"Hey Case how was your weekend?" Devon asked as I plopped down in my chair at work. He stood, leaning against the wall of my cubicle, his blue eyes searching me.
"Um long" I answered as I powered up my computer, "how was yours?"
"Boring" he shrugged. "Did you hear there's talks of a promotion?"
"No!" I turned to him, my interest piqued. This seemed to please him. He took a step towards me and leaned against my desk.
"Yeah, Darcy is moving, so the Senior Analyst position is opening up!"
"That's great!" I exclaimed, "you'll probably get it."
Devon shook his head, "nah, they like you more than me, I'm not as professional" he laughed.
I took in his blond spiked hair, his distressed jeans and vintage Ramones t-shirt. He did look more like he was heading to a frat party and not a business meeting.
"You just need to dress the part" I pointed out.
"I'm sorry but not all of us can pull of the business casual like you" he teased, gesturing to my pencil skirt and white frilly blouse.
I smiled and turned to my computer. As I started typing Devon cleared his throat. "So, we're all going for drinks tonight after work, would you uh, wanna join us?"
I kept my gaze on my computer, "I can't."
"C'mon Casey, you gotta live a little!" he pleaded.
My mom's words rang in my head again. I took a deep breath in and breathed out. "Okay" I said, still staring at my screen.
"Okay?" he was surprised.
"Okay" I reassured.
"Okay" he said more to himself, smiling as he returned to his cubicle next to mine.
"You can do this. You can do it Casey" I muttered to myself as I powered down my computer and packed up my things. I've had to stop my self from canceling with Devon multiple times through out the day. If I want to feel normal again then I need to take that first step. And that first step apparently, is getting drinks with my co workers.
"You ready?" Devon asked, as we both walked to the elevators.
"Yeah, where are we going anyways?" I asked.
"It's a cool little bar just a few blocks from here. You can just follow me" he explained.
As we drove, I tried to run through all the bars I knew of in the area. My heart skipped when I realized the direction we were heading in. I pulled my car in front of Lucky's next to Devon's black BMW. It made my old Nissan Note look insignificant. I remained in my car and stared out the windshield.
Devon knocked on my window, "you coming?"
I took a few deep breaths, "put yourself out there Casey" I said to myself.
Stepping out my car, Devon smiled, "are you okay?"
"Yep" I lied, "where's everyone else?" I asked, hoping it wasn't going to be just me and Devon.
"They're inside" he answered and then held the door open for me. I searched the bar looking for anyone I knew. Thankfully, I only saw that waitress Amber, from the other night.
"Over there" Devon gestured to a booth in the back where there were two people already sitting. I recognized them from work, but I don't think I've ever talked to them other than for work related reasons. The only reason I ever talked to Devon, was because of proximity. We were the only financial analysts in the company, so we had to work side by side a lot.
"Hey everyone, you know Casey?" Devon introduced me while taking a seat and I sat down next to him.
"Hi Casey" a pretty girl with red curly hair and brilliant green eyes smiled.
"Hey! Riley right?" I asked completely unsure if that was her name.
She laughed, "you remembered!" To be honest, if it weren't for her fiery hair, I'd probably forget. She worked in the marketing department so we don't run into each other often.
I smiled, she was very sweet. I think Rachel would like her. I know she'd love to use Riley as one of her models for her side photography business she started last year.
"I'm Josh" a man with brown hair and blue eyes reached over to shake my hand.
"Hi Josh" I shook his hand and he smiled revealing his dimples. My mind immediately went to Andrew. I searched the room again, thankful he was no where to be seen. Maybe he was off today. I didn't really know his schedule. While Josh was handsome, his dimples didn't have the same effect on me as Andrew's did.
"So, have you guys ordered anything?" Devon asked.
"No we were waiting for you" Riley beamed at Devon.
Devon didn't look up from the his menu, "Casey what do you drink?" he asked, seeming oblivious to Riley's obvious admiration.
"Umm I—" I began, when a clear Smirnoff bottle was set down in front of me, and a pitcher of beer and three mugs were set in the middle of the table.
I didn't look up, too afraid to see his face.
"We didn't order anything" Riley kindly pointed out.
"It's on the house" a woman's voice answered. I looked up to see Amber smiling before she walked away.
I turned to glance at the bar and my heart leapt into my throat. Andrew stood there staring at me, his arms folded across his chest, and smiled.
"Do you know the bartender?" Devon leaned over and asked, pulling me from my focus at the bar.
"Um, yeah he's my cousin's roommate. He owns the place" I replied quietly, my eyes locked in on my drink.
"Well damn, looks like you need to join us more often" Josh chimed in while filling up a mug for himself. I mustered up the most sincere smile I could and looked down at my hands.
I don't understand why Andrew still tries with me. I've shut the door on him, literally and figuratively. Yet here he is, doing what he does best. Being kind and thoughtful. I peeked at the bar again and saw him talking to Amber. He looked at me and I quickly looked away, hoping he didn't notice.
"Casey?" Riley called out
"Huh?" I turned back to the table.
"I was asking if you were gonna apply for the Senior Analyst position?" Riley clarified.
"Oh! Um, I don't know. I'm not sure I'm qualified" I replied.
"She's being modest" Devon added.
I smiled, "I think Devon should apply!" I tried to move the conversation off me and to him.
"Devon?" Josh guffawed.
"Yeah, Devon and leadership don't mix" Riley teased.
Devon put his hands up in defense, "hey I'm nothing but consistent."
They all laughed and continued to banter about work and the different co workers they deal with. I didn't know most of the names they mentioned, but I smiled and nodded to convey interest.
After less than a couple of hours and a few more rounds, we decided to call it a night.
"Can I walk you to your car?" Devon leaned in and asked, his body was positioned closer than usual.
I took a small step back, trying to find a way out. "I'm actually uh, going to thank the bartender for the drinks, I'll see you tomorrow?"
Devon's face fell, "oh yeah, that's a good idea. I'll see you tomorrow!"
"See you tomorrow!" I smiled. Devon walked out and I turned to grab my purse.
"How was everything?" I heard Andrew ask from behind me. I froze for a moment before turning to face him. He had that look on his face, the confused hurt one as he looked down at me.
He was wearing a black t-shirt and black pants that almost made him look intense, but the softness of his eyes and his dimples when he smiled contradicted that.
"Good, thank you" I said looking away from his gaze and then started for the door.
He stopped me before I could get past him, his hand held my arm and the heat from his touch sent shivers down my body.
Andrew looked at his hand and immediately dropped it as if he didn't realize what he was doing. "Sorry, I just I wanted to know if you're okay" he explained while looking down at the ground.
I grabbed the part of my arm that he touched, trying to replace the feeling of his hand with my own. "I'm great!" I lied. "Um, thank you for the drinks, my co workers really appreciated it".
Andrew smiled, no he was beaming and then he shoved his hands in his pockets. "Co workers?"
"Yeah, why?" I sounded offended, what else would they be?
"No, I just thought maybe you were on a double date or something" he admitted.
"Oh" was the only response I could muster. I nodded and quickly walked past Andrew and out the door.
Why would I be on a double date? What would make him even think that? And why would he be so happy that I'm not? My heart raced as I quickly ran through these thoughts in my head. I drove home not even quite realizing how I got there.
"What's up party girl?" Rachel teased as I walked in. Her and Jack were watching tv on the couch with Lola curled up next to her. Lola immediately sat up and ran to me.
"Hi my little Lolita!" I exclaimed as I sat on the floor and pet her. "What do you mean by 'party girl'? I asked Rachel.
"Well it's after nine on a Monday, and you're just getting home" she pointed out.
"That and Andrew said you were at the bar" Jack added.
"Babe!" she hissed quietly.
Jack just shrugged.
"Uh yeah I decided to get drinks with some people at work" I admitted.
"Drinks huh? Is that what we're calling it?" Jack teased wagging his brow.
Rachel rolled her eyes, "I'm happy for you Case! You put yourself out there!"
"Yeah it was nice" I stated, only partly lying. It was nice to be out, but overwhelming at the same time.
Rachel smiled like she really was proud of me. "I'm gonna go to bed now, don't wanna party too hard" I joked.
Lola followed me to my room and I fell back into my bed. She climbed up and began licking my face. "Lola!" I exclaimed and wiped her droll off. I rolled onto my stomach and began rubbing her belly, her favorite spot
I replayed my night again in my head, just like I do every time. I over analyzed my words and my reactions. Cringed at how crazy I must have looked to Riley when I was so focused on Andrew that I didn't even hear her talk to me.
I thought about Andrew's hand on my arm, and his smile when he found out I wasn't on a date. My mind drifted to his brown eyes and how they seemed to sparkle every time he looked at me. My heart raced at the thought,and I immediately sat up, startling Lola next to me.
"Dammit Casey" I muttered. I picked up my phone and scrolled through my old text messages with Scott. Something I've done a countless amount of times now.
I read his words over and over. Even the simple ones like, "I'm here!" or "we'll see". I practically have the messages memorized, but it felt different reading them, as if he just sent them to me. Seeing his name on the screen brought me comfort.
Switching to my pictures, I scrolled through the hundreds of images I have of Scott saved in an album. After a few moments, I switched to my recent pictures.
I swiped through the ones I've taken of Lola. That seemed to be the only pictures I had taken since I got her two Christmases ago.
I found the one Rachel took when I first opened the box she was in. I thought back to that day, how surprised I was. It was my first Christmas since Scott passed and I wasn't planning on leaving my bed.
While I began picking up the pieces of my life, the holidays just reminded me of how broken I still was. My mom canceled her Christmas Eve-Eve party, and drove down to be with me. She tried her best to cheer me up, while Rachel did everything to make our apartment seem festive and fun.
When I refused to participate in any of the Christmas activities they had planned, I think they became desperate. My mom had to literally drag me out of bed and set me on the couch.
Everyone was in the living room waiting: Peter, Caleb, Jenny, Jack, Rachel and Andrew all watching me. On the coffee table was a big box with red and green wrapping paper, a big red bow and holes punched in the top.
"You gotta at least open your present!" Rachel pressed.
"Guys, really you don't have—" I started.
"No, we don't wanna hear it!" Caleb interrupted and then pushed me forward towards the gift, "trust me, you are gonna wanna open it" he insisted.
I took in a deep breath, and hesitantly lifted the lid. I didn't deserve a gift, I didn't deserve to be happy right now.
"C'mon!" Jenny encouraged.
I finally removed the lid and looked down into the box. My heart stopped when I saw the little tan and black pug curled up on a small doggy bed.
Tears sprang to eyes immediately when this little puppy jumped up, it's tiny tail wagging. I reached in and grabbed her, bringing her to my chest. She literally fit into the palm of my hand.
"You guys?" I looked around, barely able to speak. Everyone just smiled at me.
"It's a girl" Andrew stated quietly.
"She's perfect" I choked out.
