Between my promotion at work and preparing for the big day, I feel like I haven't had a minute to relax.
"How does it look?" I asked Rachel, Jenny and Dani as I walked out in my pale yellow bridesmaid dress. I had one last fitting before the wedding and I asked the girls to come with me for their approval.
"Wow Case, when you said yellow I was worried, but this is gorgeous!" Rachel flattered.
"Aw thanks Rach!" I blushed, twirling the dress.
"Really it's beautiful!" Dani added, already a little teary eyed. "Oh I'm gonna cry so much at this wedding I know it!" We all laughed, Dani was always so excited.
"So, you think we will be coming back again soon for your wedding Jen?" Rachel asked.
"Uhh, if Caleb ever decides to freaking ask me. I've been dropping hints left and right!"
"I'm sure he'll figure it out soon!" Dani encouraged.
Jenny rolled her eyes, "he better!"
"What about you Rach? You think you and Jack will ever tie the knot?" Jenny asked.
"I hope not!" Rachel laughed, "marriage really isn't my thing. Although it does provide a lot of business."
"I can't wait to get married!" Dani exclaimed.
"How are things going on the Andrew front?" Rachel asked.
Dani's demeanor dropped, "ugh, that guy is stubborn!"
"Wait, you're trying to date Andrew?" Jenny was surprised.
"'Trying' being the operative word" Dani said using air quotes. I sat down on one of the little white couches next to the girls. Not entirely sure if I wanted to stand while Dani talks about her plans to win Andrew.
"Does Andrew know you're trying to date him?" Jenny added to her question.
"I mean, I haven't exactly been subtle you know?"
"Well, he works at a bar, women are probably constantly throwing themselves at him" I mumbled, not sure why I was helping in this situation. I started biting my nails, maybe that will keep me quiet.
"True" Dani and Rachel both said.
"Yeah, you know I did throw myself at him pretty hard and the man wouldn't budge. Maybe you need to do the opposite" Rachel concluded.
"Maybe, what do you think Jenny? You live with the guy! What's his deal?"
"Umm" Jenny was hesitant, "Andrew is a committed kind of guy. When he is in love, he gives it everything he has" she glanced at me then back to Dani.
"I know! That's why I need him to fall in love with me!" Dani exclaimed.
Jenny laughed, "you gotta understand, he's been through a lot. I mean didn't anyone tell you what Leah did?"
I flinched at the thought. It still made me so angry that Leah strung Andrew along for years. That would be enough to give anyone trust issues, then add the fact that I've been pushing him away without an explanation.
"I mean, I know they broke up after graduation, but what did she do?" Dani inquired.
"She cheated on him, for a while actually. The only reason she stayed with him was because she didn't want to deal with how awkward it would have been seeing him around."
Dani's jaw dropped, "what is wrong with that woman!"
Jenny shrugged, "It's hard, Andrew wanted a future that she didn't want anymore. Now, I don't by any means condone what she did, but I think he is better off."
"Yes, cause now I may actually have a shot!" Dani cheered.
"I'm hungry, can we go eat?" I asked, desperate to be done with this conversation.
"Yes! I'm starving, let's go!" Rachel agreed.
Once I changed back into my regular clothes, we headed to a fancy Italian restaurant to eat. I was more than excited to load up on carbs after our conversation at the bridal shop.
"Mmm breadsticks" I sounded as I took a bite of the warm soft bread. Almost as comforting as Rocky Road ice cream.
"Hey, you just got your dress fitted, don't go too crazy" Rachel lectured.
"I'm not, besides I'll just go for a run or something tomorrow" I waved her off and took another bite.
"That reminds me, I need to go dress shopping!" Dani exclaimed.
"Me too! I don't know what to wear to this wedding" Jenny added.
"What about you Rachel?" Dani looked at her
"I'm the photographer, so it's all black for me" she sighed, she never did like missing an opportunity to dress up.
"Hey, I could find another one if it means that much" I teased.
"No you will not!" Rachel insisted, "I can't wait to capture your mom's big day!"
"Yeah I'm really happy for her. Peter is such a great guy" I mused.
"So Casey" Dani started, "do you think you will ever wanna get married?" I will admit that I was waiting for her to ask. She moved pretty quickly after Scott passed, she doesn't know how much trouble I've had moving forward myself. But still, the question made my heart stop nonetheless.
Jenny and Rachel went quiet as all three were now staring at me.
"Um, I don't— I'm not—" I stumbled with my words. I looked to a Rachel for some sort of help but she seemed just as interested in the answer as Dani was. I let out a breath, "no, I don't think I will" I admitted and looked down at the tattoo on my wrist. My reason for not getting married.
"Oh, well that's good too!" Dani tried her best to ease the awkwardness.
"So what are you guys ordering?" Jenny asked, and I gave her a look of thankfulness. She smiled and went back to her menu.
After we ate, the girls decided to go to Lucky's to meet the guys. I didn't feel like being around a bunch of people anymore, so I made an excuse about a big meeting at work tomorrow.
Once home, I hooked Lola's leash up and we walked to what I have now deemed as my "Thinking Bench." It sounded better than "the place where I sneak off to smoke and over analyze the pain in my life bench."
I felt my tension ease as I took in that first drag from my cigarette. I haven't been able to stop thinking of Dani's question about getting married. The truth is, I couldn't wait to get married. Scott and I had it all planned out.
After we graduated college, we would have a late spring wedding when the weather wasn't too warm. Sunflowers all around because he knew they were my favorite. He'd wear a light grey suit because I didn't want black on what's supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. Plus, it was a great color on him.
My mom would give me away, and Scott and I would dance to our song, "Collide" by Howie Day. We wanted a smaller wedding, just the closer people in our lives.
After we'd honeymoon in France, I've always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower in person, and he wanted to try all the food. He used to make me laugh when he would compare the Louvre to being just as exciting as a good croissant. And I would tease him about his lack of culture.
We couldn't wait to buy our first home together. Scott couldn't wait to be a dad. We pictured what our babies would be like, brown curly hair and maybe my green eyes.
He talked about how he would teach our son sports and I would help with school because I was the "smart one." We thought of names, Noah for a boy and Madison for a girl.
All of it was mapped out and discussed at length. But here I am, sitting on this bench, crying because we lost all of it. Everything I wanted was stripped away from me and I can never have it back.
Once I finished my cigarette I grabbed another one. My heart was racing as I let myself sink back into the pain. I hate how much it welcomed me. Like Stockholm syndrome, I retreated to the pain, letting it consume me.
If I didn't break up with Scott, yeah maybe he still would have died. But at least I would known that everything I lost wasn't my fault. That I gave it my all, but we don't always get what we pray for.
Except I did break up with him, when he begged me not to. I got caught up in my life without him and I gave up that dream. I don't deserve to get married when I couldn't even stand by Scott when he asked me to.
I don't deserve to have another love like that. I blew it the first time, I'm not going to go through it again. Not with Andrew, not anyone. I won't go back to that dark place though, the place where I lived my life on autopilot. That's not a way to live and I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I will have my friends. I will continue to love and support them. But I have to accept that at the end of the day, it will just be me.
I wiped my tears away, determined to put myself back together. Alone.
