Secret Door

Fifteen

In the morning when he woke I was dreading another mood swing. In the harsh sun I predicted him slipping back into a more sober mood, a more shy mood, a more conventionally 'Alex' mood. I woke before he did, and the noon day was peeking through the curtains, illuminating Alex's skin. It was late and we were both hungover, but somehow he looked more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Was it the sex? So cliche. Was it my hangover? Possibly. Was I falling in love with him again and more heavily? Most likely. 

I looked at him, totally mesmerized. I felt ridiculous. I felt like a scene in a boring romantic film. I was watching my significant other sleep after a night of brilliant love-making that undoubtedly changed our entire senses of self and brought us closer together a couple. I chuckled at the mere idea of it all. 

Alex's eyes slowly opened, and his hand fumbled on the sheets until it reached mine. I smiled, squeezing his palm. 

"Good morning," I whispered.

"Shh...too early.." he mumbled, his eyes slipping closed again as he crawled nearer to me. He wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his face on my bare chest. 

"It's past noon!" I argued, just to tease him. 

"Shut up.." his voice was muffled against my chest. "I'm still drunk and my arse hurts like hell.."

I laughed out loud without really meaning to. "Yeah, that'll happen," I said. 

Alex picked his head up and smiled along with me. He adjusted his position, tangling our legs together even more than the already were, and took to stroking the back of my hair as he looked at me with a new fondness. His eyes became soft and I could tell he was thinking really seriously. 

"It's worth it," he almost-whispered after a few moments. 

I just smiled. He kissed me and pulled away quicker than usual.

"Sorry, I bet my breath tastes real fucking wank," he apologized, crinkling up his nose. Fuck, he was cute. 

"I don't care. I don't care at all."

-----------

I started not caring at all about a lot of things. I conveniently ignored Alex's drinking problem as I told myself it was okay when we both were drinking. He was safe when it was the both of us. He was healthy, loved, and safe. So, we both drank. A lot. And the drinking gave way to sloppy kissing which gave way to roaming hands which gave way to lots of sex. Sober sex just wasn't our thing. It was okay. All couples had idiosyncrasies and habits that bonded them. Ours was drunk sex. It was okay. It was okay. I loved him. I loved him I loved him. That was enough for it to be fucking okay.

On the evening before the start of the new year, Alex came around to my place as was our routine. It wasn't a strict routine and it wasn't a set routine. Nothing in our relationship was either of those things, but like our relationship, our routine was ours. He had that wild gleam in his eye that told me we were in for something exciting that night that he planned to put into action. I wrapped my arms around his slim waist as he walked in. He didn't smell like alcohol yet, which always made me feel better at first, before I pushed the thought away because it was okay no matter what he smelled like. 

"Hey," I muttered into the top of his head as I held him.

He chucked into my chest and it seemed to bounce through my body. "Hi."

He lifted his head up and kissed me gently before letting go and racing over to the kitchen.

"Pour us some wine, please dear," he said in an overexaggerated voice to make me laugh.

"Why have wine, when you can have champagne?" I offered, reaching into the fridge for the bottle I had bought just for the occasion.  

Alex's face lit up. "I can't believe I didn't think of that," he said as he walked over to me. He wrapped he arms around me from behind as I stood in front of the fridge. 

I kissed him quickly as I turned around to get glasses for the drinks. I poured them and handed one to Al.

"Cheers," I said, clinking his glass against mine. He smirked and took a drink.

 After a few moments of silence, Alex spoke up again. "You know what would go good with this?" 

I grinned, walking over to him and leaning my head on his shoulder.

"What?"

I picked up my head as he dug around in his jacket pocket for something. I furrowed my brow for a moment before I realized what it was. A small plastic bag filled with...

"Weed?" I asked, laughing. "Are you serious?" 

"Why wouldn't I be serious?"

I stopped for a minute, looking at him. He was genuinely confused about why this didn't seem reasonable to me. It was almost as if he was thinking "Well, duh, Miles. You've trusted my destructive behaviour for this long now. What else did you expect?"

It's not that I found weed incredibly dangerous. I just hadn't done it much since high school. It felt oddly juvenile and silly to me. 

"It's just..I didn't expect it that's all," I said, crinkling my brow. 

"Well you don't have to if you don't want. I just thought it would be something different that usual," he said, digging in his jacket for a package of rolling papers before circling around the bar to hang his jacket on the chair. 

"No, no. I'll do it," I chuckled. "I just haven't since high school, you know. It's kind of funny that's all." 

Alex laughed as he sat down and started rolling a joint. As he lit it he trailed off into the living room and laid back on the sofa. He handed it over to me as I sat next to him. I took a drag and handed it back.

"Holy shit..." I said. 

Alex laughed. His face looked different tonight, somehow more beautiful and carefree. He took another hit and leaned over against me. He loved cuddling. I loved that he loved it. I wrapped my arms around him and we continued passing the joint back and forth. He started getting louder and more talkative as his high kicked in. I started feeling it soon too and all I could hear was his laugh. All I could see was his face. 

"I love you," I whispered in his ear after we had finished smoking. 

Alex giggled. "You're crazy," he whispered back. 

"No. No I'm not...I love you Alex," I insisted, pushing his hair out of his eyes so he would look at me.

"That's just the weed talking, babe," he said back, still laughing and smiling so much it was driving me insane. 

"Noooo. Nooo...I love you and I know I do because you look beautiful right now and you're always beautiful and I think I've always loved you but I never really...knew," I rambled and rambled, not even sure what I was saying but I knew it was the truth.

Alex still tried to laugh it off, but he could see where the line between joking and serious was blurring. He sighed, and kissed me. I kissed back with so much. For some reason, right then, I needed him to know how much I loved him and how much I would always love him. He started kissing more passionately, letting his hands grab my hair and pull as he pushed me down into the sofa. I loved it I loved him. All I could think about was how much I loved him as he kept going, grinding harder into me and pulling at the zipper on my pants. 

"Do you want to fuck me?" he asked with his lips pressed to my neck and his hand on my zipper about to pull it down. Everything seemed serious all of the sudden. His voice was deeper than usual, low, calm, careful, sexy. He was so sexy. My mind was all mush and I just nodded in agreement. Whatever he wanted. Whatever he wanted was okay. It was all okay.