Secret Door

Seven

Days lapsed in between Alex's texts, and I found myself less motivated and more tired with each step I took. 

After that crucial turning point in Alex's tour bus with his hands all over me and his heart beating in my ear, I had been anxious for the continuation of what I thought to be our new relationship, but I still found myself confused and angry with Alex. I remember it almost in a haze now, the moments after he had left my lap. 

The guys had come in, and we had all chatted and drank and hung out for not much longer than an hour, but during the entire affair Alex wouldn't so much as glance my way. I couldn't enjoy anything, and I felt removed from the scene. 

I had been relieved when the band excused themselves to bed and I was able to go back to my own bus. Too tired and bewildered from the events of the night, all I wanted was some sleep, but I was not more than 10 feet from the door when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It was Alex. 

"Hey :)"

I literally stopped in my tracks, looking all around me as if I felt prying eyes, watching to see how I would react to this ridiculousness. 

"Oh, so now you acknowledge me.." 

I felt bitter, and probably still frustrated sexually from Alex's antics earlier. 

"I'm sorry, really, but look I can't just let the guys know...you know what I mean"

I laughed coldly out loud at him. I continued walking, shaking my head in contempt, almost not texting him back. Fucking almost. 

"No I really don't,"

I didn't receive a message back until I was almost to my destination, and I admittedly felt a pang of disappointment at the prospect of his falling asleep or even becoming pissed at me for my biting answers back to him. 

"Look I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you miles...I'll come over there right now. It will just be you and me."

My chest tightened at the idea. I was a pool of emotions in that moment, but wasn't this all I had ever wanted? My stubborn self decided to lead him on and my reply was short. 

"Fine." I typed, opening the door to the bus a little too enthusiastically. 

I poured drinks for the both of us out of habit, and waited on the sofa. It was only a few minutes before I heard a knock on the door, and I called to him to come in.

Alex looked so shy, standing in the doorway, his back against the closed door and his hands behind him. He looked around the bus nervously as I watched him, my legs spread apart and my drink swaying between my fingertips. I patted the spot next to me, and he sat down timidly, still too afraid to look me in the eyes. He was too vulnerable, with the realization of what he had done earlier in the evening swirling back into his mind and clouding his thoughts. 

I handed him his drink, and he all but tore it away from my hands and downed it. 

"Jesus, Al..."

"I'm nervous, Miles, fuck off."

I stopped, and looked at him next to me. He was hunched over, his elbows on his knees and tapping his foot as he sipped his drink.

"Why are you nervous?" I asked softy, twisting a piece of his hair around my finger. 

He didn't say anything for a few moments, just stared ahead as I continued to play with his hair. 

Time without his explanation seemed to drag on for hours before too quickly, he turned his head and pressed his lips against mine for the third time that night. His spontaneous decisions were enough to drive me mad.

We didn't do much talking after that, which I was surprisingly fine with. Maybe I was pretending to be happy just to have Alex in my arms, or maybe I was too tired and removed to even realize what I was getting myself into. 

Alex's big brown eyes were glistening when he pulled away from the kiss. He looked more curious than anything, and I felt my hand wrap itself around his tiny waist, pulling him into my side. His head lay on my chest and I let him sort out his thoughts. He stayed still for a while, but slowly turned up to look at me. He smiled bashfully before kissing me again, this time sweeter and more controlled. I picked his hand up and interlocked our fingers as I closed my eyes to the sensation. 

I wasn't even in the mood to complain anymore when I felt Alex's body against me. I didn't need any explanations from him as long as he kept kissing me like that. 

He moved to sit up on my lap, kissing my cheek and burying his face into my shoulder. I still kept my hand at his waist, concentrating on the shape of his body as well as I could. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and I wondered if maybe we was going to cry. I stroked his hair, tracing his jawline with kisses as his eyelids fluttered

"Do you want to go to sleep?" I asked him, so scared of breaking our peaceful silence. 

Alex whispered a low "yes" in my ear before letting his head droop back down on my shoulder. I smiled, picking him up and carrying him to sit at the table opposite the sofa. He laid his head on his hand, watching me silently as I pulled the sofa out into a bed and retrieved blankets from the cabinet towards the back of the bus. 

I made the bed and picked Alex back up, his arms dangling from around my neck as I laid him down amongst the pillows and blankets. His outstretched figure looked so graceful and soft and the longing in my chest was enough to make me sick. 

I climbed in next to him and immediately Alex nuzzled against my chest, looking up at me for one brief moment with a smile dancing in his beautiful eyes. I wrapped my arms around him and thought about us from two weeks ago, in this exact position but in my big warm bed at my flat. I sighed contently, kissing Alex's hair.

I didn't even care what was happening or what was going to happen because the only thing I cared about was Alex's breathing steadying as he slowly fell asleep with my arms around him.

------

So that had been that. And I expected a call from him the next day as we both went our separate ways. I had gotten one, but he spoke of nothing that had happened between us, only asking me trivial questions about the quality of my day and the things I had been up to. 

His texts were only slightly more insightful, with his frequent one word answers. Nights when he was drunk were when I would get different messages.

"Oh my god,,,miles I miss you..."

"im very lonelyy and i cant stop thinking about you rlly miles i cannnntt" 

He couldn't text very well anyway but when he was drunk his fingers hit the screen for too long on some letters and it always made me smile until the bitter realization that he probably didn't remember sending these messages hit me. I always replied back, though. 

"I miss you too, al. we'll see each other soon."

"You're so sweet alex i miss you i wish i could hold you."

He never responded to those. 

I was starting to feel like I had turned round full circle with Alex and that I was back to the beginning, doomed to follow him at his heels until he finally paid me a scrap of attention.