Habit

Chapter 8

The day didn't take long to end, and I soon found myself at home. I was lying back in bed, staring at my ceiling. I couldn't wipe the satisfied smile off my face. After the occurrence, Lauren kept trying to meet my gaze in the hall, but I never dared return it because I knew she was looking for the perfect opportunity to taunt me again without seeming too defensive over what happened during lunch so I avoided her usually compelling eyes and went on as if nothing happened.

I was lying here and I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen tomorrow. It was going to be the first day since my sophomore year that I didn't mask my face with the make-up that made me look so...dirty. I was also going to wear something other than my usual short-shorts that showed too much skin for comfort and low-cleavage tank top. A few hours ago, I convinced myself that I should do away with them entirely and threw them away.

I was done being that person, and one thing that definitely had to change was my wardrobe. I was looking at the different outfits that were going into the trash bag, and had to try my hardest not to gag, they were repulsive, but beyond that, embarrassing.

A part of me wanted to believe that I was doing all of this for myself, and myself only, but I knew the truth. I was doing this for Lauren. As much as I wanted to hate her for the things she said, she still captivated my attention, and even her horrible attitude couldn't falter that for some reason.

Maybe she wasn't going to fall in love with me, but I still wanted her respect. I couldn't understand why it was so important to me, but it was. I wanted her to look at me the way the priest had, or Miss Lovato, or Ally.

But besides Lauren, I also wanted my mom to smile at me again. I wanted her to hold me again the way she used to. I wanted her to want to come home to me the way she used to. I always held a grudge against her for so easily shunning me, but when Ally mentioned my parents today in Lunch; I couldn't help but feel a bit guiltier than I already did.

Yes, my parents didn't know about the time I got raped, but that doesn't mean they deserved to have a daughter behave the way I have even if they did stop acknowledging me as their daughter. It would change, it had to.

I looked in the back of my closet, and there I found my dresses and skirts. Clothes that I for so long left untouched but they were beautiful and they made me feel beautiful. A small smile tugged on my lips as I grabbed ahold of them, and I brought them close to my chest.

They smelled like my mom. It was strange how after the time they spent hidden, my mother's scent still lingered. It was a mix of my mom's scent, and our laundry detergent. I tried to stop myself from crying, but I couldn't help but feel the overwhelming sadness that came to me when I remembered how long it had been since I last hugged either of my parents.

They weren't home yet; they left very early in the morning, and came home really late after always finding something to distract them along with Sofia.

Sofia and I weren't as close as we used to be, she was still too young to understand how bad my behavior had been but she knew something was wrong in the way things just weren't the way they used to be.

When I could, I'd sneak into Sofia's room late at night, and sleep alongside of her on her twin-sized bed, and I'd hold her for a while, and I'd whisper stories into her ears to prevent either of my parents from hearing and before morning came, I'd sneak back into my room.

She never knew I did either of those things because I made sure she was always asleep, or else she'd tell my parents after all she was only a little girl who tattle-told without intention of hurting anyone.

If there was one thing I wanted more than anything in the world, it was getting my family back. I wanted them to love me again, at least before I had to leave. I was getting a full-ride scholarship to NYU as long as I didn't mess anything up from here until graduation, and I'd be leaving my Miami home behind.

A part of me was excited and happy to be getting away from the people at school, at times- my family, and as well as the home land of the man who ruined me. I didn't know who he was, or where he was specifically, but he was a Miami resident, that I knew for sure.

Another part of me, though, was afraid to leave. I wasn't so afraid of the distance, I was more afraid of leaving with the anchor of this reputation on me, I had to leave with the assurance that I was no longer known as who I've been, but as who I really am, and I'll do anything to make sure it happens.

The next morning

I woke up extra early for the first time feeling excited to get through the day. I practically ran into my bathroom, and took a quick hot shower.

I felt so much bliss that I danced and sang at the top of my lungs and almost slipped a few times but it didn't matter, today was a new day. Lauren would be impressed. My parents would be impressed, and I didn't have to hide anymore to hug Sofia.

After ten minutes, I got out getting myself and hair dried, so I could make loose curls in it. I walked over to my bed that I quickly made before laying my dress across it that I had ironed last night. I looked at it, and bit my lip.

Once my hair was done, I walked over to my mirror. I looked at my make-up kit, and picked up the more neutral looking colors, and put a basic light shade of blush on my cheeks, lip gloss and a bit of eye liner with mascara.

My face looked more natural, and it made me smile. I slipped on my heels that gave me a more feminine kick rather than my usual slut look, and walked over to the drawer by my bed. I opened it, and it revealed all my old bows.

Gosh, I hadn't worn a bow in so long. I pulled out my white bow and placed it on its former familiar spot, and looked in the mirror. I took a deep breath, and told myself I was ready.

I walked down stairs, extremely nervous, with each step I took. I felt like I was being overly exaggerative with the sound of my steps, but I realized everything was echoing in my ears, even my own breathing. I could hear my parents talking in the kitchen, and Sofia laughing. My heart expanded, and I took the final steps. I took a deep breath, smoothed my dress, and readjusted my bow before walking inside.