed. Biggest drug dealer in Brooklyn, remember.

"So, what you doing out here Harry?" I ask before taking in a breath of my joint, changing the mood. He must have known this is my usual spot, and it doesn't surprise me.

"I'm not sure. I woke up and just didn't feel right sitting there whilst you slept. I kind of hoped you'd come here once you woke up." He explains, looking back down to his feet swinging over the water. I didn't want to tell him I left my apartment because all I could smell was him, and I didn't want to think about him. "I really don't know what I'm doing here, Petal. This is all new to me." His voice goes hoarse as he holds the smoke in as he speaks.

"You've been here before, Harry, you ran into-"

"I mean with you!" He interrupts, snapping his head round to me, making me jump slightly. I stare at him, trying to understand the angry look on his face.

"Why does this have to be anything more than it is right now?" I state, confused as to why he needs to make this complicated. "And you think I understand what's going on?" I shout back, "You, Harry Styles, are the most difficult man to understand." I snatch the joint out of his hand and take a rather large toke. Enough to make me almost cough, but I manage to hold it in.

"I'm not very good at feelings. Understanding them or even talking about them. But all I know is I don't want you getting hurt, and...and I like being around you?" He says the last words as if it were a painful question. I can't help but laugh slightly and shake my head in disbelief.

"You are unbelievable." I exclaim as I put the joint out on the ground next to me and stand up, starting to walk away before I hear Harry follow and grab my wrist, turning me back round to face him. "Why did you have to make this so difficult! You think I wanted for this to happen? Quite the opposite!" I shout, regardless of the bystanders who can hear.

"I don't get what the problem is!" Harry shouts in a hushed tone, trying to avoid the attention of others.

"I'm not ready for this, Harry. I can't do it again." I match my voice to his level.

"Do what?"

"This!" I shout over him, noticing people stare at me. I take a step back as I take a deep breath to compose myself. "Whatever this is, love or lust. Sorry. I'm assuming you would even know how to love someone."

"You're right. I don't. I don't even know if I'm capable." He looks down, adjusting the rings on his fingers.

"Fine then. That's that then." I say before turning on my heel and walking away. This time I don't hear him following. I don't hear the gravel move behind me or a word to catch my attention. I hear the usual silence, making things clearer. Harry doesn't know what he wants, and I guess neither do I.

I cross my arms to warm myself up as I walk towards the exit of the park. I feel as though I'm pushing Harry away when I really don't want to. I want him around me, but I don't want to get hurt again and he's definitely capable of doing that even if he's not capable of loving me. Since meeting him, it's been a rollercoaster of hating each and not being able to keep our hands off of one another. It's confusing to say the least.

I can't help but think I've made a mistake. I stop in my tracks, standing under the bridge in the park, unsure whether to turn back or just deal with the decision I've made. I have to go back to him. The feeling of safety he gives me is familiar. I haven't felt it in awhile and I'd be a fool to run away from that.

As I start to turn round, I feel hands on my shoulders turn me round instead. I'm instantly met by Harry towering above me, looking out of breath as if he has just ran after me.

"Harry, I-" I start to explain that I've made a mistake, but he interrupts me by crashing his lips onto mine. His hands are firmly on the side of shoulders, pulling me into him. I lift myself up onto my tiptoes to meet him easier and move my hands up to his cheeks. Our lips collide with one another with the same passion as they did the first time we kissed. Kissing as if no one is around.  He breaks away from me to catch his breath, but keeping close to me, resting his forehead on mine.

"I have no idea what I'm doing, but I want to learn, with you." He says between his heavy breaths. I look into his green eyes, and somehow I can tell that he means it just from one look. "Just give me a chance. Or a few" he chuckles. I can't help but smile at his vulnerability right now.

"I have no idea what I'm doing either, but I actually like it for once." I smile back, feeling his hot breath hit my face. My whole life I've had it planned by my parents, and I've just always planned to go against whatever they wanted. I'm happy to actually not have a clue what I'm doing right now and where this will go, if anywhere. All I know is that it feels right.

His smile reaches his eyes before he meets my lips again, moving his rounds round the back of my neck to push me closer into him.