It was Monday morning, a new day, a new week! After hiding from Andrew the rest of my weekend, I decided I need to find another way to put myself out there.
I picked up my guitar last night. The first time since I played for Andrew when he first bought the bar. It felt good to play again. I printed the sheet music for "There Is Love" and stayed up half the night learning it. I also decided to apply for the promotion at work. While I have accepted the fact that I deserve to be alone, its also time to start living my life again.
"Hey Casey!" Riley exclaimed as I poured myself a cup of coffee in the break room.
"Good morning Riley! I love your blouse" I said, acknowledging the lavender button up shirt she was wearing. It made her eyes even more brilliant.
"So, got any plans tonight?" she asked, while leaning against the counter next to me.
"I'm not sure, what's up?" I was skeptical, the last place I want to go to was Lucky's. They have been trying to get me to go since finding out I knew the owner.
"We're going for drinks again if you wanna join?" she wagged her eyebrows.
"I uh, I'm not sure" I stammered.
"C'mon! Devon will be there!" she added like that would change my mind. Did she think I liked him? I continued to stir my coffee, trying to think of an excuse that would make her stop asking.
"You have to Casey! We found this new place across town that has their own in house brew!" she exclaimed.
"Oh, so you guys aren't going to Lucky's?" I was now intrigued.
"No, Devon didn't really want to go back there. He says 'it's too crowded'" she rolled her eyes. This was kind of perfect. I need to start living with a fresh start, maybe this is where I begin.
"You know, I'd love to go!" I smiled at Riley.
"Yay!" She squeezed my arm, "it will be so nice not being the only girl."
Part of me thinks she actually liked being the only girl, but maybe I was judging too quickly. "I can't wait" I exclaimed as I headed back to my desk. I did my best to focus on my work, but I have to admit I'm excited for tonight. I started to shut down my computer for the night when Devon stood outside my cubicle.
"Hey! I heard your joining us tonight!" Devon smiled.
"Yup! I'm pretty excited actually"
"Oh yeah?" Devon seemed interested.
"Yeah, I need a fun night out. It's been a while" I admitted.
"Cool" he beamed.
I followed Riley to the new place she mentioned. I was thankful when we were in fact going the opposite direction from Lucky's. I laughed to myself when we pulled into the parking lot for a brewery. I remembered my conversations with Rachel about how much we can't stand the hipster trend that is craft brewery.
I have to admit though, I was genuinely surprised when I walked in. While there were countless people in skinny jeans and men with ironic facial hair, the atmosphere was happy.
"C'mon let's grab a table" Riley interlaced her arm through mine and pulled me to towards a table to the back of the room.
We took our seats while Devon and Josh went to the counter. "So, whaddya think?" Riley asked gesturing around the room.
"Surprisingly nice" I confessed, taking in the rustic charm of the place. Pallet walls and industrial piping decorated the room. People were talking and playing games, like this was a party more than a brewery.
The boys came back with four glasses of beer and set them down on the table. "Here Casey, you'll love this" Devon insisted as he pushed a glass towards me.
"Um thanks!" I forced a smile and took a sip. I tried my best to pretend to enjoy it.
"So, it's karaoke night! Casey you in?" Riley looked over at me, then pointed to a small stage on the other side of the room.
"Uh, I might need something a little stronger" I joked and forced another small sip of my beer.
"You should Casey! It's hilarious to watch" Josh nudged Riley.
"Well now you sold me" I said sarcastically.
Riley rolled her eyes, "Josh is just jealous cause he knows if he did it, everyone would laugh him off the stage".
"Tell you what, if Casey goes I'll go!" Josh dared.
"Now you have to do it!" Devon insisted.
I reminded my self that I'm here to start living. So I took as big of a gulp of my beer that I could, "alright, I'll do it!"
Josh was no longer smiling, "wait what?"
Devon and Riley threw their heads back in laughter, "sucks to be you man!" Devon nudged Josh.
"Oh no, if I go you and Josh have to sing a duet that Riley and I pick out" I added.
"I like this girl" Riley complimented as Devon stopped laughing.
"Tell you what, you go up there and sing a whole song without getting laughed at, you got a deal" Devon stated his terms.
"I don't know" I stalled, playing worried, "okay deal!" Devon put his hands behind his head and smiled like he had already won.
"C'mon Casey I'll help you pick a song" Riley offered. We left the guys at the table and flipped through the book of karaoke song options. I've never actually done this before, now that I realize it and I started to get nervous.
I looked for a song I recognized, "how about this one?" I asked pointing to a slower song I think I've heard before.
"No too slow, people want upbeat and fun!" she explained.
"Hmm" I continued to look.
"Aha!" Riley cheered, "this one will be perfect".
She was pointing to Garth Brooks, "Friends In Low Places."
"Country, really?" I asked.
"Yes, people here eat that country stuff up! Plus, even if you suck, this song still won't sound so bad" she insisted.
"Well, I mean I do know the song" I shrugged, Rachel loved country music and for once I was thankful for it. I walked up to the small stage and waited for the song to play while Riley sat back down.
"Woo! Go Casey!" I heard them cheer.
My hands were sweaty as I held the microphone and my heart began to beat faster. No going back now, it's time to start living.
The words began to appear on the monitor and I started to sing along the slow intro of the song.
I looked over at my table and saw the shocked expressions on all their faces as the song picked up and people began to dance and sing a long.
Riley was right about the song, pretty soon the whole room was singing to the it like it was the National Anthem.
By the time the song was done, I felt like I was flying. I never realized how fun this could be. I gave up so quickly after my eighth grade talent show catastrophe, that I never really got to enjoy performing.
"That was amazing!" Riley shouted as I approached our table.
"You never told us you could sing, I think that violates the deal" Josh argued.
"Yeah Casey, what the hell? That was amazing!" Devon wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I didn't miss the flash of concern on Riley's face.
I politely removed myself from his arm and grabbed my drink. The last thing I want, is my new friend to worry about me liking someone she clearly likes.
"Casey and I already picked out the perfect song for you guys" Riley winked.
I decided to follow her lead, "oh yes this is gonna be perfect" both of us stifling giggles. They both groaned and chugged the rest of their drinks.
"Let's get this over with!" Devon complained. Riley set them up and returned back to the table.
"What song did you pick?"
"Oh, you'll love this" she gestured to the stage.
Both of their faces fell when the music for "Endless Love" began. Riley and I began to laugh uncontrollably.
"This is perfect!" I exclaimed while pulling out my phone and started to record.
I don't think I have laughed this hard in so long, my stomach was hurting. Devon and Josh stumbled their way through the song as more laughs erupted through the room. Once they had finished they both sulked back to their seats.
"Well done" Riley clapped.
"I have to say, that performance made me cry" I wiped away a fake tear.
"Oh there will be payback, just you wait" Devon threatened.
"I'd love to see you try" I laughed.
We spent the rest of our time laughing at the boys' expense. By the time we were ready to leave, I was kind of sad; but I didn't want to give Devon the wrong impression so I quickly made my way to my car before he could offer to walk me.
The whole drive home I was buzzing. I actually switched to Rachel's country station and sang to some of the songs.
I got to my apartment and opened the door expecting Rachel to tease me about my new partying ways, but I froze when Andrew was the one sitting on the couch.
I slammed the door closed before I realized I just shut myself out this time.
"Dammit" I mumbled to myself and opened the door again, this time Andrew was standing there a few feet away.
"We need to talk" his tone was stern. I looked behind me, maybe I could just run for it.
"You couldn't outrun me Case" he answered my thought.
"I wasn't, I—"
"Yeah you were." How does he keep doing that? I looked down at the ground to avoid his eyes.
"Casey I just want to know what I did to make you hate me" he pleaded. I kept my eyes on the floor. I knew if I looked up I won't be able to hold my ground.
"Please, just tell me and I'll leave you alone" he offered.
I thought about his offer, and it should be easy for me to just take it. But of course, the idea of admitting the truth was too much. "You should go" I quietly requested.
Andrew moved in closer, his cologne enveloped me. "No, not until you talk to me."
I tried not to breathe, and shook my head.
"Casey" his voice broke and he reached out for my hand. The warmth of his touch shot up my arm and I could feel my walls crumbling. I needed to end this, once and for all. To put him out of his misery. He needed to let me go the same way I needed to let him go.
"Andrew don't make me do this" I choked as tears forced their way out.
"Do what?" he asked.
"Please go" I begged. "I need you to go."
"Fine" he said and reached under my chin to lift my face up, "then look me in the eyes and tell me."
I stared up into his dark brown eyes, and my heart ached. The warmth of his hands on my face and the closeness of his body next to mine was overwhelming. His usual kind face looked tormented as he waited for me to respond.
"Tell me Casey" his face inched closer to mine, almost closing the distance. He wiped away my tears with his thumbs as he held my face in his hands.
My heart continued to race as I tried to find my words. I can do this, I needed to do this so Andrew could move forward.
"I—I don't" I stuttered and he moved closer, his lips were only inches away from mine. I sucked in another deep breath. I could feel the warmth of his own breath and closed my eyes again.
"No, open your eyes Casey" he whispered.
I shook my head. I can't do this. I can't. "Please?" I choked out, my eyes still squeezed shut.
Andrew let go of me and backed away. My body instantly yearned for the warmth of his touch. I slowly opened my eyes to see he was no longer in front of me. I turned around and saw him standing in the door frame.
"I'm not gonna give up Casey" he said, his back was towards me.
"You should" I quietly argued. He didn't respond right away and for once I thought maybe he would actually listen, but then he didn't.
"I know" he breathed out and then closed the door. I fell to the floor, Lola walked over and curled up next to me.
Why was he doing this to me? Why does he have to care so much? I am getting so tired of pushing him away, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
I grabbed my purse and walked out. I sat on my usual bench, far away from my building and pulled out a cigarette.
Breathing out the smoke was like breathing out my stress. Except tonight, I felt lightheaded. Going from having an amazing night for the first time in a long time, to facing my guilt once again was like being on a roller coaster.
I needed to find my way off.
