How it Happened is Irrelevant (Mabbell)

11

Craig's POV: 

Memories of what had happened between TJ and I haunted me. Now I understand how Anakin felt. I knew that he'd been catching 'feelings' for a while, but I didn't know it was this bad. All I could feel was his calloused fingers rubbing up against the nape of my neck and into my hair. I guess I did ask for it to happen, but the thought of me and him together gives me this strange feeling in my gut. We could be best friends. Why would I want anything more than that?

It's gotta be the way he tastes.

Everything about that moment felt wrong. I feel like he was overexcited. I guess I've never been with anyone like that before. There was passion, there was lust, there was the delicate art of the confession of love. But it was too heavy. It was way too heavy. 

People have spoken about this feeling before in novels that I've read. That intense feeling of not knowing. That feeling of falling. The weight of emotion is just too much to handle so you give it up entirely. It's a dangerous thing. 

It's quite interesting to think about, really. To think that after all this time I've never understood this feeling. Every time I vociferated on it, I felt dizzy again. Hopefully this ends soon. It's been almost two weeks, I can't live like this forever. Especially if I'm going to be stuck with TJ for almost three more weeks. 

It was as though the day knew exactly how I felt, because even in the winter time, the air was particularly hot and heavy in southern Florida. The humidity was almost unbearable. We'd all made it our goal to find the most air-conditioned place possible. So I was currently hanging out at some obscurely named coffee shop, enjoying the free wifi and the silent atmosphere. The door opened and Max entered. I wanted to hide and make myself small. He'd said he was going to pretend like he hadn't seen what had happened, but judging by the look on his face, he wanted to talk about something with me. 

Despite my desperate wishes to be invisible, he found me pretty easily. "You're a difficult guy to track down," He said, breathless as though he'd been running here.

"Not really. Just follow the sounds of the screaming fans," I chuckled. I love them to death, but sometimes I just wish that I could go somewhere and not be recognized. 

"Yeah, okay. I've been looking for you all morning."

"What do you need to tell me so badly?" I asked.

"I didn't see it, I mean, not really, but are you and TJ-?" He made gestures with his hands and furrowed his brow as though he was looking for the right words.

"Together?" I filled in for him, not wanting this to become an overly long conversation. 

"Yes."

"Did he say that we were?"

"Funny that you should mention that." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I can't find him anywhere either."

"Might I remind you that here in the twenty-first century, when you want to find someone, you shoot them a text message and ask?" I drummed my fingers on the table.

"I tried, but then my phone died," He insisted. "You still haven't answered my question."

"It's complicated," I sighed. "We're not really together. It's just something that happened last night."

"It really didn't look like that."

"You keep your mouth shut." I pointed an aggressive finger at him. "You can't let this get out to anyone, you hear?" Part of me wanted to keep it a secret so that I wouldn't have to come out, and another part of me wanted to keep it a secret so that TJ wouldn't have to come out (to anyone else), and a third part of me wanted to keep it a secret because I can't even sort out my own brain right now. 

"I understand." He might have said this, but I really don't think that he does understand. 

That evening, I stole one of Max's cigarettes (I wanted to steal one of TJ's, since he doesn't smoke as often, but I couldn't find his). I'd never done this before, but I figured that it was time I tried something different. I was told that it was supposed to create a sort of relief for the user. I'll take any relief that I can get at this point in all honesty. 

I went outside of the bus, and was attacked by the immediate line of people surrounding me. What does it take to be alone around here? I guess that I can't complain though. I do love my life. I went through the awkward process of talking a little bit here, taking a picture or two there, and shaking a few hands before I was out of the crowd. From there, I got as far away from the scene as I could while still being within walking distance of the bus. 

"What are you doing here?" A voice asked from behind me. Initially, I honestly thought that it was Ronnie, but it turned out to be the very person who I was running away from. 

"I wanted-" I was about to tell him about how I wanted to try to smoke, but decided that that sounded stupid. Instead, I lit the cigarette, tried to get a drag, and ended up just coughing and sputtering instead. 

Even in the near darkness, I could still see TJ raise an eyebrow. "You wanted to smoke?" He reached into his pocket and took out his own cigarette, which he lit and then smoked gracefully. 

"How do you manage to look so hot when you do that?" I asked him.

He chuckled. "It's a blessing and a curse." He took another drag and then I tried, failing miserably once more. "You're holding your breath for too long," He told me. "Just suck it in, and breathe it out."

Simple instructions, really. I did as he told me to, and didn't cough as much. "I don't like it."

"The taste?"

"It's gross." I dropped the cigarette and stomped it out.

"I get that." He put his own cigarette at his side, but somehow managed to not burn a hole in his clothes. He put his fingers under my chin and pulled my head down a small bit. (He's shorter than me, so this is....weird.) "What's the matter?"

My brain did that thing again, where it started clouding and my pulse exceeded that which it normally should ever go. It was everything I could do to keep even my breathing steady. "Nothing's wrong," I said with certainty, or at least all that I could muster. 

"If you say so." He dropped his hand, but I grabbed his arm, not really thinking about what I was doing. He dropped his cigarette, and our lips met for a moment. Well....maybe a little bit more than a moment. I could taste the cigarette that he'd just been smoking, but for some reason, it was really good on him. My knees were starting to give out, and then he pulled away from me. 

If you've ever felt a wave crashing over your head while you're trying to bodyboard for the first time, that single moment where you can't hear anything, or see anything, and you feel alone like you're body and the ocean are the only thing in the world, then you know what the feeling that I'm having is right now. 

I just can't figure out how to stop this stupidly powerful sensation.