Secret Door

Nine

Waking up in the morning with Alex's arms around me made my heart jump in the palm of his hand on my chest. I felt like I had been crying in my sleep, and my shirt was rumpled from where Alex had been clutching hard before he drifted off. I didn't want to turn around and look at him, but I couldn't help myself and he was beautiful. His hair fell ruffled in a messy state, flowing in front of his sleepy eyes. His lips were parted, but only slightly, as his steady breaths took ahold of all my senses slowly. His t-shirt had shifted in the night, and part of his stomach was visible, toned but still soft in a way I couldn't comprehend. I couldn't comprehend any of it. The lump in my throat increased in size.

I'm not sure what happened but somehow I found myself gently picking up his arms and curling up inside them, laying my head on his steady chest as I begged him not to wake up just in case he decided to leave. I pressed my nose into his shirt, letting the memories of his smell stick to my brain before he was gone again. 

-----------------

I guess I had fallen back asleep to the sound of his heart because silence awakened me an hour later. Despite having already known he was going to leave, I started sobbing into the mattress unapologetically loud. I was face down, my hands clutching the white sheets stained with his smell and warmth, letting my heart bleed create more of a mess. 

Sounds echoed on the wooden hallway floor and one was distorted to sound like him.

"Miles?" 

I swear I felt his soft hands in the grooves of my back, sitting me up and making my heart sting.

"Miles!"

I opened my eyes and he was staring right into them.

I blinked, tears dripping down my cheeks into his hands as they clutched me. I didn't say anything, just wrapped my arms around his neck and sat in silence.

Alex chuckled into my skin and rubbed my back. 

"Miss me?" 

"Fuck off I thought you left," I choked out into him. 

"Yeah, just to make you breakfast. Come in the kitchen, you drama queen," Alex laughed, holding my hand as we walked. 

That slight tenderness sent me spiraling into even more bewilderment balanced on euphoria. The kitchen smelled glorious though and Alex had the biggest smile on his face. I would crash and burn to death later. 

I sat down in front of a plate of waffles, eggs, and sausage and Alex handed me a hot cup of coffee, kissing my cheek as he sat down next to me.

"Am I dreaming..." I wondered aloud, looking at this new Alex who was completely sober yet so open and inviting. 

Alex laughed, leaning his head on my shoulder. I felt stiff under him, so I tried to just eat my breakfast quietly and let my thoughts swim.

Alex apparently didn't want that though because in the middle of my waffles he got up and walked to the record player in the living room. I heard The Velvet Underground start to play softly and I laughed to myself in an almost bitter tone. Alex came back into the kitchen almost floating towards me. He hummed along and wrapped his arms around me in my chair. 

"Dance with me, will you Mi?" His voice was a rough whisper in my ear that was impossible to ignore. I obeyed to the hypnotic sound of "Candy Says" in the background. 

Alex laid in the crook of my neck, holding me around my waist as we circled and swayed. His singing was warm on my chest, gentle murmurs as his eyes drooped and my masochism continued to drown me like his drifting hands.

"You know I'm a mess, right Miles?" he suddenly said, making the world slow down to almost a halt. 

"Why do you say that?" I whispered back distantly, looking over his head in a daze.

He seemed to ignore my question replying back in an even softer tone. "You deserve someone else." 

"I don't want anyone else," I admitted to myself and him in one breath.

Alex sighed, picking his head up from my chest. His expression was unreadable as he turned and sat down in my previous spot. He lit a cigarette and looked away from me. I took the pack from under his arm and lit one for myself too as I sat down next to him. Alex turned his head at my movement, laying it down on the counter and searching my eyes as I did the same to him.

I reached over after a few drags, and kissed his perfect lips as gently as I could. I just wanted a taste before he decided he was over me again, but the innocent move turned to more when Alex kissed back desperately. He was controlled but I could taste the longing and soon both of our cigarettes were smashed in the ashtray and our hands on each other's cheeks. 

Alex moved fast, pushing my back up against the counter and digging his nails into my bare skin under my shirt. "What Goes On" narrated the story he wrote on my body as we stood in lust and agony and pure loneliness, tangling ourselves in an even more complicated web. 

He moved to throw my shirt off and my breathing became ragged in his ear. Alex said nothing, only touched and grabbed at me like it was his prerogative. He kissed my neck and moved down my body, leaving traces all along my chest. Then there was his hand on me and I felt like I might choke. I hadn't even noticed his body slowly making its descent down my chest, but too quickly for me to think about he was tugging at my pants and then they were at my ankles.

I didn't even know my fingers were white from gripping the counter top until his mouth was where his hand had been and my knees were shaking where I stood. 

"Alex..." 

"Some kinds of love

Marguerita told Tom

like a dirty French novel

combines the absurd with the vulgar

and some kinds of love

the possibilities are endless

and for me to miss one

would seem to be groundless...."