Secret Door

One

Miles

I hated Alex, I really fucking did. I hated how he sauntered around the room, slinging alcohol on the floor and slurring dried out compliments to barely average girls. This party was honestly horrific in every way and it was even more fucking embarrassing being here with Alex acting like a complete and total moron. 

I sat on the edge of the sofa, smoking a cigarette casually and trying to drown out the incessant noise. I couldn't believe I always let Alex drag me places I knew I would never go on my own in a million years. I scolded myself constantly for my nagging need to always spend time with him even in shitholes like this one. I guess I secretly found something endearing in watching Alex try to impress girls with his sloppy dance moves to some god awful rap tune every night. 

My mind lingered like the swirling smoke of my cigarette and I found myself recalling the first time I realized how I truly felt about Alex. God, it must have been 5 or more years ago, and I still hadn't straightly told him. I was so petrified of losing him over this stupid little crush.

But, god, it wasn't just a stupid little crush. He may have been a stupid little man, but my heart pounded every time I heard him say my name and smile. 

I rubbed my forehead in stress, trying to erase the delusional thoughts from my mind. Lately I could not stop thinking about him no matter how hard I tried. It was slowly turning me bitter and cold, especially towards Alex. I turned around to watch him attempting to dance and I let myself smile fondly. His pathetic dancing was unbearable to watch for many reasons, but all I could focus on was how his shirt was unbuttoned halfway and his hair was flopping down in his face, his glossy eyes shielded from my longing gaze. 

I fucking wanted him and it was bordering on ridiculous. 

"C'mon, Al, we're going home," I sternly stated, getting up from my seat and tugging on his arm to get him away from the pack of people.

"No way, mate! Tha party's jus' started!" Al slurred his words into each other so badly I couldn't help but crack a smile.

"Shut up, you're fucking pissed, now let's go."

Alex whined softly in the back of his throat, pleading with me for a second, but I wasn't going to be dragged into his eyes again like I always was. It was so impossible for me to concentrate when he looked at me though, and I felt my throat close up. 

"No, we're leaving," I managed to choke out, turning towards the door as I pulled him so he wouldn't see how strained the expression on my face was. 

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In the car Alex was being so needy I wanted to vomit. He kept changing the radio stations, and fidgeting in his seat until I would almost yell at him to stop. I wasn't so much aggravated with him anymore as I was aggravated with how adorable this was to me and how it was breaking my heart. I needed to take a cold shower to clear my head of all this. 

Alex suddenly stopped flipping stations and sat back in his chair. He grabbed my arm and I almost swerved off the road.

"Jesus, mate, what is it?" I complained, quietly relishing in the fact that his fingers were still digging into my arm like he never wanted to let go.

"This fucking song, mate, I swear I fink of you every time I 'ear it...." Alex mumbled, turning it up louder as his slurred words grew softer. 

I recognized it almost immediately. Sugar Kane by Sonic Youth.

"Oh, jesus...." I mumbled.

But that's when Alex started singing along quietly.

"You're perfect in the way, a perfect end today. 

You're burning out their lights, and burning in their eyes.

I love you Sugar Kane, a-comin from the rain.

Oh kiss me like a frog, and turn me into flame.

I love you all the time, I need you 8 to 9.

And I can stay all night, your body shining..."

"That's you, innit? Sugar Kane! Hahaha..." Alex laughed, letting go of my arm now and muttering the words to himself as I drifted away from reality.

Al was so fucking out of it he probably didn't even know what he was saying, but my heart was swelling as he continued to sing. I had never really paid attention to the lyrics before, I just knew my mum had sometimes called me Sugar Kane because of this song, and I figured it was just nonsense anyway like most Sonic Youth songs. When Al sang it though the words were floating around us in a hazy cloud of drunken affection and I never wanted it to end. 

So I laughed along with Alex as he now blurted out the words accompanied with his famously ridiculous facial expressions. 

He looked so other-worldly with his sweaty hair falling all across his face and his soft brown eyes glazed over with the heat of the evening. The music seemed to travel like a breeze through him and his silky whisper singing to me was enough to make me feel like I wasn't even on this plane of reality anymore. Alex sang with his eyes closed, tossing his arms around, trying to dance in his seat. He looked just like an angel and I didn't know if I could believe this moment was real.

"I love you, Sugar Kane, I love you Sugar Kane....."