What's your Poison? - h.s

38.

I've spent the last two days going between my bed, the roof and the park. All just for a change of scenery for where I smoke and get high. It's been the only thing that's managed to stop me crying and feeling sorry for myself. I've just been a walking zombie between then. But, tonight that's got to change. I've got to go back to work. A place I haven't been to or even thought of in awhile. I know I'm going to have to see Harry, but I can't afford to lose this job. My only other option is to go back to Ivy. But since Sam and Harry are now working together, I would still see him. It's inevitable.

If I just go to work as high as anything, I'll be too numb to feel anything. I feel numb without the weed at times, as my body knows I don't want to deal with everything that has happened so it doesn't let me. My phone has been off since I left Harry's, apart from having to call my dealer for more supplies. I think he could tell that something was wrong because he tried to ask me if I was ok, which he never does, not seriously. Either I look like shit or Harry told him everything since he does work for him.

I've been smoking all day and I still feel like a zombie. I have no energy and my weed isn't helping like it usually does. I need a new method, and whilst I was always against it, desperate times call for desperate measures. As I curl my hair, I hear my doorbell go for the front door downstairs, knowing it's just my dealer again I let him straight up.

I get to the door as soon as he's there, seeing the same worried look on his face as last time.

"Look...Daisy...I'm not sure this is a good idea." He says as soon as I open the door.

"You are my dealer, not my therapist." I roll my eyes at him, holding cash out to him. He sighs before reluctantly taking the money from me.

"Listen...Harry isn't gonna be happy with me that I sold you this, so can you please-" He says as he hold the bag out for me.

"Harry isn't going to know, nor will he care. Bye, Ben." I say before closing the door in his, wishing that conversation ended quicker.

I need energy and I need to be numb to the real word. Coke is all I could think of that would do the trick since weed has failed me. This is my second time doing it so I shouldn't crash like I did last time, at least not as quickly as I did. I'm also not drinking so it should be a lot better this time. Harry doesn't have any right to care about what I put in my body or what I do with it. I guess whilst a small part of me wishes maybe he did, I know that he won't. He hasn't even checked in on me, for all he knows I'm living in a trashed apartment, completely heartbroken.

I have 30 minutes until I need to leave for work. I grab the small bag from my kitchen counter, placing it on my coffee table, along with a rolled up dollar. I grab half of the bag, it's only a small amount because I told myself I would only do this for tonight. Enough for 2 lines and that's it. I create a line with my credit card on the table, putting the dollar to my nose, leaning down staring at the powder lined up in front of me.

I close my eyes, trying to forget about what I'm doing. Taking a deep breath before then moving the notes along the line, snorting it up through my nose feeling it burn as it goes up. I screw my eyes shut tightly as the sensation goes through my whole head. This has to work, just this once.

*

I'll be completely honest. I don't remember getting to work or the first 2 hours of the shift. But I've somehow ended up standing on the bar pouring shots into people's mouths whilst Joe gets them to tap their cards to pay. I don't think I've seen Harry yet, and even if I did I'm probably too high to recognise him. I can feel the effects wearing off slightly, I feel a bit more in-control now and actually more with it. I'm just feeling energetic now. As the bottle of vodka starts to empty out into a girl's mouth, I hold the empty bottle out to Joe who holds his hand out to me, helping me off of the bar.