Habit

Chapter 15

"Hate the sin, love the sinner."

Lauren watched a confused, heartbroken, regretful audience behind her clap, cry into each other, and feel the pain they'd seen in the eyes of the girl in front of them all.

The applause proved to be too much for Camila, who was still standing at the podium before them, as she pulled her hands to her eyes and cried into them shamelessly.

If she were being honest with herself, Lauren would admit how incredibly much she wanted to run to the girl, hold her in her arms, tell her how sorry she was. The only problem with that would be that Lauren couldn't say sorry. She needed to-she wanted to, even-but there were some things you can't apologize, no matter how much an apology is needed. How could you? How could you approach someone you've resented for years, take her in your arms, whisper into her perfect little ear how incredibly horrible you were? How incredibly evil you were? To a rape victim?

It couldn't be done.                               

Lauren could do anything. She could climb mountains and mountains, soar across the ocean without the tide ever catching her, and she could shake anything off she ever felt was too much for her. But this-this she could not do.

She looked at Camila now, a girl who, no matter the tears streaming down her face, was stronger than she'd ever seen her. When Lauren bullied her, when Lauren was a treacherous, gaping black hole in what was Camila's universe, Lauren always saw the pain behind those brown eyes; she saw something she knew not to mess with, she knew not to challenge. She just never thought that a rape that sent this small, fragile girl into a tailspin could be that thing. Camila was bent out of shape, it was obvious to everyone. They'd all just figured it was a growing thing, something for attention. They all assumed it was just sex, she wanted the money. Damn, Lauren thought. How could we be soblind?"

But now, now Lauren peered into the soul before her and realized soulfully what she'd done.

And she had to fix it.

Yes, Lauren knew a simple sorry wouldn't change anything. She knew she couldn't apologize and expect everything to change. But things did need to change-starting now.

oooo

Lauren waited for everyone to file out of the gym. As classes had been cancelled for the day, all of the students went their separate ways. Some went home; some went into the library to talk to grief counselors made available after the difficult subjects mentioned. Some even went up to Camila and hugged her. Those were the kids who apologized, the kids who knew they'd messed up. Those were the kids who were genuinely sorry, not unlike Lauren herself. But those kids didn't tell Camila Cabello to kill herself.

So, Lauren sat in the bleachers of the gym, waiting patiently with her hands placed daintily on her lap. She waited until every last person walked out of the gym, including Camila's parents, Sofia, Miss. Lovato. Everyone. Finally, only Camila remained. She stood at the wooden podium gathering her things. Lauren stood then, wiped something invisible away from her skirt, and walked calmly, collectedly down the stairs until she stood in front of this girl, this, if she would admit it to herself, beautifully, tragically mesmerizing girl. Camila didn't look up.

"You can leave." These were the only words she said. Lauren let her eyebrows raise in surprise, felt her body pull back automatically from the lack of space between her and Camila. When had they gotten so close?

"You didn't deserve what I said. What I did."

"That's not much of an apology." Camila still didn't look up.

"I'm not apologizing through my words, Camila." Lauren bent down towards Camila's hand, grabbed it, but Camila snatched it away quickly.

"Please. Let me make it up to you. Actions speak louder than words."
Finally, Camila lifted her gaze to Lauren's and looked miserably into the eyes that so haunted her.

"And what exactly will you do, Jauregui? What can you do? You wanted me to disappear, you wanted me gone. I didn't make it that far, but Jesus did I want to. Look, Lauren, we graduate in such a short amount of time. Don't think about me. Don't find me wherever you look. Don't try. I need you out of my life."

"No you don't." Lauren looked at Camila firmly. She grabbed the other girl's hand once more, held it tight in her own.

"I didn't want to do those things. I didn't want to make those videos. I didn't want to give you those pills. You could see that, I know you could. I can't explain it all, I can't tell you why, but I had to say and do those things. I wanted you to know how little I meant those words. Camila, please believe that. Please." Lauren looked down at the hand tangled in hers, but it was drawn away once more, slowly. Camila held her hand to her chest, closed her eyes for a minute before reopening them.

She looked quizzically at Lauren, held her gaze, and shook her head, laughing a bit. "What is it?"
Camila looked directly into Lauren's eyes and something changed. The air changed. For a second, at least. "Why now? Because I confessed to being raped? Because I pretended to commit suicide? Because I had a sad -fest for the whole senior class? Why, Lauren? I don't get it. Because I know for a fact, if this-none of this-had ever happened, you'd still be taunting me, torturing me. Why now?"

Lauren stood where she was for a total of three seconds, three breaths, three thoughts, before she walked forward and placed her hands on Camila's face. She held those perfect cheeks lightly, rubbed her thumbs gently on the apples of Camila's cheeks, and finally, when she had mustered up the courage to do so, kissed Camila with more meaning than words could ever give. Camila stiffened, pulled back, but Lauren stopped her.

"No, don't." She leaned her forehead against Camila's. "Don't." Camila looked at her hard in the eyes before placing her hands on Lauren's forearms, however reluctantly. And then she kissed her back.Suddenly the air shifted and Camila pulled back. She stepped back multiple steps until there had to be ten or fifteen feet between the two of them. "No. Stop. Lauren, no."

And Lauren knew what she was doing. Camila was stopping her. She was finding her voice. After years of allowing her body to be a battlefield of sexual favor, she was finally saying no.
And in that little minute, Lauren knew what she was doing was no different than what that first boy did. She was forcing Camila into something she shouldn't be forced into. And damn it if she could apologize for it. So, Lauren stood in this position with Camila standing before her, looking violated, and she felt horrible. Lauren sat down in the place where she stood and looked up to the girl before her

"I'll wait. I'll wait for you to be okay again. I'll wait for you to let me explain it all. I'll wait for you to trust me. I'll do it. I'll wait. But I won't disappear. Because there are things you need to know. Things I need to tell you."
Camila looked down at Lauren and shifted. She sat in her own spot. She looked across the distance and didn't lose Lauren's gaze the whole time she did so. Lauren could tell Camila was nervous, dubious, self-conscious. She was uncomfortable. She was scared. But she had something to say.

Lauren saw Camila gather herself, saw her play with her hands in her lap, finally looking away from Lauren. Into her lap, she whispered, "I let you bully me because I thought I loved you."
Lauren sighed.

"I could tell you felt something for me. It's why I asked you over that one night. I never intended to give you that money, but I knew what it'd look like if I didn't."

"What, gay?" Camila looked up now, a little humor skirted over her still nervous features. She blushed at the word falling out of her mouth, and Lauren smiled at her unexpected innocence.Lauren laughed. "What?"

"Gay. You'd look gay if you didn't give me the twenty." Camila had a look on her face that, if faces could talk, would say, "Duh." Lauren chuckled.

"Well, I dunno. Maybe I am. What do you think, Camz?"

A/N-Greetings! I hope this chapter pleases y'all. I worked hard on it, and I know this chapter is overdue, but we've had some more technical difficulties! Ha ha. I really do hope y'all liked it, I love y'all so much. PS-if anyone has been through something like this, I wish you all the hope and love in the world.