Habit

Chapter 16

Camila met Lauren's gaze and she looked deep in thought at the question. Her gaze shifted and flickered behind the girl's head,
''I think, it doesn't matter what I think...''

''What do you mean?''

''Well, what I said. I don't think it matters what I think because even with my opinion, you yourself are still in limbo. You don't know what you want.''
Lauren sat stunned in silence, and her eyes widened in surprise,
''Well, what is it that you think I want?''
Camila brought her eyes back to her, emotionless.

''I think everything you want, everything you feel is clouded by the desire to feel redemption for everything you've done. I'm not sure if the reality of our situation has given you just as much as freedom as it has to me, or if it's only made things even harder for you. Hope you find a peace of mind though.'' She said before patting Lauren's knee and getting up to walk away.

''I care about you, Camila. I know that much.''

''Well, it's a little too late for that, don't you think?''

''It's never too late.''

''I guess you're gonna have to prove me wrong.''

''Is that an invitation?''

Camila smiled weakly at her before walking off the stage and towards the exit, not once looking back.
Lauren brought her hands to her face and sat in the silence for a while, thinking of ways she could fix this, there had to be something, anything.

A few hours later

Lauren thought back on everything Camila confessed today, and she tried to wrap her head around how she could fix the situation between them. How could she convince Camila to trust her again, without Camila thinking that she was only doing this because she felt bad for everything that happened? How could she tell not only Camila but the whole entire school that this entire time it was all just an act? That although she couldn't deny that Camila's behavior was something she could easily frown upon, she was still unmistakably drawn towards her since the very first time she saw her. How could she explain to Camila that fitting in hadmeant more to her than pursuing what she actually wanted?

Lauren struggled with figuring out how she could even develop any sense of interest in the girl when she had behaved the way she had, does that make her as sick as those guys who participated in Camila's indecent now dark past.

What hurt Lauren even more was that she was still afraid of the feelings she was developing for Camila, and what scared her most was the way everyone would react, and maybe that's what kept her so undecided about what to do.

She found herself crying again, but it wasn't because of the truth behind Camila anymore, it was because of the truth about her.

I'm gay.

The thought itself shook her in fear, and it just seemed so different in this moment, touching Camila's body that night, kissing her for the first time, none of that made her realize she was gay.

Her feelings themselves, that erupted in the pit of her stomach every time she saw Camila never made her second think her sexuality, because she was never thinking when she was with Camila. She was impulsive, and never let anything sink in; she just lived in her presence.

But now realizing that she could no longer mistreat her to be near her, or to cloud the racing thoughts whenever she saw her, everything began to sink in. She was in fact gay, and it's different to be gay and not have someone who interests you, but once someone does, it just makes it all more real.

She thought back to a few days ago, their first kiss. It was a bittersweet moment, and she couldn't help but cringe at how badly she had ruined that. She shouldn't have gone that far just to have the upper hand, was it really worth it? Popularity and opinions were all going to fade once they graduated in a few months, and if Camila could risk it all, she could too, right?