Habit

Chapter 5

Camila clutched onto the blanket as her muscles tensed. She didn't want to be understood, not by someone who didn't care. She let out a breath through her nose, and turned to Lauren, ''Why do you pretend to be straight?'' Her question echoed, and she wondered if she had even voiced them, but the incredulous look that Lauren shot her way confirmed that she had indeed been heard.

Lauren opened her mouth, only to close it, and she looked into Camila's eyes with a look of panic, but in a matter of seconds, the panic wore out and her face turned into a smirk, ''I am straight. I was just curious. And, I didn't feel right involving my curiosity with some innocent girl who would develop feelings whereas you're numb to this, it wouldn't matter.

The words stung. They stung more than Camila wanted to admit so she did what she could do best, she turned into an actress. She scoffed before turning back around, ''How considerate of you.''

Before Lauren could say anything else to add more damage to the already regretted night, Camila started to exaggerate her breathing pattern to make it look like she had fallen asleep. It seemed to have worked because after about ten minutes, a weight shifted on the bed and she listened as Lauren stood up.

Lauren hadn't moved, and Camila tried her hardest not to give away that she was still awake and almost gave in when she felt something being thrown on her before Lauren finally exited the room.

Once the door finally closed, Camila opened her eyes and she turned to see what had been thrown and the sight broke her heart more than any degrading comment could have
it was a twenty dollar bill.
Camila decided that she couldn't stay and have Lauren rush her out in a couple of hours and as she saw the sun begin to rise.

She got up and left the dollar bill there, not before tearing it of course. She huffed as her feet met with the solid ground and couldn't decide whether she wanted to go home or not.
She decided against it because she couldn't find the willpower to face Lauren at school either. Something about last night made her situation all the more embarrassing. She thought back on the words from Miss Lovato, and it coursed through her mind, the idea of flipping the switch. The idea of turning her life around, but then she chuckled sadly at how far even the simple idea of ''normal'' was from her.
Camila found herself walking towards the familiar path that led to the beach. The beach was vacant of course, because it was so early but it looked all the more beautiful. As the sun reached a good level in the sky, it kissed the ocean good morning.

Camila took her shoes off as well as her clothes, leaving herself in her underwear. She took a deep breath, and as her hands began to shake she counted a childish 1...2...3... before sprinting towards the ocean. She kept running until her feet no longer reached the ground, and she swam into it until it covered her entire body.
She didn't fight the waves that cascaded on her, because she needed this moment. She felt the push and pull from the morning tide and as horrible as it felt-it also felt amazing. She took a gasp for air before letting the current take her under. Her body was tossed and turned uncontrollably and even if she could feel her lungs reaching their break point, she still didn't fight the water. She wanted to feel what it was like to be physically drowning because she sure as hell felt like she was drowning every day in this never ending misery. As she spiraled in the waves, she led herself to believe that the ocean was cleansing her of it all.

When she knew her body was seconds away from giving up, she swam up to the surface. She wanted to believe for a moment that her existence was insignificant, but a part of her felt like she owed answers. Answers to the confused, and answers to the others holding still.

She swam to the shore and rested her back on the sand. She closed her eyes and let herself control the racing of her heart, and let herself register in her mind that she had just saved herself.
She didn't pull the stunt, because for once she told herself she deserved to stay even if nobody else agreed. She wondered what time it was, and wondered if first period was starting already or not. She wondered if Lauren entered with her usual crowd-flipping her hair and sipping on her coffee. She wondered what it was like to be in control.

After what felt like an hour, she stood up and made way to her clothes. The sun had dried her off a bit, so she was able to put on her pajamas that she left Lauren's house in, and decided she could go home now that her parents were probably at work, but her feet had a different plan.

Camila walked to the building that now seemed so foreign-it scared her. She took a deep breath before entering, and formed the sign of the cross and wondered if she'd melt or something. She walked to the altar, and knelt before it.

The chapel was empty, seeing that it was a week day, but the priest must be roaming around somewhere; and as she knelt down, she began to cry, no, she began to sob. When she felt the hand of their town's priest on her shoulder, she couldn't help but cry harder before incoherent apologies escaped her lips.