Habit

Chapter 24

The following few weeks were a blur for the two girls; they were infatuated with one another. They spent every available second together with only the intention of close-spaces and flirtatious inquiries in mind. Classes flew by in time for lunch, where the two sat under the branches of a small oak tree on the grounds of their school; they sat under this oak every day, Lauren feeding Camila morsels of chocolate and berries from packed lunches, Camila tracing the lines of shade from the shadows the branches cast on Lauren's face until she got to the girl's lips, where she held her thumb for a second before leaning in and placing a kiss there. Had they not been so far from other eyes, Lauren hated to admit, she probably would have pushed the girl away. Lauren loved Camila; this much was certain. But something about the way the two coexisted here at school wasn't right, wasn't sane-it was reckless, which Lauren usually craved. But with Camila, everything was too borderline crazy to trust that things could be this simple all the time without interference on the sidelines.

But of course, in Lauren's case, things couldn't be that simple.

It started after one day in Lauren's car. Lauren had gotten into the habit of picking Camila up in the morning and taking her home in the afternoon to "save Camila's gas money for college," but they both really knew it was an excuse to get into Camila's house every day, just to spend more time with Camz. This particular day, Lauren and Camila were waiting for a gap in the line of students leaving the student parking lot, and Camila's hand crept onto Lauren's thigh comfortably, as it so often did. Of course it killed Lauren's feels-she was angsty to the touch. But obviously there was nothing they could do about it with Lauren's foot on the brake and the car in drive. So, Lauren let Camila's hand stay there, and prayed it would do nothing more.

She prayed, but her prayers were not answered.

Camila peered sexily from the corner of her eye and rubbed Lauren's leg sensually, laughing at Lauren's obvious intentions to get the girl from having her seduced so close to other vehicles that had insurance policies out on side swipes caused by sexual inflictions. So, instead of letting Camila torture her so, Lauren leaned over and let a kiss linger on Camila's lips before pulling back and seeing three or four other seniors standing still and watching the event occur. She felt like she was in a movie-there was nothing funny or romantic about it at this point. The two girls were a spectacle in the eyes of the Miami High School they sat in front of. Lauren had anticipated this. She knew every possibility in the world revolved around people seeing the girls' relationship and questioning the morality of it. And that scared the hell out of her, it always had. But she'd promised Camila to be brave, that they'd fight through their personal demons together. And that's what she'd do.

That is, until the harassment started.

Lauren walked into school the following day with snickers on either side of the hallway, too similar to what you would see in a typical sit-com TV show where the teenage girl was obviously being judged by the other girls around her. It was ridiculing. Lauren pushed her gaze down to the floor, not wanting the others to see the blush on her face. When she got to her locker, she spun the dial nervously, already having some internal predisposition of something horrible about to unfold.

As soon as she opened her locker door, hundreds of unwrapped condom packets fell out and on top of her. They were ripped open, not a condom itself in sight, and when most of the blue Trojan wrappers fell out and onto the ground, Lauren found a lone note stuck to one of her textbooks. Won't be needing these with the sexual favors of another girl, huh? -xoxo

Lauren didn't have to know who it was to know where it came from. She looked up angrily, tears frosting the corners of her green eyes, and Camila, who was lagging behind, rushed over, seeing the spectacle that had just unfolded. Lauren looked over to the girl, realizing she had done something similar to Camila just weeks before, and immediately knew Camila felt this pain. But Camila didn't seem to notice that. She just had concern in her eyes. Camila ran forward, kneeling down on the ground, picking up the pieces of plastic wrapper surrounding them. Lauren looked up again, watched those around her laugh and carry on, some taking pictures while they did so. It infuriated her. She crumpled the note loudly in her hand and threw it on the ground, stomping away before Camila could get up and stop her. The door to the adjacent hall banged loudly behind Lauren as she ran, ran fast and furious down the maze of high school around her, and didn't stop until she reached the parking lot. She got into her car, turned on the stereo as loud as she could, and blasted the cold air onto her face.

Everything was miserable.

Everything was horrible.

She was the laughing stock of the school now, and all because of one little kiss with the girl she loved?

It wasn't fair.

But through it all, Lauren couldn't stop wondering if this was exactly how Camila felt when these near same jokes were casted onto her. What wasn't fair was that Lauren was this upset over one stupid joke when she did the same jokes repeatedly to this girl who now she cared about more than anything. It wasn't a fair feeling for her, a fair situation, but it was less fair to Camila, whose comfort she'd refused.

Just as this thought entered her mind, she felt a soft tap tap at her window. She looked up to see the one and only love of her life beside the window, a little sad smile painted across her lips. Lauren rolled down the window, trying her best to avoid Camila's gaze. She felt too guilty to look her in the eyes.

"Lauren." Camila whispered.

Lauren sniffled, tears still making their way up the back of her throat. "Yeah, Camz?" She looked up finally, and Camila pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, trying not to cry herself at seeing Lauren cry.

"Babe," Camila said quietly, looking down at her feet, "I know it sucks." Camila's voice was watered with tears that Lauren could detect easily. "I know it sucks," she repeated, exasperated. "And I'm sorry." The tears fell down now, and it hit Lauren: Camila thought it was her fault. She blamed herself for this mess because she had initiated the in-school out-and-about attitude of their relationship. She felt she was to blame for all of this because she'd made Lauren have a physical relationship in front of their peers. But one thing was apparent to Lauren: It was nowhere near Camila's fault.

"No no no no," Lauren said quickly. She opened the car door quickly, trying to get Camila to move out of the way as she did so. She grabbed the girl in her arms and held her there, rubbing her back, telling her not to cry. "Don't be upset, love, it's not your fault, not at all." She placed her chin on Camila's head and ran her fingernails down the girl's back again and again, knowing the comfort it would instill.

Camila latched onto Lauren tightly, trying to force out words between chokes of tears. "If-I hadn't kis-kissed you-yes-yesterday-this wouldn't-have-have happened." She let one final sob run its course and settled down before sighing, and Lauren held her tight still, not wanting to let her go under any circumstance.

"Honey," Lauren said, "I kissed you. Remember?" Lauren laughed a little, thinking back on the memory. Camila chuckled lightly at her laugh, but Lauren knew she was still upset. "I kissed you. That was my choice. I don't regret it."

Camila looked up now, intrigued. "Really?" Her eyes were wide with wonder, with doubt. "You don't regret kissing me in front of those kids?"

Lauren snorted loudly, and Camila really laughed, which made Lauren smile. "No, baby. Not at all. I'll never regret kissing you. Ever." She placed a single, loving kiss on Camila's forehead, and Camila leaned her head up to look Lauren in the eyes.

"I love you." Camila kissed her on the lips, slowly, carefully.

Lauren kissed her back and pulled away a few moments later.

"I love you, too."