Secret Door

Thirteen

After the effects of that initial incident had worn off of me, things between Alex and I began to progress. Since he and the monkeys, as well as I, were on break from touring, we had endless hours to spend together; something I was so thankful for. We began to develop a steady routine. Alex would usually come to my place sometime during the day and we would spend the time listening to records or watching movies until I would fix dinner for us. We would then enjoy evenings madly making out on the sofa until Alex let on that he was tired. I always agreed that I was too and we retired to bed where Al would sweetly tell me goodnight. He often turned his back to me and I left him alone like that, not wanting to push him. Sometimes, though, I pleaded that he cuddle up against me. He, oddly enough, always obliged without much hesitation. I never questioned it, only silently savored the feeling of his breath on my chest as he fell asleep.

I wanted to get on with it before Al started bringing alcohol into the situation, which he hardly did in the beginning. I was pleasantly surprised at him; always wondering if he had caught on to the fact that his tendencies were starting to cause problems within our relationship. At least I always assumed it was a proper relationship. I loved the thought of Alex being my right "boyfriend," or "partner," or even "lover. Though we never talked about titles, of his drinking, or much of anything really. He just kissed me. He just fucking kissed me, starting angry and rough, but slowly backing off until my knees were shaky. It didn't matter if we were lying down, which we typically were, my legs would still go weak when he kissed me. Entangled on my couch, him on top, and the two of us sweating and gasping desperately until I knew Alex was hard or at least almost. That's how we always ended up. But he always stopped. I wanted him to go further every time, but I never said anything. I knew of his insecurities and how they might be what was getting in the way. 

One day I asked him about it. While we were a mess on the sofa, Alex coming undone more that usual this time. He pulled at my shirt, bringing me closer, his hair falling in his eyes. He gasped softly, pulling away after a moment. He still gripped to me as he pushed his hair away sloppily. I stopped him before he went in again.

"Why don't you just take it off?" I asked.

"Hmm?" he breathed out in his low and warm voice. His cheeks were flushed pink still and I gently touched his face.

"My shirt. Just take it off this time." 

He was silent for a moment, pulling away to lean up against the sofa.

"Fine. I'll do it then," I decided, trying to test him in any way I could. I reached for my buttons.

"No, I want to," he immediately started. I smirked. Of course. 

After my shirt was off, I reached for his. I looked at him once we were both shirtless, but he still stayed up against the sofa.

"Well, where were we?" I prompted, searching him for the insecurity holding him back.

"Don't know, Mi. I'm kinda tired now to be real honest..." he trailed off.

"Don't give me that. You were just all over me-"

He started to say something, but I cut him off.

"No. Now honestly, Al...babe...why do you always say that when I know it's not true? Why do you always stop?" I spoke as gentle as I could, touching his hand to play with his fingers absentmindedly. 

He didn't say anything for a moment, just looked at me like he couldn't find the answer. He pulled his hand from me.

"What? Is it sex you really want Miles. I mean just tell me, then." He sounded caustic and defensive, his arms crossed almost protectively around himself. I sat up and brought him to sit in my lap.

"Not at all. Not if you're not ready. It just always seems like you are and then you stop. Is there...something you're afraid of?" I tried to approach the subject tenderly.

He didn't speak, always choosing his words, as I ran my fingers through his hair to calm him. 

"You don't have to tell me right now. It's okay-" I offered when he hadn't said anything yet, but he cut me off quietly.

"Never done it with a bloke is all..." he mumbled, not looking at me. 

I smiled to myself, burying my face in his hair and holding him closer to my chest.

"It's fine. Just tell me when you're ready to. I just wanted to know that I was doing enough for you." I promised.

We sat in silence for a while, me just rubbing his back and cradling him against me. 

"Tomorrow night," he blurted, still looking out the window across from us instead of at me.

My heart pounded. "You sure?" I asked.

"Mmm," he nodded wordlessly, finally turning to smile up at me.  I beamed right back before kissing him, feeling happier than ever.