How it Happened is Irrelevant (Mabbell)

20

A/n: Craig and Max. God this picture is old^

TJ's POV:

For the first time in a long time, I didn't have that dream. I didn't know how to take that. When I woke up, Craig was already awake. Either that or he didn't sleep at all. I pretended not to notice the ever-increasing dark circles under his eyes. "Bonne matinée, mon cher," I whispered to him, leaning up towards him to leave little kisses on his neck. 

"Doesn't that technically mean that you're leaving?" Craig asked.

"We are French. We are speaking the language of love. We do not concern ourselves with technicalities." I sat up. 

He snorted and shook his head. "You're cute." He ruffled my hair. In that moment, that being the most inconvenient of moments, I had a reality check. I remembered the reason why I'd resisted doing any of this for so long. It all came rushing back. My facial expression must've flickered for a moment, because Craig looked concerned. "What's wrong?"

"This feels wrong," I confessed. I hoped he wouldn't press.

"Is it your parent's morals?" He cocked his head, reading my mind.

"I don't wanna talk about it." My head turned away from him.

"Fine." He hesitated. "But I do have to ask something." He drummed his fingers on the bedding.

"What is it?" I sighed.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Stop what?"

"Everything."

My eyes grew wide as I realized what he was asking. "No! No! I want it! It's just that...."

"You feel guilty for it," He finished for me. 

"Exactly."

"Can I ask you something about your love life?"

"I guess so." I looked at him.

"Have you ever actually been in a homosexual relationship before?"

I thought back a long time. "Once, it was pretty brief. We weren't made for each other. I wasn't ready for it, either."

"Not ready?"

"I just couldn't stand the idea that what I was doing was wrong. It drove him insane."

"But that's just it. It's not wrong."

"How can you say that? I've read the damn book cover to cover!"

"Faith is relative to the eyes of the believer. If you see a god who hates those that do what is considered quote-on-quote 'wrong,' then you'll get a group of religious zealots who don't practice what they preach. If you see a god who's loving and cares about the people that he brought into this world, then you'd have some really great people."

"And what if the zealots are right?"

"Then I guess we'll get to spend eternity in Hell together. If that's the case, you'd better not hate me if this doesn't work out or the band breaks up."

"Shit! I never thought of that," I bit my nails. Romantic involvement with a member of the band leads to downfall. 

"Well then we'll make a promise. If this ends, we can't ever hate each other."

"I promise." I laid back onto his chest, where apparently I'd fallen asleep before. "Hey, Craig?" I shifted my arms. "Can you maybe play with my hair again? " 

"Oh, sure, sure. " He slowly ran his fingers through it. It was a quiet sensation, but a nice one. Really calms the nerves. 

Someone pounded on the door in that moment. I guess nothing can last for even thirty seconds. I sighed and got up to answer it. Might I add that I did this despite the 'Do not Disturb' sign on the door. "Who is it?" I asked before opening it. 

"Your mother. Now open the door!" A voice that sounded like Max's answered. I opened it and he looked me over. "Why aren't you dressed yet?" He gestured to my shorts. 

"Because it's only nine in the morning?" I raised an eyebrow. "Where's the fire, dude?" He seemed anxious about something. 

"I-I-I need a cigarette." His hands were trembling. 

"Don't you have some?"

"Give me one dammit!" He ordered. I nodded, raising my hands innocently. I went back into the room to find the bag that I'd put my cigarettes in. I threw him the box, and he lit one despite the rule against it. "Can I come in?" 

I looked at Craig, who shrugged. I nodded, making the decision for him. "What's the matter with you?"

He closed the door behind him, taking a long drag before answering. "Sobriety is hard," He confessed. "I just can't deal with Robert panicking that I'm gonna have a relapse right now. It's hard enough keeping myself clean. But him talking about it just makes it that much worse." 

"I understand," Craig told him. "You don't have any way to make it happen, though. Do you?"

"I guess I could just abuse over-the-counter drugs. I don't have anything hard though." I hadn't really been here when Max was high. I wondered what he was like when he was like that. Craig certainly seemed to know though. He treated Max like he was his little brother. It was somewhere between sweet and admirable. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Craig's voice was sugar-coated. A sharp pang of jealousy filled my stomach. I pushed it aside. 

"I just feel like I always interrupt the two of you."

I bit my lip. "What do you mean?" I pretended not to know. I personally didn't really mind anyone knowing at this point. Craig and I weren't really anything official, but the band should at least have some insight to what we're doing. On the other hand, it seemed the the former party disagrees with me. 

"I know what's going on. I'm not an idiot. Kevin thinks you're just hooking up, but I know. Don't let me get in the way of something that's been a long time coming."

"You're not a burden," Craig spoke before I could counter Max's argument. "We wouldn't have let you in if you were a burden."

"I'm gonna go get dressed," I mumbled, realizing the my company wasn't needed.