How it Happened is Irrelevant (Mabbell)

25

"YOU DID THIS!!" Craig shouted, shoving his phone at me. Between the light and him shouting at me, my head was bound to split into a thousand pieces. 

"Shhh-" I looked at the screen, reading only the headline and viewing the image. 

Craig Mabbitt and TJ Bell: Best Friends or Boyfriends?
Last night, we caught these two walking back for bus call. But you'll never believe what happened.

I stopped reading. "No one's gonna believe this," I told him.

"But they do. There's speculation everywhere. We're the scene's hottest topic."

I wanted to say something cheeky like 'Well, you are pretty hot,' but Craig seemed too upset for that. "Can I at least get out of my bunk before we talk about this?" 

He stepped aside, allowing me out, but that was all of the let up that I got. "You just couldn't help yourself could you?"

"What's going on?" Max asked, coming back into the bunk area.

"You were just too drunk to think straight!" Craig scolded me. "You promised me! You told me only behind closed doors. Your smoke and mirrors are too much to take, TJ!"

"My smoke and mirrors?" I almost laughed. "Might I remind you that you didn't push me off. You didn't tell me to stop. You were fine with it until you found out that people knew. Why do you want to hide me?"

"I don't want to hide you!"

"Never once have I felt like you weren't embarrassed to be seen with me! Ever since we've.....been doing this......you hide from me in public! You do everything you can to keep your distance. You just can't have anyone guessing anything!"

"You don't understand-"

"And you were drunk too!" I plowed on. "How can you accuse me of something when you've got the same blood on your hands?!"

"I can't be here right now," Craig grumbled, storming through the front of the bus and off of it. I went to follow him but I felt a hand on my shoulder. 

"Let him go," Robert told me. "Just let him go." I struggled against his grip. "He'll be back, but give him some time. Just let him go." He released his grip on me and I pulled away. 

"So the news finally caught up to you?" Kevin asked. Robert, Max, and him all had their attention on me. "You never even told us."

"I wanted to!" I defended myself. "Craig wanted to keep everything a secret though. He told me that he wanted to sort himself out first."

"That's why you were panicking about what to wear that one day," He recalled.

"Kinda," I shrugged. "But we aren't anything official. We went out a few times and that was pretty much it."

"You two are idiots, you know that?" Max began. "You know how romantic involvement gets in this industry. You can't do that with your bandmates."

"I know it's selfish. I know." The thought of it stressed me out. 

"Well, it only adds to the crazy history that we've got," Robert sighed. "It really can't get any worse."

After three hours, Craig still wasn't back. I was beginning to worry. My phone buzzed against the wall of my bunk. At least I think that it was mine. I can't really be sure. I checked it and was surprised to find a text from my mother. Hadn't she disowned me when I ran away to join Motionless in White? 

How did I end up with a son like you? You already
ruined everything getting this fake job. Now I find 
out you're in a same-sex relationship? I wish that 
I'd swallowed you. I wish that you were never born.

I put it back down and took a deep breath. Her words cannot get to me. She shouldn't matter to me. She doesn't matter to me. I slowly found a pack of cigarettes, some matches, and went out to find Craig.

It probably took another two hours before I finally found him. By now, I was tired, hungry, and done. I was really done. I ran with all of the energy that I had left, making sure he saw me before he'd cross the street. Getting his attention would be easy, it would just be a matter of making sure that we wouldn't just end up fighting again. So, I didn't speak. I simply sat down on the curb, lit a cigarette, and waited. 

"I don't want to talk to you," Craig told me. "Why did you come here?" His question hung in silence. "So you're not talking to me?" He started to pace, growing frustrated. I wished I could smile at how much I was driving him crazy, but I couldn't bring myself to. "I'm sorry. I really like you, really. I don't mean to keep you a secret, but this is so weird for me. I don't know what to expect or why I feel certain things. I'm sorry." At my silence, he grew even more frustrated, stopping his pacing and bending down to look me in the eyes. I didn't meet his gaze. "Answer me, dammit! Say something! Do something!" I brought my cigarette to my lips, but he took it away from me, giving me a quick, chaste, attention-seeking kiss on the lips. I didn't return it, but when I blinked, a tear fell from my eye. I don't cry often, so I wanted to hide the tear from Craig immediately. He pulled away, spying it before I could rub it away. "Oh, God. What've I done?"

"It wasn't you," I finally whispered in response. I reached for my cigarette, hands trembling like mad. He gave it back to me and I took a long drag before I continued. "She said she wished I was never born," I told him. "My mom read the arti- ah, fuck." I rubbed my eyes again as a few more tears spilled from them. I took another drag, almost burning myself with the end of my cigarette from how badly my hands were shaking.  

"Don't cry for her," Craig scolded me. "Don't cry for someone who doesn't even want you to exist. If you cry, she wins."

"I'm not three," I snapped. His look of surprise caused me to look away from him again. "Sorry," I mumbled. He laced our fingers. "Did you mean it when you said you were sorry?"

"I meant it. I was gonna come back soon, honest. We're celebrities, as much as I wanna hide this stuff, I really can't. And you were right. You weren't the only one with cards in your hands." 

"She hates me and you weren't there," I complained, feeling silly. I was acting like a child. Honestly, TJ, get a grip. 

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't think that this would happen, honestly!"

"No, no. I should be able to take care of myself." I tried to let go of his hand, but he didn't release his grip. 

"I missed your callouses," He whispered.  

"You've only been gone five hours."

"Fine then. I like them."

I snorted. After I put my cigarette back in my mouth, I reached over and put one of my fingers through one of Craig's gauges. I pulled away immediately. "I've always wanted to do that," I said, removing the cigarette from my lips once more. 

He shook his head. "You sure you're twenty-five?" 

"Some days it's harder to tell," I sighed.