Secret Door

Twenty

At around 7 AM, I heard Alex calling from our room. I hadn't slept all night, and since 5 I had been online doing some research pertaining to Alex. I almost couldn't bear to look at his leg, knowing it was my fault, knowing I had snapped at Archie in my own self-loathing, knowing Alex would be limping for days because of it. 

I sat still in front of my laptop for a few moments before sighing, and finally getting up to go back to Alex. I walked in and saw his small body curled up in the covers, his arm stretched out to the spot I usually occupied. I leaned against the doorframe.

"Where'd you go?" He mumbled. His voice was soft and sweet with sleep and I felt my heart ache.

"Couldn't sleep," I said, walking closer now to sit on the edge of the bed.

He looked up at me for a second. I looked straight ahead at the wall, but I could feel those eyes on me.

"Me leg hurts, fuckin' bloody hurts."

I smiled in the corner of my mouth, and glanced over at him. "Do you remember what happened?"

Alex smiled weakly. His eyes looked bleak and his skin looked grey. It was as if he hadn't eaten in weeks. Hell, maybe he hadn't. I didn't actually remember the last time the two of us had eaten together, so I had no proof.

"Come lay down," he said, patting my spot on the bed. 

I crawled over, and held his hand, playing with his fingers in mine as he talked.

"I remember some of it. I hardly remember falling, but I remember the pain. I don't know how I got in the tub, I can only picture you when you came in. You look kind of hazy, but I can recall your voice. I remember being so panicked. I literally thought I was going to die. I was definitely still tripping at that point because I started imagining all these different scenarios of death...all so much more outlandish than this one. Then I thought about my funeral, and me mum crying, and I..." Alex trailed off, and I looked up at him. His face was contorted in a troubled expression, a mixture of too many emotions being relived simultaneously. 

"You don't have to tell me any more," I said quietly. 

"I remember you yelling before I passed out," he continued. I closed my eyes. 

"I think I had a panic attack, and since I was already so fucked up, I think my body couldn't handle it."

"I'm sorry," I said softly. Guilt was eating me from the inside out. 

"It's okay. It were an intense situation and everyone's emotions were flaring up...but it's all over now. We can move past it." He kissed my forehead softly and squeezed my hand.

I didn't say anything for a minute, I just looked at his hands in mine. I sighed. "Do you want your pain meds now?"

"Yes, please!" he exclaimed, kissing my forehead quickly again before throwing his legs over the side of the bed. "Shit...so bloody sore."

"Yeah..it will likely be that way for a few days.." I said quietly. He seemed to be in such good spirits and I felt my stomach twisting into a knot. 

I helped him walk into the kitchen and sit down at the bar. I fixed him some tea, and handed him a glass of water with his pills. 

"What do you want to eat?" I asked, looking in the fridge. "And don't tell me you don't want anything because I know for a fact that you haven't eaten in at least 8 hours."

Alex laughed, sipping his tea. "If you're so concerned, why don't you just pick for me."

I smiled, taking some eggs out of the fridge. I set out to make him an omelette and toast. After starting on the egg, I ventured over to where my record player set, and put on Blur's self-titled LP.