Secret Door

Four

-Alex-

I remembered it all so clearly, even though I didn't want to. I remembered feeling my stomach jolt when I saw Miles, and I remembered my mind going blank of anything besides him. 

I wished I didn't know why I did it, but I didn't wish I hadn't.

In the calm quiet of his apartment, with my head buzzing warmly, it felt natural. It felt simple and sweet, like we had been lovers for years. His body felt magnificent. I could have never imagined the way I felt laying against his chest if I hadn't done it. It was something so different from anything else.

I was so nervous when I asked him, but I knew he would do it. There was always such a tenderness about him, that had me seeing right through him since the beginning. I played along for a while, pleasing him since I knew he liked me so much.

I don't fancy him. I would tell myself that a lot in those first few years, and it worked for a while. I don't know exactly when it was but at some point I knew that statement had become a lie.

Maybe it was when he first got up really close to my face on stage that I felt that rush of heat in my stomach, alerting me that I enjoyed him there. Or maybe it was that critical moment on a random night, drunk and listening to records, that he smiled at me dreamily, and my smile back was just as genuine. 

But, no, no matter what I could never let him know. So why did I give in so easily this particular night? It was just a crush, just a stupid embarrassing crush. 

I had missed him so much, and he had looked so irresistible, mysterious and brooding with his cigarette hanging from his agitated mouth. I don't know why I projected him in this light when to most people he was the least intimidating person they had ever met. For some reason he towered over me in my mind, and every word that came out of his mouth could have either created or destroyed me. 

I couldn't let him know. This was just a stupid infatuation and lustful obsession that would fade once I gave it enough time. I couldn't lead him on and crush him into pieces. 

But I had missed him so much, and I was feeling reckless with him so near me.

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In the morning I felt like I was still under the spell of the night before. I woke up with my cheek pressed against Miles' shirt and my initial feeling was one of such contentment that I couldn't stop smiling. I snuggled into Miles for as long as the feeling lasted, and then instant panic washed over my body, leaving me numb.

I froze up and realized what I had done. I looked up at Miles' sleeping face, and I felt my heart ache like it was sore. I pulled away from his body as slowly as I could, but his eyelids fluttered.

"Al.....?" he mumbled in the most beautiful sleepy voice I had ever heard.

I blocked out how it made me want to smile, and I pulled all the way away from his body. He laid silent for a minute, looking at me nervously. 

"I-I need to go home...." I muttered, turning to get off the bed.

"Alex, wait," Miles insisted, pulling on my arm back into the bed. He let his fingers slip into mine, and I didn't resist.

Miles didn't say anything for a moment, I mean how could he? I had just made things more awkward than before and had no words to explain myself.

He looked at our hands joined together and smiled sheepishly, before looking back up at me directly into my eyes. He was searching for my feelings which he wouldn't find. 

"Y'know, Al....I've been wantin' to tell ya this for a real long time now, but I never had the courage you see.." he rambled, staring at our hands intertwined and shooting up glances at my straight face.

"I mean, where do you wanna take it from here?" he said it quietly, after a moment, looking right at me.

I glanced down at my hand inside his, and pulled it away slowly, not daring to watch his face as I did.

"Nowhere, Mi..." I said softly as I tried to let him down easy. "I don't fancy you that way, mate, sorry."

Miles face fell, and he tried to hide it. He couldn't in a million years though. I saw the disappointment envelope his delicate eyes and my heart sank. 

'What about last night, Alex?" Miles asked me after a moment of silence. His voice was more collected now and there was an irritated edge.

"I-I don't know, Mi...I was drunk out my mind...things just happen..." I sighed, not having any real explanation that I could tell him. 

"Oh, bullshit!" he suddenly flared up, rising from the bed.

"You weren't so drunk you couldn't make the decision of whether or not to ask me to fall asleep fucking holding you against me and stroking your hair!"

I walked over to him, getting pissed that he was yelling at me, and became defensive. 

"I'm not fucking gay, Miles! I don't fancy men! Get it through your brain, alright mate?" I yelled back, stretching out my hands and raising my brow at him.

"What's that supposed to mean, then? 'Get it through your brain,'!" Miles retorted.

"It means I know how long you've been fucking obsessed with me, Miles! It's pretty fucking obvious, so don't think otherwise. The way you're always lookin' at me, and trying to touch me all casually. I know what it's all about, there's no sense in trying to keep it a secret!" I hated him so much. I hated him for being so in love with me. 

"Just leave, honestly, don't worry about fucking explaining yourself and your behavior last night then!" he shouted, his voice cracking slightly at the end of his sentence.

My blood boiled and my eyes started to sting with tears he couldn't see. 

"Fucking, fine, then!" I shouted, storming off before I let myself fall apart.

I had to take the bus back to my apartment because my car was at home where I had left it before Matt's party, so afraid of getting too drunk. The bus wasn't very crowded and it seemed to suit the mood ironically. I sat in the back, curled up with my feet in the seat and my knees by my chin. 

I cried silently in the lonely space, avoiding eye contact with any other passengers, almost forgetting they were there when the world was crumbling around me.

I didn't know why I was so torn up. It was just a crush, like a boyhood crush you get when you're still trying to find out who you are and how you fit into life. That's exactly what it was, really. It was about fucking time I got over it, and Miles was just going to have to deal with that reality.