Habit

Chapter 17

For the rest of the week, Lauren planted reason after reason for Camila to believe in the sixty reasons she was worth this life. Lauren knew Camila had sixty reasons of her own, sixty reasons why she could come to terms with the fact that her life was legitimately worth something, but she didn't know the sixty reasons Lauren still needed her on this planet. Hell, Lauren didn't even know sixty reasons why she needed Camila. But through all of this, she was working towards figuring them out.

The first day, Lauren had left the rose. Normani had raved to her after Camila found it and the note that the rose was so romantic, so perfect, blah blah blah. Lauren smiled in self-pride, but she knew a three dollar rose from their local grocery store tagged with a cheesy quote that wasn't 100% hers wouldn't get into Camila's heart. She knew, a rose is good. A rose is very good. But Lauren Jauregui could do better.

The second day, Lauren left something in Camila's locker no one could have imagined. Lauren stood in the same spot as the day before, poised anxiously behind her own locker door with Normani close by, also watching intently, and they witnessed something beautiful. Camila opened her locker door, and in a million tiny snowfalls of pink, rose petals showered the small girl, and she squealed in delight-it was a sound Lauren Jauregui had convinced herself she'd never hear. Camila giggled and jumped up in down in her spot before realizing there were people staring. Sure, Lauren had kind of sort of repeated herself in terms of giving Camila gifts, but rose petals were always more special than the rose itself. There was something about the way they fell over the girl, washed her in their romanticism that made Lauren's heart flutter. Camila searched her locker and, bingo, Lauren saw her find Lauren's note, finger it with anticipation. Camila's eyes skimmed the small, white, crested paper and she looked up to Laruen with tears in her eyes. Lauren smiled a small bit, and nodded encouragingly.

"Reason two out of sixty as to why you shouldn't take the pills: Pink roses stand for healing-let these petals be your destiny. -The girl who's trying to gain back time."

Camila walked a few steps over towards Lauren, but she shifted in her spot, and then reluctantly turned around. Lauren's eyebrows furrowed; why was she backing away? Lauren ran towards the girl, gently put an arm on her shoulder. Camila turned around slowly, and in the sea of people, Lauren saw something in Camila's eyes that were a mix of sadness, regret. Lauren couldn't understand it. Too many people were around for Lauren to wonder out loud, to ask what was the matter, but Camila got the clue.

She walked back over to her locker with Lauren in tow and turned to the girl when they were somewhat alone. Lauren looked at the girl expectantly, but Camila avoided her gaze. Finally, Lauren couldn't take it anymore. She lifted the smaller girl's chin so Camila had no place to look but into Lauren's eyes.

"Did I do something wrong?" Camila tried to look away from Lauren's eyes, but Lauren didn't let her. She removed a small strand of hair from Camila's face, and the smaller girl blushed a bit. But other than that, she didn't say anything. Her mouth remained agape, like a fish out of water, like the words she wanted were out of reach completely.

Lauren understood; what she wanted to say was something she couldn't talk about. Whether it was because of the people surrounding them in the crowded hallway, or because she just wasn't ready to talk about it, Lauren didn't know. But that was okay.

"Listen, Camz," she whispered as quietly as she could into the girl's ear, "We don't have to talk about it. But there's something there. I'm here for you. Whenever. Okay?" And Lauren felt the girl beside her tremble. But Camila nodded regardless.

oooo                                                                       

Lauren sat in her bed later that night and held her phone in her hands. She was hoping, praying Camila would call. There was something about the way Camila reacted earlier that made Lauren's skin crawl. She wanted to know what had happened, what had caused Camila's shocked and upset appearance after those petals fell over her. She wanted an explanation, which made her selfish, but more than anything, she wanted to know that Camila was okay.

So, when Camila didn't call, Lauren called her. Camila didn't answer, but right after Lauren left a voicemail, she got a text.

Can you come over? I know it's late, but please? -Camz

Lauren replied quickly, almost too fast. Of course. On my way. -Lo

oooo

Lauren arrived at Camila's front door and was quickly greeted upon ringing the doorbell by Mrs. Cabello.

"Hola, Lauren? Como estas?" Lauren just smiled, said she was fine, how about you? and when she was invited inside, climbed the stairs up to Camila's bedroom. The door was shut, so Lauren rapped against it softly. She heard a silent come in and opened the door slowly.

Camila sat inside, perched on the floor, hands in her lap. Lauren sat down tentatively beside her and didn't say a word.

When Camila spoke, she had a thickness in her throat that indicated tears.

"Pink roses mean healing?" Lauren looked over her way and nodded. She scooted a tiny bit closed to Camila, and let her hand sit on the ground between them. She inched her fingers further and further until Camila put her hand next to it. Lauren looked up and held eye contact with Camila for a second before putting her index finger gently on the back of Camila's hand, drawing circles there.

Camila flipped her hand over slowly and Lauren placed her hand in it. She held Camila's hand gently, and pulled it into her lap. Camila looked at Lauren and her face portrayed something that looked like fear.

Lauren only held her hand firmer and whispered, "Don't be afraid." Lauren smiled at her, and Camila smiled a little back.

"I can't stop feeling him. And today... today when you said those petals stood for healing, I lost it. Because I don't feel like I'm losing an uphill battle. And I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially you."
Lauren smiled at Camila, but it was a sad smile. She hated that Camila thought she could disappoint her. As much as Lauren hated to admit it, there was nothing Camila could do to disappoint her.

There were feelings there that overcame any sense of disappointment that could creep into vision. But there was no way for Camila to know that, for Lauren had essentially lost this girl's trust long ago when the vicious words she threw Camila's way tore the girl's heart to shreds.

So, Lauren did the only thing she knew how. She held Camila's hand, and looked the girl right in the eyes, into those brown, brown eyes full of tears. She wiped away a single tear with her index finger and held Camila's cheek in her palm.

"Reason number three out of sixty as to why you shouldn't take the pills," Lauren whispered. "I'll never be disappointed in you as long as you're trying."