Habit

Chapter 28

Lauren knew. Lauren knew as she didn't sleep, instead staying up all night replaying the events of that night, now two weeks ago, in her head. She knew as she prayed that she'd forget. She knew as she applied a thick layer of concealer over her bruises that she never would forget, not as long as the physical reminders were still there. But more than that, she knew she wouldn't forget as long as Camila refused to talk to her. It'd been two weeks, yet Camz still wouldn't speak to her. She refused Lauren's calls, didn't reply to any texts, and forget about seeing Lauren in person. That was Lauren's fault, though. Up until today-her first real day back in school-Lauren hadn't left her bed, had refused food, water, everything. She wouldn't allow her mother in for more than a few minutes at a time, and when Clara tried so much as to say a single word of comfort to Lauren, she screamed bloody murder for the woman to get the hell out. Her sister was afraid of her. Her brother wouldn't say a word about it. And for the most part, none of it really affected Lauren. She needed her space, her time to grieve the loss of something in herself, a simple kind of self-peace she'd had previously but no longer. And she hated herself for grieving over that loss for one reason.

She wasn't even raped.

She had had her beautiful dress torn to shreds. The once beautiful white gown was now bloodied and covered in mud, a slash going down one side, a deep hole plaguing the other. One of her heels broke, too. More than that, she had bruises not only on her face from a few punches thrown when she'd struggled, but also on the insides of her thighs where he'd tried to hold her down just seconds before her cell phone had gone off, letting Camila find her. Lauren could still feel the sharp edge of his kneecaps pressing into her tender skin, the pressure with which he held her down. She could feel the same terror of him on top of her rush through her with the memory, and she placed her hand on her heart, slowing down her breathing intentionally to stop her from having yet another anxiety attack. She'd had three already.

But through all of it, the assault, the bruises, the physical, mental, emotional pain of it all, she knew one thing, one thing that killed her.

Camila was raped. Camila had a reason to feel violated, horrifyingly violated, used, and disturbed in ways that Lauren couldn't understand with even this experience. She'd been terrified herself, she was wishing herself to die under him, knowing she'd rather not live than suffer through something so gruesome. But that's when she really considered the situation in her head, the whole ordeal for Camila, as she lay in bed for those two weeks, milling over the fact that she never once was raped, but felt this horrible, and Camila had to live through it every single day, and she somehow managed to overcome the feelings that Lauren couldn't seem to rid herself of if she tried.

Every time Lauren slept, her dreams were of walls closing in, phones never ringing, Camila never saving the day. She dreamed of lost hope. She dreamed of fatality in beauty, a fairytale gone wrong. So, she tried not to sleep, which only made things worse. Sleep deprivation left Lauren more time to think, more time to suffer through real memories, real exchanges, which were almost but not quite as horrible as her dreams. She slept two hours a night, always waking up on the brink of nightmare. When she didn't sleep, she still lay in bed, sometimes not caring to do anything but stare at her bedroom wall. Sometimes she built up the emotional and physical ability to pick up her phone and dial Camila. She'd call, but never an answer. No short sigh with a cute hey, love bug on the other end. It broke her heart, when she cried and cried and the one person who should have been there for her, her Camila, her girlfriend, the girl she could spend forever with, never picked up the phone.

It made her heart hurt more than she ever thought a blood-pumping organ could.

But it was starting to dawn on Lauren that it wasn't exactly Camila's fault. Lauren willingly left prom with Luke, let him take her, and with that, let him take her away from Camila. She should have never left Camila. But hopefully, hopefully going back to school and seeing Camila for the first time in weeks could change that.