𝐂𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐒𝐑𝐎𝐀𝐃𝐒, b.

[̲̅e][̲̅i][̲̅g][̲̅h][̲̅t] - home sweet train car

i stand under the hot shower water, basking in the stinging sensation that burns my skin. the last time we showered we were at the pool, showering with the freezing cold water. so i really don't mind if this water burns me.

that was a close call back there, i don't want to expose everything about myself to jahseh just yet.

well, that sounds stupid, i already told him about how i was raped, there's definitely  no going back from that.

i sigh softly, trying not to be overcome by my raging thoughts. it's taking everything in me not to let my past cause a throbbing in my head, god i'm surprised i haven't had a stress attack or something yet.

i get through with washing myself and step out of the shower, wrapping a towel around myself and looking at myself in the small motel mirror.

my blonde hair sticks to my face, clumped up by the water, and my skin looks blotchy and red from the scalding hot water. my eyes look a little tired, but bags haven't formed yet.

i look away from myself and fully dry off, then pull my clothes on. i dry my hair off with the towel, examining the strands. 

i should really cut my ends.

i shake it off and gather my old clothes, putting the towel on the towel holder and swinging the bathroom door open.

jahseh eyes snap away from the tv and find mine, as he scans over my appearance. he's already under the covers and has made himself comfortable.

"was the water still hot?" he asks, tilting his head. "yeah." i nod. "really hot, actually, but i didn't mind." i shrug, putting my clothes inside my duffle bag and getting under the covers with him, laying on my side.

facing him.

"what happened back there?" he asks me, and i'm assuming he's talking about when i had that little flashback, just when he was getting out of the shower.

i avert my eyes from his, tracing the pattern of the sheet with my index finger. "i just had some thoughts about my past, that's all. it wasn't anything too extreme, it just popped into my head. i was overthinking a little, about this whole... situation. like, how we're going to get from here to georgia without getting caught."

jahseh nods, "i've been traveling for eight months, and i haven't got caught yet. i've found my way around, whether it be stealing or finessing - i'm not proud of it, but i do what i have to do." he says in a thoughtful voice. "if you want me to be completely honest with you, you're a liability. to my situation. but i can handle the risk. you're gonna be okay with me, as long as you comply with what i say."

my eyes wander back to his, and they're stone cold, black and empty.

"what's behind those eyes?" i ask impulsively, in a low whisper. he squints. "what do you mean?"

"your eyes are always so empty, like there's no life behind them." i elaborate to him. his face softens in understanding, "i don't think of them so much as looking empty, i think of them as being exhausted and drained." he explains. "they've just seen a lot." he sighs, lowering his eyelids slightly, and i can see his body deflate a little.

"sorry for bringing it up." i mumble. he shakes his head, his eyelids still low. "it doesn't matter whether it's spoken about or not, it's always in my head. so it's not your fault."

after a few seconds of comfortable silence, jahseh unexpectedly wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me closer to him, and finally looks me in my eyes.

"what about you?" he asks. "what else is hiding behind those eyes?"

"more than i care to think about." i whisper. "at least, right now."