Secret Door

Two

In the harsh light of the morning, Alex looked pristine.

I had laid him down gently in my bed last night, wishing more than anything that I could have accompanied him there, and watched his drunken smile droop into a blissful face of sleep. I slept on the couch, and all night my mind fought with itself.

Did Alex really think about me when he heard Sugar Kane? I mean, it would make sense just because of my name but the lyrics...the lyrics suggested something more that excited me too much. I tried to make myself forget, to tell myself he was too drunk to even recognize the words, but I always came back to asking if he had actually been so drunk he let his guard down. I asked myself if possibly, he had been so out of it, that his real feelings had pushed themselves up from his stomach and out of his beautiful mouth. 

I let myself imagine for a flicker of a moment, Alex on his own in his room, playing that Sonic Youth record and getting quiet when that song came on. I pictured the cigarette that would've no doubt been between his delicate fingers, resting at the edge of his lips as he let the song carry him away.

My heart felt warm, but guilt crept over me when I remembered Alex was asleep in my bed as I was praying silently he thought of me as much as I thought of him.

----------

Al woke up slowly, and shuffled into the kitchen at around 12:30. I smiled at him, trying not to be too obvious, and handed him coffee.

"How are ya, mate?" I asked, laughing softly.

Alex rolled his eyes at me and took a drink.

"Bloody fuckin' terrible...," he mumbled, his voice deeper and rougher than usual. 

I gulped, hiding my face inside my coffee cup to keep myself occupied. I wondered if I should tell him.

He sat down on the stool behind the counter I was leaning against, and my eyes tried not to wander over where the buttons of his wine-colored shirt had popped open in the night so that he was now almost shirtless. I didn't want to linger too long on how messy his hair looked and how pretty his mouth was. I turned around to the cabinet behind me to make myself busy.

"Anything to eat?" I asked.

"I don't really care..." he said quietly. "Whatever you want I'll 'ave.."

I worked swiftly, making pancakes for us and trying my best at sufficient small talk. Alex seemed heavy and quiet though. I didn't want to get my hopes up for what could've been on his mind. 

After I had given Al a plate with two pancakes, and made up one for myself, I sat down next to him to eat. It was silent at first, until he spoke up.

"Hey, Miles," he started.

I looked over. "Yeah?" 

My heart jumped into my throat for a split second as I sat on the edge of anticipation. Al's lips set parted inches from me and the possibility of him saying just what I wanted him to say was hanging in the air like static. 

"Just how drunk was I last night?" Al's face brightened into a smile, and his stupid lopsided grin turned toward me. 

I tried not to show my disappointment, and instead smiled at him. He didn't remember anything and I told him about how he danced on those girls at the party and how he whined at me not to make him leave. I told him how he passed out in the car and I had to carry him into my bed. Alex grinned as I spoke, and I almost told him about the radio and singing Sugar Kane, but I wanted to wait for him to bring it up himself. 

"Oh, Jesus..." Alex laughed, taking another drink of coffee. He tapped his fingers against the counter like he was waiting to say something else. The silence felt so loud, like ringing in my ears. I wanted to tell him. I needed to and I knew it. This had been torturing me for so long and it felt sickening at times, trying to hold it in. 

I almost opened my mouth. I almost puked it out all over myself under the spell of my too-strong emotions when he looked so perfect sitting next to me with his sleepy face. 

"I'm gonna shower," he said, getting up to clean off his plate and walk to the bathroom. 

I sighed into my hands, and listened for the shower to come on. I didn't know why I had this sudden urgency to tell him everything. I had spent five years already suppressing my feelings, trying to subtly drop hints that seemed to go way over his head, surely I could keep it to myself longer?

I didn't know what it was, but lately I just wanted to touch him more than ever before. Maybe I was getting more lonely as time dragged by and he seemed to drift further away from me. 

I sat in silence for a while, trying to arrange my thoughts in a pattern that actually made sense, but before long I heard what sounded like Alex singing from the bathroom. 

I got up and walked over as quietly as I could, and sure enough I heard Alex's perfect voice. I slid down the wall next to the bathroom door, and tried to make out the lyrics. It was completely enough for me to just sit and listen to his soothing voice, but I was too curious. I closed my eyes to concentrate, and within a few seconds I recognized the song.

It was Sugar Kane.