How it Happened is Irrelevant (Mabbell)

14

"Did you hear Falling In Reverse's new demo?" TJ asked me the following morning. I'd ended up not sleeping at all last night, but I did get ninety-nine percent on Through the Fire and Flames. 

"No," I shook my head, yawning. 

"You should totally listen to it. It's really good." He handed me a flash drive, and then sat next to me, resting his chin on my shoulder. "I barely saw you at all yesterday."

"I'm sorry." I was still contemplating Ronnie's advice, so I didn't want him to start kissing me again and confuse me. Unfortunately, he did kiss my cheek, but that doesn't mean much of anything. 

"I guess it's okay. We're getting a hotel room tomorrow anyways."

"Wait, we? As in we're sleeping together?"

"That's what we've been doing for almost the last three years. What's the problem with it now?" Correction, he's been sleeping with two pillows that I'd stacked to pretend that I was still there while I went out and either drank like crazy or, when I was feeling really ambitious, went looking for cheap sex. 

"I guess you're right." It just felt different now. Now he was going to expect me to actually sleep there. He pulled on a strand of my hair. 

"Hey guys- Am I interrupting?" Max asked, coming back from outside with a cup of coffee in one of his hands. 

TJ let go of my hair and moved away from me. "You're not interrupting," He sighed.

"What's wrong?" I asked him. 

"First of all, do you know how hard it is to go out and get a fucking coffee these days? It's 'can I get a picture with you' this and 'can you sign this' that."

"Yeah, but we love 'em," I smiled slightly, thinking about our particularly invasive fans. 

"I guess you're right," He sighed. "Secondly," He dropped his voice, "can I talk to you for a sec, Craig?" He looked at TJ. "Just you?" I nodded, and the latter left the room, seeing that his presence was a burden. "Have you ever seen the devil?"

I thought for a moment. This was a dark turn, even for Max. "Once," I confessed. "It was a long time ago."

"And what happened?"

"He told me that submission was my best asset, and I realized then that I wasn't the person that I wanted to be anymore. And every day is a constant battle."

"And what if you couldn't resist?"

"Are you relapsing?" I asked him. 

"Sometimes it feels easier to just be a slave to substance than to stay this way." He looked up at the ceiling, and then took a sip of his coffee. 

"If you want to stay, then you have to stay sober. You've been going for this long. Don't give up now."

He smiled sadly. "You have no idea what it's like to be a fuck-up." I was taken aback. "TJ's right. You just show up and everyone loves you. No one knows how much work goes into anything we do. Everyone knows I'm like this though. Everyone knows that I'm the loser who couldn't stop making the same mistakes over and over."

"No one thinks that you're a loser-"

"Prove it! Prove to me that no one ever asked where the fuck I was or if I was just strung out again!"

"I never knew that you took these things to heart."

"You don't pay attention much, do you? You never paid attention."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"The fact that you don't know is the problem in it of itself. Why did I come to you for advice?"

"I really don't know."

"You know you're the only who's stayed after all this time? Act like Robert doesn't freak out or trust that I'm not gonna get high again."

"He's only looking out for you because he cares," I justified. 

"Sometimes it honestly feels like he's the only one left."

"You don't seriously mean that."

"Of course I do! You were my best friend! You were my brother! And you replaced me with-"

"You're jealous of TJ?!"

"How can I not be?!"

"Wow, that's really childish of you." I crossed my arms. "And to think that I was talking to you the whole time you decided to get clean. It's painful to see that you've fallen this low."

"Fuck that!" He fell on the ground in a pathetic heap. "F-f-fuck you."

I immediately dropped to my knees apologetically. "I never meant to hurt you. No one wants for you to leave. Please don't relapse."

"There's something that I have to tell you," He told me, looking up once more. He reached into his pocket and his hand shook as he revealed a pill bottle without a label on it. "It's not mine," He insisted.

"Then where did you get it?"

"I found it in TJ's pillow."

"Why were you looking in TJ's pillow?" I raised an eyebrow.

"It had fallen on the floor, so out of courtesy, I decided to put it back on his bunk for him. When I picked it up, I heard the jingling of pills. I went through it and found this lodged in between the fabric on the inside of his pillow."

"Do you know what they are?" I asked, taking the pill bottle and opening it. 

"It's hard to say. There are a lot of white pills. It could literally only be Tylenol."

"Have you noticed him acting different?"

"Not really. I mean, if he is, he's not really showing it. Unless he's only getting high at night."

"Then we'll throw them away." I closed the bottle and looked it over again. "Are you sure you haven't seen anything?"

"I'm positive. I haven't even heard the bottle shaking either."

I hoped that it was nothing. I don't think that anyone in this band could afford to go through another junkie. It would be the end of us.