The Pink Eyeball ( Uta Tokyo Ghoul )

Tamago

Swipe, lunge, deflect.
He's gone.

Swipe, swipe, defend.
Never coming back.

Lunge.
Gone. He's gone.

I was so absorbed in my own thought I did not see Mr.Natsuke's rod slashing down and hit me squarely on my shoulder, sending me staggering to a far corner.

"Could you please concentrate, egghead?"

I gasped in pain, clutching my throbbing shoulder. I'm pretty sure he broke my collarbone. I tried to move my arm but stopped, it was too agonizing. Yup, pretty sure my bone is shattered.

"I hope you brought your trainer's insurance kusojijii, because I'm going to sue!" I hissed.

He laughed dryly and lunged at me while I jumped aside, still holding my poor shoulder.

I am quinque-training with him after school again, but my heart is not in it. Nor was my head.

I kept rewinding the moments he left me, again and again until the shock had wear off and slowly to turn into a dreamlike state; I visit those haunting moments everyday, hoping that at that last crucial moment, I stopped him leaving by all means, and he would still be mine.

But now is not the time to wallow in self-pity. I shook my head like a wet puppy to clear my head.

Focus.

The man I love is gone. A lump arisen in my throat that I have a trouble swallowing down as tears threatened to leak out of my eyes again. He was right, I did nothing but lied to him, I used him selfishly for my own purpose, but only now when he is gone I realised I cared for him. I sniffed pathetically and Natsuke glances up at me.

"Are you alright?", he asked warily.

"Yes." I said. I am so fine, really.

What am I doing, training and preparing to kill Uta? What am I really doing here, helping a bunch of strangers who did not care less about me, to kill the man I loved?

"No, I am not alright." I threw my quinque rod down at the floor with a thump, where it lay dejectedly.

"I can't do this anymore,"I said to Natsuke. "I can't. " To my horror, two fat tears rolled down my cheek. I gulped and quickly wiped them away, but they keep coming fast and I can't stop them. I had never felt so weak in my life. Emotionally and physically weak. I am a bloody mess inside and outside, and my head felt like it was stuffed full of wet cotton wool this days.

"Hey, now..." Mr Natsuke came up to me and laid a fatherly hand on my bruised shoulder. "It's alright."

I was on the verge on telling him it's NOT alright when he said, "Sometimes we questioned ourselves,  and we doubted our actions, but it's okay. All we had to do is just keep doing whatever that's right. " He patted my back and continued, "No one is forcing you to do this. All you are doing is just for self defense. When the time comes you can refuse to do anything you don't feel like doing, alright?"

I nodded my head weakly like a little child.

Mr.Natsuke sighed and said," I think it's time. " I looked up at him, confused. "Huh?"

He went out of the room and came back a minute later, holding a giant yellow lollipop .

"This quinque is finished yesterday. I was going to give you later on... But you can have it now. " I took it from him with shaky hands.

It looked like a lollipop, alright, except the head is more triangular and sharp.

"You had been doing well, lately, you just need to be a bit more focused. This is an early gift to you."