Secret Door

Eighteen

Alex hadn't woke up yet. I had been up since 3:00, which was actually impressive for me. I sat on the sofa with coffee and the newspaper, completely sober, at least I thought, at this point. I couldn't really remember what being completely sober felt like. 

I heard the soft sound of footsteps from down the hall.

"Want me to fix you something?" I called.

"Nah, not hungry," he mumbled. I heard him opt for coffee and a cigarette instead.

"You sure?" I asked.

"Mmhm.." he muttered through the cigarette in his mouth. I heard him blow out smoke and sip coffee. "So what's on the evening's agenda?"

"Are you kidding?" I asked, bewildered. I turned around to look at him for the first time since he'd walked in. 

He raised his eyebrows at me. "No...?" he said, raising his voice into a question at the end. 

"You look like shit, Al," I tried to explain. 

"Gee. Thanks baby, you aren't exactly easy on the eyes either," he quipped back.

"Shut up," I grumbled. turning back to look at the paper.

"You mean you don't want to go out tonight?" he ignored my annoyed tone.

"Last night were a bit intense, yeah?"I answered.

"Yeah," Alex said, hard, now walking over to stand next to the sofa. "And I want to do it again, this time you on top."

I sipped my coffee and didn't look up. "Well I guess it won't be tonight then because I'm not going out."

"Fine. I'll call up Archie and them then. They're bound to be up to something." he said shortly. He had that edge to his voice, trying to make me jealous and I knew it. 

"Suit yourself," I said, thumbing the paper. 

"Fuck off with the bloody paper, will you Miles?!" Alex suddenly said loudly, making me jump as he smacked the paper from my hands. 

"Christ, Al...you really shouldn't go out, you're so on edge," I commented, leaning over to pick up the paper. 

"God, fuck off. That's exactly why I need to go out. Relieve the tension." He spoke curtly, taking a sip of coffee. 

"You and I both know that the only thing coke does is get you even more riled up and anxious. Lay off a bit really," I said as I got up and walked to the kitchen, throwing the newspaper on the counter. 

I could almost feel Alex rolling his eyes behind my back as I walked to the coffee maker. 

"I didn't even say I was gonna do coke," he retorted. 

"Whatever, just go out, I don't care," I said, looking at my mug as I stirred creamer in.

A few moments of heavy silence passed. 

"Why are you so persistent about this? What's the big fucking problem, anyway?!" he blurted. 

"I-I just think we need a break, okay! We go on and on and never stop! Don't you think we need to take a breath once in a while!" I didn't even realize we had been yelling until my last word. 

Alex stared at me hard, a mixture of something like disbelief and sadness. 

"Oh, so you think we need a break, eh?" "Maybe you need a break, but I'm doing perfectly fine." he said slowly, turning away from the kitchen and slamming the door of our bedroom. 

I stood still in the kitchen, realizing we had just had our first real fight. And it was about whether or not to go out and do hard drugs all night. I sighed into my hands and turned towards the hallway.

"At least eat something, will you?" I called. No answer.

I sat on the sofa for a few hours, watching telly and feeling agitated and anxious. I couldn't focus on any programs for longer than maybe five minutes. I kept debating whether or not to open a beer, but my sober mind was battling me, asking me how I had gotten to this point anyway, where I needed a beer before the start of every hour. I eventually fell asleep and slept from about 9:00 until 12:00, waking up just in time to hear Alex getting ready in the bathroom. My mind felt sick and lagging as I walked over to the doorframe and leaned against it. 

"Hey," I muttered. 

"Mmm," Alex muttered back, looking in the mirror and concentrating on styling his hair. 

"I'm sorry about yelling," I said softly after watching him and his hair for a while. 

"It's alright...I might have got a bit out of hand too." 

He finished with his hair and turned to look at me. I smoothed out the collar on his coat and he smiled sheepishly at the unnecessary gesture. 

I looked at him and pulled him into a hug. 

"You have fun tonight, and be safe, alright? For me." 

I felt him smile against my shoulder and pull me tighter to his chest.

"I will. I love you." 

I kissed his cheek. "I love you too."