What I Meant

Entry no. 30: Numb

It was the the day you talked to me, after you hadn't talked to me for a whole week.

It was in the middle of February. You didn't hug me.

No.

All you said was, "Are you okay?"

Whether you cared or not, I plastered a fake smile and said, "Perfect."

Perfect.

I hated that word. That was my expectation.

You had caught me in a tough place.

I was in the middle of procrastinating.

I had a chemistry final that day and a spanish quiz (that gave me a 60%, my lowest grade ever although it moved my main grade from a 100% to an 88%)

Also I was having rehersals back to back and guitar and piano and soccer and writing and youtube and wattpad and Les Miserables and...and more...and I couldn't get a break.

I managed to go to sleep a little past midnight, maybe even 10:45 if I was really lucky, and wake up at 5:45 everyday.

It was driving me insane.

I couldn't take it.

It wasn't fair, to which someone would say, "Oh you poor baby, I have it worse."

But you know what?

Its not a freaking competition.

I wasn't saying that I had a shitty life, I didn't.

I was just so tired of doing so many things, and then you had to come along and mess everything up.

Congrats annoying teenager-who-I-fell-in-love-with, if your goal was to make me drown, you succeeded.

I was officially drowning, falling, suffocating, slowly crumbling like the ruin I was becoming.

I kept freaking out.

Just in chior, I was talking with Bella.

She told me I could die with anemia.

I didn't think it was that serious.

I never really told you I was anemic, until you witnissed me fainting in your arms, literaly.

I know I apoplogized then, but I apologize as you read this, sorry for making you worry.

You had to miss half of soccer practice and half of piano for me.

Sorry for that too.

I was starting to feel numb.

You know that story, by Laurie Halse Anderson? Wintergirls?

Well, I felt like a wintergirl. I felt half in and half out.

Why would you like someone like me anymore?

I had no idea.