Secret Door

Three

I didn't tell Alex about hearing him singing in the shower. It probably didn't even mean anything, no matter how much I really wanted it to.

Sitting in the living room, I saw Alex pass into my bedroom in just a towel wrapped around his waist and I felt my heart pace quicken. I turned toward the television to try and drown out my thoughts.

"Can I borrow some clothes, mate?" I suddenly heard his voice, right up behind me, and I jumped a little from my spot on the sofa.

"Sure," I said. "Want me to get em for ya?"

"Why not?" Alex retorted, with an almost cocky smile on his face. It was always like he knew something I didn't.

We walked back to my room silently, and I felt light-headed at the sight of him completely shirtless. It wasn't like I hadn't seen it before, but it always made me weak. 

Alex and I had always had a very indescribable relationship. There were times when I suspected he was actually dropping hints to me. On stage when we would perform and his hugs would last a little longer than usual, or when we would be walking down the street and his hand would brush mine just a little bit too obviously, those were the times that made me catch my breath. When I would get a little flirty on stage and he would just smile back like he was having the time of his life, or when he would give me that knowing smirk with his brown eyes shining after I said something funny, those were the times that wrenched my heart like nothing else. 

But, there were the times that made me freeze up and ache all over. When Alex would bring home girls after a show when it was supposed to be just us hanging out, or when it would seem he'd try his best to not get too close to me on stage, I always felt sick to my stomach. These incidents were always sporadic. It's like I never knew what to expect with him at certain times, and it was hard to deal with. For some reason, I still chased after him like he was the finish line at the end of a race. 

I pulled out a soft grey t-shirt and jeans for Alex to wear home. We shared clothes occasionally, and I've always known what looks best on him. He looks so sharp in his usual suits and dress shirts, but when he dresses down I melt every time. His big arms look so defined in a t-shirt, and blue jeans sit so snug around his hips and ass. The image alone was making me lose my mind.

"Thanks," he mumbled, taking the clothes and walking to the bathroom.

"No problem." 

Alex looked so cute when he left, I felt my heart sting. I wanted to kiss him so bad, just a small goodbye kiss, and I swear I almost did. As he turned his head to wave and smile before he walked off, I almost grabbed his cheeks and kissed him softly, just enough to make my heart flutter and his hands touch my waist. I wanted to kiss him just enough to make him feel safe and loved. 

-------------------

I hadn't seen Alex in a few days, so I was looking forward to the party Matt was having at his flat tonight. 

I arrived a little early, and saw the familiar yellow color of a shirt I knew Al owned. I felt myself grin stupidly, and I walked over to him quickly, only to be let down.

He had his arm draped over a girl's shoulders, and a beer in his hand talking to another guest. The girl was extremely pretty and Alex looked comfortable enough with her that I assumed he had brought her here with him. 

"Fuck me..." I sighed, lighting a cigarette, and blowing the smoke into a dreary cloud above my head. Suitable. 

I meandered over to Matt and Nick who seemed to be trying to choose what song to play next. 

"Hey, mate!" Matt called out when he saw me. "Whatcha been up to?" 

"Nothing, really. Hey, who's that bird Al's got with him?"