𝐂𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐒𝐑𝐎𝐀𝐃𝐒, b.

[̲̅t][̲̅h][̲̅i][̲̅r][̲̅t][̲̅e][̲̅e][̲̅n] - flushed

tuesday, august 16th, 2016

billie and jahseh have now known each other for eight days, today being the ninth.

jahseh's left for work a few hours ago, so it's just me by myself in this hotel. i was out on the patio earlier, just observing the scenery and watching things come and go. i've never had time to just sit and contemplate my life like this. i've always been trying to get myself out of whatever hole my brother dug me in, or just trying to figure out my next escape or high.

time fully to myself, alone with my own thoughts, has really opened my eyes to a few things.

one, i am currently on the run with a stranger that i met eight days ago.

two, i really ran away from my fucking childhood home, the place that i've lived in my entire life.

three, my parents are probably going crazy. or not. maybe they wanted me gone.

four, now that i'm gone, they'll be more focused on finneas, and hopefully he'll be caught doing his bullshit.

and five, jahseh and i are to face the challenge of getting from california to georgia without getting caught, literally across the fucking country. and by train.

in all honesty, i'm surprised that jahseh and i have made it this far. we haven't come across anyone that's recognized me - at least as far as we know - and we haven't gotten ourselves into any trouble yet. that time on the train where we almost got caught? that was a real wake up call to how careless we were being. we've got to step up our game, because there's no telling what can happen next, or when that can happen again.

i've had time to evaluate myself and my life, and i'm content with where i am right now, i'd rather risk going across the country with a stranger than stay another day in that fucking house.

calling jahseh a stranger seems a little rude now that i've known him for a little over a week, and he's not a stranger to me anymore. we've gotten to know each other on a deep level, and he's the only person i've opened up to about my assault - excuse me, assaults, plural - besides my parents. out of the two, jahseh was the one that believed me.

i decided against dyeing my hair, because i don't want to do anymore damage to it. besides, dyeing my hair a different color would only draw more attention to me. blonde is my best bet right now. although, my ends to need to be cut.

jahseh has changed my perception on a lot of things. i've never met someone so mature and with such a deep and open way of viewing the world and everything in it. yes, he can be goofy and slick sometimes, but that kid has seen things, and that kid knows things. just listening to him brainstorm or wonder out loud blows my mind, because of all the things he talks about that i'd never dream of brushing across.

he's a genius, a godsend.

and he's made me feel in ways i never did before.

after my brother assaulted me, i never let anyone see me out of my clothes, even in a bra or panties. not even my parents. ever. i rarely even looked at myself in the mirror. everytime i did was disgusted. everytime i went in the shower i scrubbed myself raw because of how violated and repulsed i felt. it was horrible.

but jahseh made me feel different. makes. he makes me feel different.

he's dominant, yes, but that gentle, soft side of him is so attractive, and it only draws me to him even more. when i first met him, he had this very tough exterior and was honestly quite scary. but now he's this big softie that stays up with me late at night and cuddles with me. it's a nice change from the dark, desolate and bleak situation i was at at home.