How it Happened is Irrelevant (Mabbell)

2

A/n: I fEel thE pREssUrE It'S coMInG dOWn oN mE iT's TurNiNG mE blACk aNd BLuE

TJ's POV:

Anxiety was currently coursing through my veins. I'd either made the bravest decision in my life, or I'd made the stupidest. No, I don't trust my now ex girlfriend at all. However, I do trust technology. I trust that the moment that I blocked her after I sent one last message, I stopped her from reading what I'd said. If she had read it, it would be the most blackmail I could possibly get. I would never forgive myself. 

And she was the first person that I'd ever sort-of come out to. I knew that I'd have to admit to it eventually, but ten years still doesn't feel long enough to have been keeping the secret. Though 'reassessing my options' was never really an option, at least it would get me away from that bitch for a while. 

In all honesty, I never really had any feelings for her to begin with. In fact, I can't remember why I even asked her out, much less went on more than one date with her. Maybe she'd seemed different then. Who knows? 

I'm really dropping the ball this time though. I could have gotten myself a nice, cover-story girlfriend who I never thought of as anything more than a friend about a year ago, but I'd thought that I'd regret it. How the tables have turned.

The point still stands, maybe it really is time for those closet doors to open, as scary as that seems. It's not like it's going to change anyone's opinion on me, is it? I mean, that girl from PVRIS is gay and no one hates her for it. In fact, the vast majority of our fanbase is against homophobia anyways. What do I have to be scared of?

Getting viewed differently by the people (person) that actually matter to me, that's what. And now I've practically just released the most explosive grenade to the entire world if anyone has anything to say about it. 

I stared at the messages that I'd kept for hours though. I was sure that everyone else had long since gone to sleep, but I was wide awake. The last line I'd written. The biggest change I'd ever made. I think that I'm gay. Even though I'd said it, no one knew. I was still the only person who had any idea. I think that honestly pissed me off even more. 

"Why are you still up?" I heard someone ask me. I'd closed the curtain over my bunk so that no one would see the light from my phone, but apparently I was wrong. I cracked open the curtain and put my phone down. I couldn't tell who was standing there. 

"Sorry," I whispered. "Is it the light?"

"You keep moving. You're shaking my bunk too," He responded. 

"I am?" I hadn't really noticed. 

"Is something bothering you?"

I recognized the voice of the whisper then. "No," I lied. 

"Alright then. What's wrong?"

"Go away, Craig," I told him. I didn't really want for him to go away, but because I'd asked, he put his down and walked to the front of the bus. It was probably four in the morning, so I've got no idea what he thinks that he's going to do.

Too curiousity-striken to think twice, I got out of my bunk and went to see what on Earth he was doing. He looked me over when I entered the front lounge, and snickered a bit. "You might want to put something else on."

I looked down at myself and immediately went to get day clothes on. 

After having changed, I returned to meet him once more. "What are you doing out here?" I asked, rubbing my eyes. I don't know why I did that though; I was wide awake. 

"I don't want to try to sleep anymore. Besides, knowing that you're in distress pains my conscience."

"Really?" I asked it a bit too hopefully.

"No, not really. I just would rather play video games than sleep."

"What game?"

"Mario Kart."

"The original?"

"You're not playing with me." He shook his head. Every time we played classic Mario Kart, I beat him by a whole lap somehow. If we played literally any other game, he would win. However, it's just this game in particular that he just can't seem to beat me at. 

"Why not? Maybe this'll be your time."

"Nope. I want to try it against the computers."

"That's boring. AI from the eighties fucking sucked."

"Language!" He scolded, though he sounded sarcastic. "There are children about!"

"'Children about'?" I questioned.

"Yes, there are probably a bunch of fans camping out around here." He moved closer to me so that he could whisper in my ear. "They're always around here."

"And every single one of them has counted and listed every time they've heard you say fuck."

"Have they now?" He moved back, raising one of his eyebrows.

"Yes. I'm sure of it." I grabbed the second Nintendo controller despite the fact that I'd been told that I was forbidden from joining in the game. A part of me wanted to just let him win so that he'd actually willingly let me join him next time, but then again, there is no fun in that. 

Despite initial protests, Craig posed no further obstacle when the race began. We were both quiet for a while, and finally the thing that had been causing me so much pain for so long just sort of awkwardly slipped out. "I'm gay."

At first there was no response. I wondered if I'd made a mistake. Either that or he'd think that I was joking. "Is that's what's been bothering you?"

Not exactly. "Yes."

"Have you told anyone else?"

Almost. "No."

I realized then that I'd stopped accelerating in the game. I was just sort of staring at the screen, wondering what would happen if I did nothing. 

"Are you going to tell anyone else?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to tell anyone else?"

"No."

"Why not?" He finished the race by almost two laps. Now he was actually looking at me. 

"I feel like it's stupid that I have to announce it. Why can't I just......do it?" Because I don't want to be gay. 

I could tell that he wanted to say something cliché like 'I understand,' but he didn't. He just nodded his head. 

"So.... " I was expecting this to be a lot harder. 

"So what?" 

"You're okay with this? " 

"Why wouldn't I be? I mean, it makes no difference to me who you date. " He cringed. "Just as long as you don't find a dude that was anything like your old girlfriend. " 

I chuckled. "I promise not to do that. " 

"What did you think? However you feel about your sexual pursuits is irrelevant. You're still a great guitarist, and a pretty awesome dude. " 

I felt a heat rise to my cheeks. "O-okay." 

"What's everyone getting up at the crack of dawn for? " Thrasher asked, entering the room. He looked at the screen. "Mario Kart?! Listen, Craig, I don't care how early it is you're not- holy shit you won, " He whispered the last part. 

"I got sidetracked." I looked over. "We're racing again. This one doesn't count. "